Which Vegas Guy Are You?

I just got back from a magical land known as Las Vegas. It was my 15th time there since last January, and probably my 50th trip there since being legal. Needless to say, VEGAS DOESN’T SUCK!

In my early 20’s Vegas was a great place to go gamble, drink and fuck; so any reason was a good reason to go. I spent many a 21st birthday, including my own, in LV. In my mid-20s Vegas was still a great place to gamble, drink and fuck. But, instead of birthday celebrations, Vegas was a great place to meet up when someone had “work” or a convention to attend. “You are telling me that I can get the convention rate of $99 a night if I just say I’m with The Dental Union of Canada?”

Now, in my late 20s (30 to be exact), Vegas has become ground zero for bachelor parties, weddings and divorce celebrations.  Being as I’ve experienced Sin City in all of these phases, and have observed others doing the same, I have noticed that every group that hits Sin City includes at least one of each the guys listed below. It doesn’t matter if you’re 20 with a fake I.D. or 65 and dating a girl with a fake I.D., if you are in Vegas with a group of friends, then I’ll bet (pun intended) your group includes every single person listed below. Which one are you?

Captain Excitement

Captain Excitement: Last one back, first one up, Captain Excitement is always down for anything. When you stumble into your room at 6:59 a.m., you have exactly one minute to sleep before Captain Excitement is bugging everyone to “hit the pool before all the good chairs are gone.” This guy likes to fit two weeks worth of stuff into one weekend. Although his positive “go get ‘em” attitude can be annoying, it is good to have one of these guys in your crew for when you need that extra motivation to turn your 48-hour bender into a 72-hour bender.

Most Common Phrase: “Come on guys, sack up, we’re in Vegas!”

Mr. Mush

This guy has never won a bet in his entire life. Tables, slots, sports book, poker room, it makes no difference because Mr. Mush won’t win. If he puts $200 on The Lakers, then you should put $200,000 on whoever they are playing (even if it’s a WNBA team). Although it’s easy to feel bad for Mr. Mush, don’t, because his cooler effect unlucky streak can affect your bankroll, too. A hot streak at the craps table is no match for the ice cold hands of Mr. Mush.

Most Common Phrase: “Dude, I was this close to winning a lot of money. Good thing I have a lock on tonight’s game.”

Guy Who Knows A Guy

This man has Vegas on lock down, or so he thinks. No matter what comes up (clubs, drugs, limos, shooting AK-47’s,) The Guy Who Knows A Guy knows at least one person to call who can make your wildest dreams a reality. Want to get a hooker who will let you eat sushi off of her naked body? Me neither, but if you did this guy can produce multiple numbers for hookers, sushi chefs and even an underground doctor in case you choke on a tuna roll… or some sushi. The Guy Who Knows A Guy is a strong asset to any crew, but if his cell phone dies he becomes instantly useless.

Most Common Phrase: “Let me call this guy I know out here. Consider it done.”

The Tourist

Grand Canyon anyone? The Tourist isn’t afraid to let everyone know that he is just visiting and is always coming up with awful ideas like “Let’s go to the top of the Stratosphere” or “I read that Circus Circus has the best buffet.” This is the same guy who loads up on his souvenir playing cards, neon plastic yard-long cup and photo for the roller coaster ride he went on by himself.

We all know that the fountains at Bellagio are “neat,” and the volcano outside of The Mirage is “a great photo op,” but that doesn’t mean they are worth wasting any valuable Vegas time on. It is no coincidence that “tourist” and “terrorist” are so close, because The Tourist will hijack a perfectly good Vegas outing in no time. The gift shop is for emergency condoms, not for a “Greetings from the Strip” postcard.

Most Common Phrase: “If we leave now, we can check out City Center before the helicopter tour.”

The Mooch

He eats with you, drinks with you, and stays in your hotel room, but getting him to chip in for any of it is harder than understanding Pai Gow. The Mooch enjoys tables at clubs, mini-bar snacks and drinks by the pool, but when the bill arrives The Mooch is nowhere to be found. After a huge feast at N9ne Steakhouse, The Mooch will point out that his share is only $65.34 because he only had one shrimp and didn’t finish his steak. Doing Vegas on a budget is one thing, but cheaping out on your boys is about as cool as ass herpes.

Most Common Phrase: “I left my wallet in the room. I’ll get you back.”

Me So Horny

Don’t share a bed, a room or even a flight with Me-So-Horny. This guy comes to Vegas for one reason: SEX. If the plan doesn’t involve or have a chance of leading to sex then this guy is not interested. Me-So-Horny spends his Vegas time either in strip clubs, on his way to strip clubs, or having sex with anyone he meets, ranging from bridesmaids to hotel maids.

Me So Horny allows himself to get “backed up” so that he can unload on Vegas like a water show on the strip. His standards may be slightly lowered, but does that really matter when 10 years from now you’re all still talking about the foursome he had with the married woman from Detroit?

Most Common Phrase: “I may have broken my penis. Let’s go to the strip club on the way to the hospital.”

Eyes Bigger Than Liver

This guy partied like it was 1999 on the first night, and then spends the rest of the trip unable to get out of his bed or the clothes that he wore on the first night. A whole 24 glorious hours of drinking, drugs, dancing, gambling and other forgettable and possibly illegal activities is followed by 72 hours of sleep, shaking, chills, room service, water and remorse.

Vegas is all about pacing your self, like the first time you have sex with a new hot girl. Unfortunately for Eyes Bigger Than Liver Guy, he busted his nut during Vegas foreplay. The only good thing about being this guy is that you will return home feeling rested, and food and hookers can be delivered to you 24/7. If you are this guy, remember that Vegas is not like riding a bike–you can forget how to do it right. Too much too soon is only good if you can repeat daily without killing yourself of leave looking like Jon Daly.

Most Common Phrase: “I still don’t feel right, you think they have Advil in the mini bar?”