There are some activities that all guys love: ordering pizza, receiving oral, shopping for TVs.
There are some activities that all guys hate: shopping for bed shams, long talks, building anything from IKEA.
And then…there is GOLF.
Some call it a “sport,” others call it a “hobby” and the great Mark Twain called it “a good walk spoiled.” Since the first ball dropped into the first tin-cup, golf has had its haters and its enthusiasts; I have been both. But, even if you never swing an iron, sink a putt, or angrily toss your driver into a lake, you really should LOVE golf: Here’s why.
Usually when you drive recklessly on the grass, dodging trees, you end up with a pesky DUI. If you are in a golf cart, however, it’s like you’re the mayor of Tijuana; no roads, no rules and no policia. All the fun of a go-cart, but with four drink holders and a built-in-cooler for backups, a golf cart is pretty much a couch with wheels on it. They are fun to race, more fun to spin out and even more fun to crash. I heard you can even use them to hold your golf clubs.
How do you kill the time between gambling binges in Vegas and five team parlays on football Sundays? A golf course is like one giant outdoor casino; but instead of blackjack and craps, you’ve got Bingo Bango Bongo, Skins, High-Low, Closest to the Pin, Loan Wolf, et cetera. There are so many ways to win (and lose) money during 18 holes, that figuring out who owes who money requires an algorithm worthy of the chalkboard in Good Will Hunting. Plus, the only thing more fun than taking your friends money is taking money from the Asian stranger that got thrown into your group after one of your buddies overslept. Arigato!
From flooding gophers to fist-fighting Bob Barker, golf movies have it all: comedy, drama, rivalry and “a free bowl of soup” (with purchase of an ugly hat). Many non “golf movies” contain great golf scenes, too. Sideways, Swingers and There’s Something About Mary all brought out the sticks with style. Even the biggest golf cynic can’t deny the enjoyment of seeing a big golf-related temper tantrum on the big screen.
If heaven exists, I would imagine it has a hot college girl driving around a fully stocked bar with hot dogs, chips and frozen Snickers bars. Lucky for us, we don’t have to die (or behave) to experience this treatment. Unlike other sports where you usually wait until afterward to do your drinking, golf facilitates turning your liver into the next John Daly. Bloody Marys on 1, beers on 3, shots on 5, snacks at the turn and repeat as necessary. It doesn’t hurt that your golf stewardess, aka cart-girl, is almost always willing to have a drink with you, and even offer up a place to “put the salt.”
Where else other than a golf course or an Al-Qaeda training camp can you place an explosive device in your buddy’s pocket and all get a good laugh about it? From remote control skunks to balls that dissolve into water on impact, golf pranks are light years ahead of every other sport related prank. You ever see a guy’s basketball explode when it hits the backboard? Exactly. It is almost worth waking up early, driving to the middle of nowhere and putting on stupid pants just to see how your friend reacts when a strategically planted rattle snake “attacks” his foot. Even better, film it and toss it on YouTube.
The “Quiet” Time
Golf is like a mini vacation from our wives, girlfriends and debt collectors. A round can take anywhere from 3 hours to 3 days, because they have no idea. All other responsibilities melt away, as “questionable” cell coverage provides the perfect back drop for your man-cation. Throw in some post golf drinks, a hearty meal and a stop at the bank to deposit your winnings and you could milk your “one round of golf” into a full day getaway. Beats the hell out of shopping for bed shams.
You may never choose to watch The Masters, buy a gap wedge or care to know that Arnold Palmer is more than just a deliciously refreshing beverage. But, if you like fucking with your friends, jumping tiny cars over piles of sand and getting loaded before noon, then give it up for Golf. (Insert golf clap here).