S#%t My Brain Says as a Man

brain mapAs a man, there are certain things that are unfortunately unavoidable in our lifetime: saggy balls, prostate exams, Jersey Shore, Season 17.

There are also certain questions that we will be asked by our girlfriends, wives, wive’s girlfriends who we are banging on the side, etc. It doesn’t matter if you are Hugh Hefner, Hugh Grant or Huey Lewis (sans the News); if you are a guy, you WILL be asked the following questions by your lady at some point in the near future (assuming you haven’t been already).

The real question, however, is what will you say in response (lie) versus what you say internally (truth)?

QUESTION 1: Were you just checking that girl out?

obama checking out womanYou say: “What girl? I was looking at that car drive by. Do you know how rare it is to see a black Honda, crazy.”

Your brain says: Not only was I checking her out, but I was wondering how I could pretend you were my sister so I could hit on her. In less then a second I have pictured her naked, thought about her with another woman, and contemplated breaking up with you. And to think that you say I can never focus on important things.

QUESTION 2: Do you think she is hotter than me?
megan fox hot picYou say: “NO!”

Your brain says: “YES!!!”
If a girl asks this question, she already knows the answer is yes.

QUESTION 3: You think threesomes are gross, right?
three wayYou say: “Totally. Why would anyone want to do that? Just thinking about it is making it
hard for me to finish my pizza.”

Your brain says: If by “gross” you mean “COOLEST FUCKING THING EVER.” Lots of
things are gross; fupas, cankles, the above mentioned saggy balls; but the thought of two
woman treating your junk like a tootsie pop/pogo stick, is not one of them. We like getting things in bulk: toilet paper, beer and blow jobs.

QUESTION 4: Do I look fat?
kirstie alleyYou say: “You look perfect.”

Your brain says: That depends on what you mean by “fat.” I don’t think anyone is going to think Chris Farley came back to life, but you didn’t wear Apple Bottom Jeans when we first started dating. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had sex with way fatter, but you don’t look like the girl by the black Honda earlier.

QUESTION 5: Would you ever cheat on me?
cheaterYou say: “No. Those days are behind me.”

Your Brain Says: Would you ever find out? I don’t leave the house each day planing to rob a bank, but if I walk by a turned-over armored truck with money blowing up in my face, I may grab a few Benjamins.

QUESTION 6: Do your friends like me?
yoko onoYou say: Lots. They can’t get enough of you. They especially love it when you watch football with us.

Your brain says: Well, they probably like you more than Montezuma’s Revenge, but I’m pretty sure they were happier when my phone didn’t ring 37 times during  golf.
If you have friends that will sleep with them, they’ll like you a whole lot more.

QUESTION 7: I got my hair done, and you didn’t say anything. Didn’t you notice?
crazy hair styleYou say: I said it looks great. Are you not listening to me?

Your brain says: You could come in here with your head shaved, and there is a 78 percent chance that I wouldn’t notice. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I care about everything else in the world more than your hair.

QUESTION 8: Do you masturbate when I’m not around?
man caught masturbatingYou say: There is no pleasure like the pleasure that I experience when we are together.

Your brain says: Does “not around” mean out of the house or just out of my line of sight? I wish I was jerking off right now instead of talking to you.

QUESTION 9: Is that article I read on The Smoking Jacket about what guys really think true?
swearYou say: No, that’s just some miserable freelance writer trying to stir things up from some place he probably has to steal free Internet from.

Your brain says: No, that’s just some miserable freelance writer trying to stir things up from some place he probably has to steal free Internet from. And yes, every word of it.

Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter.