Get Your One-Way Ticket to Mars

DO YOU WANT TO LIVE IN OUTER SPACE? SPECIFICALLY: DO YOU WANT TO LIVE ON MARS? Seriously, ask yourself that question again, and loudly: DO YOU WANT TO LIVE ON MARS?

You-always-wanted-to-be-an-astronaut-but-sucked-at-long-division-YES, FOR FUCKSAKES, YES?!

Okay then.

Guess what? You can live on Mars.

Potentially.

In what may be a cross between John Carpenter’s The Thing, and Ridley Scott’s Alien, and maybe that crusty turd that was 1492, we are boldly going. Where no man has camped before. For reals. To settle Mars. People of Earth, save the date: 2023 is the year you or your buddy might be harvesting moisture on the toxic red surface of Mars.

Space exploration? Or death row?

The deal is in 2022, after years of training, four lucky people will take off to be Mars’ first inhabitants. Every two years, for a while, anyway, who knows how long, more astro-folks will land on the planet and join the community, until a Martian colony of expat humans thrives in the far reaches of our solar system.

Sounds good to you? You can apply to be one of Mars’ settlers HERE.

The catch? You can’t go home. Ever. You’ll never taste your momma’s lasagna again, because a trip to Mars is a one-way ticket to the rest of your outer space life.

Mars One is a project privately led and funded by the well-lined pockets of some of the world’s biggest industries. How are they going to keep the money coming to keep their pet humans alive in space? They’re aiming to do a Big Brother type deal to keep us Earthlings tuned in and watching. This could be awesome. This could be a disaster.

HOW THE HUMANS GET TO MARS

The flight, depending on the positions of Earth and Mars, should take between seven to eight months. The astronauts will spend those seven months together in super cramped quarters—much smaller than the home base at the Mars settlement—and entirely devoid of washing machines and frappuccinos, or even barristas. Plus: The space patrol peeps won’t shower with water, but rub moist towelettes over their dirty bits instead. Things is gonna get stanky.

What will they eat? Freeze dried and canned food. And astronaut ice-cream, our favorite.

WHAT TO EXPECT ON MARS

This is what Martian digs will look like: Little pods that interconnect, where peeps can grow stuff, hang out, research gravity (does it still work?), model their space suits, mend each other’s broken bones, and write space sonnets all the dilly long day. Oh, and possibly have their stomachs invaded by aliens with giant maws? That could happen.

Whatever goes down, we’ll all be watching it on TV. Or whatever they call TV in 2023. We’ll be plugged in to that so hard.

MARS 2023 – INHABITANTS WANTED

MARS ONE

What they should be is showing these videos with the creepy disaster soundtrack of Prometheus, which would probably be more realistic. We’re betting the mission to Mars will be a shitstorm. But a totally, totally awesome shitstorm, the likes of which Survivor never anticipated.

PROMETHEUS THE TRAILER IS BETTER THAN THE MOVIE RECAP

Now will someone please invent the hoverboard already? This is supposed to be the future.

 

Related on The Smoking Jacket:
Cosmic Love: 10 Smoking Ladies from Outer Space 
Astronauts Doing Stuff in Space
Headshots: 5 Things to Do on Mars

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