Ask TSJ: Will an Expensive Car Help Me Pick Up Women?

expensive car

Life is hard. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help.

Each week, media sensation Tracy Pendergast and TSJ’s managing editor, Adam Tod Brown, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

This week’s question comes from Rick, a reader in Illinois…

“My friends are always abusing me for my beater car. They say I’m never going to find a chick until I have a nice car. Are girls really attracted to guys with nice cars?”

tracyTracy Pendergast: I guess it depends on what type of woman you want. Cars are definitely a status symbol and reflection of wealth to some women. If those things are important to her, she’ll probably dig a man with a nice car. I mean, we all like nice things, but a nice car can only go so far when it comes to a relationship.

What women need to realize is almost anyone can have a nice car, but it takes a really smart man to live within his means and spend money on things that actually matter. I think the majority of women out there don’t really care about an expensive car, but may be a little turned off by an incredibly trashed car. If you have a 1980 Geo Metro so be it, but don’t add insult to injury — at least keep that shit clean. Your car is also an indication of how tidy you are as a person, so don’t pick her up with a car packed with cat hair and empty bottles. That is an immediate deal breaker.

Let us not forget the crazy car fanatics. The guys that have the winged spoiler, the oversized rims and the horrible “Powered by Deez Nuts” decals. That is not a turn on, it’s just obnoxious. I have yet to find a woman turned on by a huge pair of chrome nuts dangling from underneath a truck. The greatest is the under car neon lights. What is that? It’s like you’re driving one of those huge light wands used to detect semen. If you do have a nice car, don’t over accessorize, it’s simply not neccessary.

Rick, I truly believe if you continue to be the compassionate and hard working man I assume you are (because you read Ask TSJ), you will eventually find the woman and car of your dreams.

adamAdam Tod Brown: I’m sure a nice car doesn’t hurt, but it’s highly unlikely that your wheels are the only thing separating you from a plethora of pooning. Your friends may be correct that a nice car might help with picking up women, but if they’re suggesting that it’s mandatory, well, they’re wrong.

If the only guys who ever got laid were the ones who drove expensive cars, a good majority of the world would die virgins. If you need fancy cars and a ton of expendable cash to get women, you’re doing something wrong. Instead of spending your life savings on a Hummer (literal and figurative), why not just do a little research and learn how to talk to women? Any rich douchebag can find a woman willing to sleep with him for his cash. It’s being able to pull women when you’re sleeping on a mattress in a studio apartment and driving a beater that separates the men from the boys.

That’s not to say that you shouldn’t take some steps to improve your financial situation. That’s a given. But you should do it for yourself and not because you want to bed some gold digging skank.

If your current car is getting in the way of your love life, figure out a way to use it to your advantage instead. Make up a sentimental story about it. Tell women that it was your best friend’s car. Sadly, that best friend died serving his country or rescuing an adorable kitten from the flood waters of Japan or something. Now, you drive the car because it reminds you of him. Maybe tear up a little bit every time you tell a woman the story of your best friend and that old beater of a car that you can’t seem to let go of because you miss him so much.

Women love that kind of shit. Before you know it, you’ll be balls deep in sympathy sex. Problem solved.