Stupid Advice: The Art of Manscaping
Welcome to “Stupid Advice,” a column in which we point out stupid advice for men and explain why it’s stupid. After all, there’s enough stupidity out there already.
This week’s “Stupid Advice” award goes to Greg Melville for his Men’s Life Today article, “Manscaping: The Art of the Body Shave.”
If there’s one thing we women know about men, it’s this: You guys are hairy. Unfortunately, women, who never make sense anyway, are not of one hive mind a la the Borg when it comes to male body hair.
Some women like their teddy bears furry. The more hair the merrier. After all, why do you think Alec Baldwin’s so famous? His acting talents? No, it’s because, as one writer put it, you could lose a cell phone in all that chest hair.
Other women, on the other hand, want their men as hair-free as one of those terrifying hairless cats. For these ladies, ideally you’re naturally less of a hairball than a Yeti, and if you’re not, you better shave, wax and tweeze your chest, brows and back.
So, what’s a guy to do when it comes to manscaping? According to Melville, who, rather than having written a classic book about a famous whale, has written extensively on the fine art of male grooming, “being clean and tidy is definitely in.”
Stupid Advice begs to differ. If we were looking for “clean and tidy,” we’d hire a maid. Here’s our do’s and don’ts on manscaping from the female perspective.
1. Anywhere
“Always manscape after or during a shower so the skin and hair is completely softened,” reports Melville.
Unless you’re shaving your face, go to a professional. Do not shave your chest in the shower. Do not ask your bro to shave your back. Do not tweeze your brows yourself, under any circumstances.
Other than your jawline, hair removal should be done by a pro, and better yet with something other than a razor blade. Women are picky when it comes to results of hair removals—we’re practiced amateurs, after all—and there’s nothing that makes us want to say, “I am not going to sleep with you again,” like back razor burn.
2. Armpits
We understand some guys may have so much back hair they can shave their favorite player’s jersey number into it, but you don’t need to be shaving your armpits. Guys have hairy armpits. This is what women expect. Two exceptions: you’re in drag for Halloween or you’re in a body building competition.
The other day, Stupid Advice saw an MMA fighter raise his arms in victory in the ring after pounding in the other guy’s head, and, lo and behold, Mr. Tough Guy’s pits were shaved. Stupid Advice was not impressed. Smooth armpits are not macho. Women like macho armpits.
3. Chest
If you’re shaving your chest, Melville says: “Glide the razor mostly downhill except around the nipples.” Otherwise, you might remove a nipple accidentally. And after that, all the other guys in the locker room will call you The Guy with One Nipple, but not to your face. Embarrassing.
This is exactly why when you’re venturing into hair removal in larger body zones, you need to pay a pro to do it. Fact: Most people who remove hair at upscale salons are attractive women. Stupid Advice has done the research and knows. So, you pay a hot girl to fondle your body? This is not a bad thing.
4. Back
Personally, we don’t get why dudes are so obsessed with getting rid of their back hair these days. Seriously, WTF? It’s not like you have to look at it, and who cares what anyone else thinks. Also, this is the second trickiest hair removal situation. Someone else must be brought in to do the deed.
True fact: your bros don’t want to do it and neither do we. If you blend in with the rug when you’re lying face down on the floor, you may want to consider laser hair removal, which is totally painful and expensive, but permanent.
5. Groin
This is a touchy subject. For men and for women. Speaking for women, or at least this woman, we don’t understand why you would want to place a sharp object near your penis. This just seems unwise. For a wide variety of reasons. We love you, but if you accidentally hack off your phallus with a razor, we may have to seek out romantic relations elsewhere. That is how we roll.
If you insist upon weed-wacking your wang: a) let a professional do it, b) wax, never shave, and c) keep DIY hair-down-there treatments to a trim with a pair of scissors. Be careful there, big fella.
Susannah Breslin is a freelance journalist and blogger. Go here to read more.
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Daily News – Male Grooming & Venus 1/7/2011…
Male Grooming (click here to view the full articles) *Style Studio posts an article from The San Francisco…
12:03 pm on January 6th, 2011
As written by a woman. Just get a beard trimmed and put it on the second setting (about a quarter inch) and clip your chest and tubes. Soap up your balls and top of your back and shave with a Sharp face razor. Yeah, I know, the idea takes some getting used to (face/balls) but it’ll be fine. Just take your time. Clip nails with a clipped and put some gold bond lotion on. Done. You’ve just saved s boatload of $$ and your manliness. Please women. Stop trying to turn men into females.
6:54 am on January 7th, 2011
seriously ?? it’s like a man offering a women advice on making sandwiches…. let us men do our thing
thank you
10:16 am on January 7th, 2011
Daily News – Male Grooming & Venus 1/7/2011…
Male Grooming (click here to view the full articles) *Style Studio posts an article from The San Francisco…
12:01 pm on January 7th, 2011
What a pointless article! You could have saved people who read it a lot of time by titling it: If you need to manscape, see a pro.
