To Jort or Not to Jort?
With summer officially over (thanks a lot, Labor Day, you asshole), it is that time of year to put away the things that make summer such a great season: hammocks, tiki torches, Slip n’ Slides, oil-covered women, kegerators and…JORTS???
Jorts, aka jean shorts, aka denim diapers, have been around since the first gold miner in San Francisco decided to “gay it up” in the late 1840’s. Since that time, there has never been a single article of clothing that could make women look so hot, while simultaneously making guys look so repulsively awkward.
Even more so than the dreaded fanny pack, jorts have been mocked, ridiculed, lambasted and worn (by NASCAR fans) for far too long. Even though a pair of man blue-jean shorts will result in a pair of man blue balls, it doesn’t always turn out so horribly. Here are some GREAT MOMENTS IN JORTS HISTORY!
Pauly Shore
Say what you will about “The Wease,” but this guy has had more hot women pull down his jorts over the years than everyone else on this list combined. This Playboy Mansion regular has overcome his jean short addiction of the ’80s and ’90s, and replaced his denim nut-huggers with Playmate nut-huggers.
That’s right, Mr. Jort 1989 probably had wild sex with Miss June 1989. Pauly’s famous cut-offs were as much a part of Son in Law and Encino Man as the horrible acting. But who cares, because at the end of the day Pauly was getting his personal Bio Dome well taken care of.
Ted Logan (of Bill and Ted)
Not all jorts require a pair of scissors, as is the case with a young Keanu Reeves, who perfected the roll jorts, a perfect look for traveling through time in a phone booth with George Carlin. Sure, he got the girl, got an “A” and reminded us that “San Dimas High School Football rules.” But The Duke of Ted may have many other things to credit his jorts for, like a successful film career, for example. That’s more than the other guy (Alex Winter) can say. That’s what happens when you leave your jeans long while in the presence of an elegantly jorted Keanu Reeves.
Tobias Fünke
You don’t have to go back to the ’80s or even the ’90s to find some quality denim doctoring. Just a few short seasons ago, man jean shorts were positioned to make a primetime comeback. Unfortunately, the only thing shorter than Arrested Development‘s run on TV may have been the jorts that Tobias Fünke (David Cross) wore on the show. Many have argued that Tobias has done for jorts what Paris Hilton did for underwear. In other words, he reminded us that not wearing them was probably better for everyone involved.
Adam Sandler
The Sand Man puts two things in all of his movies: Rob Schneider and jorts (and if you’re really lucky, you get Rob Schneider in a pair of jorts). From Sandler classics like Billy Madison to more recent less-than-classics like You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, Sandler has proved that whether you are a rich drunk idiot or an Israeli killing machine-turned stylist, jorts are the common ground. Denim, the ultimate equalizer.
Andre Agassi
Playing any sport in denim is like going in the ocean in denim—only Mexicans can do it convincingly. That was until Andrea Agassi came on the scene. His jorts were so controversial that he was almost banned from Wimbledon. But, his denim statement didn’t stand in his way from getting some overhead lob action from Brooke Shields, or countless other tennis groupies. As soon as he went jort-free, he also went hair-free and Brooke-free. Coincidence? I think not.
Kevin Smith
Not all purveyors of jorts are in front of the camera, either. Director Kevin Smith may be too fat to fly Southwest, but that doesn’t mean that he’s content waddling around in sweats all day. This style of baggy jean short, also known as “Shants” is more popular with the heavier set males, for obvious reasons. Plus, lugging around 20 pounds of denim everywhere you go is as decent a workout as these guys get.
Conclusion
After hours of research, and every attempt I could think of to make an argument for Jorts, I have decided to go back to my original position. Jean Shorts belong on this….
…and not this
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[...] To Jort or Not to Jort? [...]
12:45 pm on September 8th, 2010
You are speaking the truth. I see about 2 pairs of jorts a week on guys. it is so sad. and funny.
8:13 pm on September 8th, 2010
GREAT. SO GREAT.
10:53 pm on September 8th, 2010
A Brief History of Jean Shorts…
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3:34 pm on September 9th, 2010
[...] To Jort or Not to Jort? [...]
12:48 pm on September 10th, 2010
Jorts are a laughing stock of denim and shorts. But if you can jort and still pull hot undergrad tail then you are a bro in my book.
4:13 pm on September 13th, 2010
hmmm. possibly the most idiotic article I have ever read.
1:59 pm on September 29th, 2010
Do you REALLY think Pauly Shore was interested in Ms. June 1989?
Maybe Mr. May, 1988.
5:15 pm on September 29th, 2010
Sorry manscapers. As someone who needs pockets and works for a living in mid-America where it gets damn hot, I’ll take jorts every day. Now go grow a pair.
11:30 pm on September 29th, 2010
Jorts and shants. Not very creative.
12:41 pm on October 1st, 2010
WTF?? Hacking on a guy wearing jean shorts because it’s hot?? Hack on yourself for wearing slacks, and loafers.
