With summer officially over (thanks a lot, Labor Day, you asshole), it is that time of year to put away the things that make summer such a great season: hammocks, tiki torches, Slip n’ Slides, oil-covered women, kegerators and…JORTS???
Jorts, aka jean shorts, aka denim diapers, have been around since the first gold miner in San Francisco decided to “gay it up” in the late 1840’s. Since that time, there has never been a single article of clothing that could make women look so hot, while simultaneously making guys look so repulsively awkward.
Even more so than the dreaded fanny pack, jorts have been mocked, ridiculed, lambasted and worn (by NASCAR fans) for far too long. Even though a pair of man blue-jean shorts will result in a pair of man blue balls, it doesn’t always turn out so horribly. Here are some GREAT MOMENTS IN JORTS HISTORY!
Say what you will about “The Wease,” but this guy has had more hot women pull down his jorts over the years than everyone else on this list combined. This Playboy Mansion regular has overcome his jean short addiction of the ’80s and ’90s, and replaced his denim nut-huggers with Playmate nut-huggers.
That’s right, Mr. Jort 1989 probably had wild sex with Miss June 1989. Pauly’s famous cut-offs were as much a part of Son in Law and Encino Man as the horrible acting. But who cares, because at the end of the day Pauly was getting his personal Bio Dome well taken care of.
Ted Logan (of Bill and Ted)
Not all jorts require a pair of scissors, as is the case with a young Keanu Reeves, who perfected the roll jorts, a perfect look for traveling through time in a phone booth with George Carlin. Sure, he got the girl, got an “A” and reminded us that “San Dimas High School Football rules.” But The Duke of Ted may have many other things to credit his jorts for, like a successful film career, for example. That’s more than the other guy (Alex Winter) can say. That’s what happens when you leave your jeans long while in the presence of an elegantly jorted Keanu Reeves.
You don’t have to go back to the ’80s or even the ’90s to find some quality denim doctoring. Just a few short seasons ago, man jean shorts were positioned to make a primetime comeback. Unfortunately, the only thing shorter than Arrested Development‘s run on TV may have been the jorts that Tobias Fünke (David Cross) wore on the show. Many have argued that Tobias has done for jorts what Paris Hilton did for underwear. In other words, he reminded us that not wearing them was probably better for everyone involved.
The Sand Man puts two things in all of his movies: Rob Schneider and jorts (and if you’re really lucky, you get Rob Schneider in a pair of jorts). From Sandler classics like Billy Madison to more recent less-than-classics like You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, Sandler has proved that whether you are a rich drunk idiot or an Israeli killing machine-turned stylist, jorts are the common ground. Denim, the ultimate equalizer.
Playing any sport in denim is like going in the ocean in denim—only Mexicans can do it convincingly. That was until Andrea Agassi came on the scene. His jorts were so controversial that he was almost banned from Wimbledon. But, his denim statement didn’t stand in his way from getting some overhead lob action from Brooke Shields, or countless other tennis groupies. As soon as he went jort-free, he also went hair-free and Brooke-free. Coincidence? I think not.
Not all purveyors of jorts are in front of the camera, either. Director Kevin Smith may be too fat to fly Southwest, but that doesn’t mean that he’s content waddling around in sweats all day. This style of baggy jean short, also known as “Shants” is more popular with the heavier set males, for obvious reasons. Plus, lugging around 20 pounds of denim everywhere you go is as decent a workout as these guys get.
After hours of research, and every attempt I could think of to make an argument for Jorts, I have decided to go back to my original position. Jean Shorts belong on this….
…and not this