12:26 pm on October 2nd, 2010
Men have been wearing cut off jeans since jeans were invented. Now all the sudden they’re not cool? Get bent! Jorts are functional. They help cool your luggage. What’s the point in today’s shorts that end way below the knee? To cool your freakin’ ankles? Call them what they are… pedal pushers or capri pants and only girly men like Michael Moore or Michele Obama wear um’.
8:00 pm on October 3rd, 2010
is Playboy really paying you to write bullshit like this? what’s wrong with wearing jorts. i agree there are gayish looking jort (the rough cut ones with the frayed bottom), but women never give me shit for wearing. if you’re not comfortable enough with yourself to subject yourself to long jeans in the heat, that’s your problem.
5:50 am on October 4th, 2010
“San Dimas High School Football Rules!” was the last line of the history presentation prior to Bill and Ted’s presentation. It was not one of Ted’s lines.
1:43 pm on October 4th, 2010
Laugh while you can, cargo-short wearing dweebs! Your day will come! Bunch of freakin’ bro’s….
4:34 pm on October 7th, 2010
Listen up people, “Jorts” and “cut-offs” are two separate beasts entirely. They should not be confused with one another. Tobais Funke does not wear jorts, he wears cut-offs. Jorts are denim shorts designed and marketed to be shorts from inception; NOT pairs of jeans modified to be shorts. The sooner society recognizes them as two separate entities, the better.
5:34 pm on October 8th, 2010
Conclusion: These are two of the biggest bros i have ever seen. Forget the jorts, buddies got a case of natty ice in hand. You can almost smell the big black dildo he covered in axe.
2:26 pm on October 9th, 2010
what a stupid article, so what if someone is at the beach with some
worn shorts that happens to be made from jean material. Screw all you trendy idiots that come up with this, next you will be saying that
the same about camo shorts, this comes from the people that tell you top 20 things what women like, and half of it turns out to be bs.
3:05 pm on October 9th, 2010
Why are you looking at them so much? Fag.
7:33 am on October 10th, 2010
Yeah… I care what you think. In your next breath you’ll be saying turtlenecks and dickie’s are back in style. Go put on your black sox and a pair of sandals. Stupid article.
7:19 pm on October 10th, 2010
Love the UGA fans wearing the jean shorts and gator shirts…idiots
4:47 am on October 11th, 2010
Didn’t really even read the title – assumed the WTF was that this guy was posing with all these plastic beauties and had no visible erection whatsoever.
1:47 pm on October 12th, 2010
The reason kevin smith is not in front of the camera is that there is no camera lens wide enough to capture his entire fat a$$
8:54 am on October 13th, 2010
look at how fine those chics were in the picture with him. the jorts must be doing something right
9:20 am on October 13th, 2010
what is WTF
3:50 pm on November 11th, 2010
Nice! All I can ever think of when someone says Jorts is this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziFRoGTRqws. Friend made it in college and now it haunts him (and probably the rest of us too…).
8:25 am on December 27th, 2010
To those Jort-lovers who have posted rants claiming we anti-Jorts are advocating wearing long pants, jeans and capris in the summer heat: you are all missing the point and you are now going to the opposite extreme! None of us is advocating NOT wearing shorts. There are many types of shorts out there that are above the knee or right at the knee that are still comfy and promote freedom of movement, that are cotton and breathable, that are not JEAN SHORTS. Jean shorts are tacky and also show that you are cheap, as anyone wearing them shows the world that you refuse to throw out old jeans by cutting off the pant legs, instead of shelling out 20 bucks to get a pair of masculine and rugged shorts/cargo shorts. To those who say their women or wives never complain about their jorts? Those women are just as trashy and unfashionable as they are, hence why they don’t find anything wrong with them. Go to peopleofwalmart.com and see how mostly everyone on there who is made fun of, especially men, are wearing jorts. They are just plain tacky. But if you guys want to look like “white trash”, go ahead. If you don’t like to follow trends or keep updated to fashion, then go ahead and keep your JORTS. If you did a google search for “jean shorts” and came upon this article, it is because somehow you were wondering whether Jorts are fashionable, ok? So there IS a part of you that feels like updating your wardrobe. FYI, any goodlooking woman who dresses well who is under 40 will NOT walk around with a man wearing JORTS. The only women you will find are fat, unattractive trash to compliment your lack of taste. Cheap men attract ugly women.
5:26 am on April 13th, 2011
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2:26 am on April 30th, 2011
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7:49 am on September 11th, 2011
Jorts. Hahaha. Any of the options aren’t appealing.
11:00 am on October 15th, 2011
I’ll bet 100 bucks I get more pussy than the author of this article and I wear cutoff jeans from time to time. Girls like styles that are different and fun whether they actually like the style or not, its the same reason why a fishing hat isn’t cool but perfect for attracting girls (fishing hat + cutoffs at the same time is over the top lol). It’s that way for just about any style that people speak out against. They speak out against it cuz they don’t have the posture, balls, and confidence to wear it, its all about how you wear it not what you wear. If you can wear something different girls notice, if you wear it with confidence without being a dick, they like it even more. Hating won’t get you far with the opposite sex and that’s why you’re reading this type of article on this type of website I assume, so stay positive and don’t let people’s opinions deter you. The same type of guys writing these articles will be wearing the styles when they come back in fashion fyi
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