Why would a woman even attempt to write an article about manscaping?
10:00 pm on January 26th, 2011
Why would a woman even attempt to write an article about manscaping?…uhm, really? Because we’re the ones who are going to fuck you? Just sayin’
4:01 am on February 20th, 2011
I respect broads just as much as the next guy- but a woman writing this article is like me giving my girl advice on cramps. or nagging.
Wax!? Professional?! L to the MFAO.
The thought of applying hot wax to my wooly diamond satchel, followed by a quick rip—aaah… I don’t think so, sugarbuns! Also I wish you gents luck on setting THAT appointment…”yes I’d like my testicles and shaft waxed please… 2:30 is fine.”
Brothers, it’s a DIY. Be careful, patient, and confident. A stiffy helps spread that sheepskin out for a proper shearing. I’d also recommend cold water for the boys, to shrink ‘em up.
The part about armpits is right.
You don’t want to look like you’re holding a gorilla in a headlock, but “ballerina style” is a solid DON”T.
12:50 am on April 4th, 2011
It is readily clear from reading this that you have no idea what having a penis is actually like. Not that it is important but reading the line “but if you accidentally hack off your phallus with a razor…” made me pause because no man could ever make any mistake so grievous while simply shaving. Even using a straight razor (who the hell would?) the possibility of accidents when it comes to that area is virtually zero.
5:17 pm on April 19th, 2011
Applying wax to the very elastic and thin skin of the twig and giggleberries is a horrible idea, you will get burnt and removing the wax will be very difficult.
much better to use a razor. Its not like you don’t have anything to hold onto to make the skin tight and smooth.
9:18 pm on May 15th, 2011
Guys, I had a ton of hair on my chest and legs, and of course in the pubic area. I tried trimming them or even shaving them but women complained that they itched, it was like rubbing against the bristles of a brush while having intercourse.
I wanted a DIY solution and I have finally got it. Epilator. not just any but Panasonic’s latest one. It’s awesome. I have cleaned my arms, legs, chest and “the down below” with it and it feels great.
A little tip, start with a tweezer and after pulling 30 to 40 hairs, your body is already anticipating pain and it kinda normalizes pain as just an other biological event. Then start epilating. After about 3-10 minutes of epilating, your body will release it’s naturally occuring “Morphine”, which will make you forget about any pain you might have felt. The trick is to keep going. Have a little oranage juice or a quick energy drink because at some point you might feel like you are going to pass out. It’s a lot more gentle and less painful when you use this device in wet mode. Put some soap on the area to be cleaned. Put some soap on the epilator head, and start with “Mission Clean-up”
I feel so clean and comfortable, when women touch my bare skin, it’s an incredible feeling. And of course it doesn’t just end on touching; you get the point.
TC
7:22 am on May 20th, 2011
This article is incredibly stupid! the author obviously has NO idea what she’s talking about. OF COURSE men should shave around their dick. what are you talking about? you’re supposed to be on our side.. who wants to choke on hair during oral sex? goes for both sexes. that hair has to go…period!
7:09 pm on September 25th, 2011
This is ridiculous advice. Namely, number 5 is horrible. Other women simply don’t agree with this lady’s opinion. Case in point: http://lovinglyshared.blogspot.com/2011/09/manscape.html
That is all.
1:10 pm on December 3rd, 2011
I fell upon this website when I was looking for some razors and I read some of the threads and thought, what a bunch of amateurs. First of all many men shave there private area and extremities, like legs and arms. I have been shaving my legs for years. If you have never shaved this area before, start with an electric sheer you would use to shave your head. shave off most of your hair with this until the hair is about a quarter inch long. then take a shower to soften up the hair, then put on shaving cream and let it soften a little more and start shaving from your ankle up. It might feel a little itchy the first time, but after that it is fine. It is not uncommon for me to lather my legs with shaving cream twice during a shave to make sure I got off all the nubs. I shave my legs three times a week. Some people call this manscapping. You can call it whatever you want. I have been doing this for many years and I would have it nomother way.
8:09 am on March 20th, 2012
What the crap. a) if you’re a chick, tell us how you like pubes groomed and b) if you wax down there you’ll tear the very thin and very sensitive skin off. it’s the one place you’re not meant to wax. oy. bad article.
8:26 am on April 27th, 2012
The woman who wrote this put WAY too much effort into dramatic effect.
An ordinary, twin-blade disposable razor has zero chance of ‘damaging’ any part of a guy’s anatomy. They work great, even in areas you can’t see.
9:17 pm on May 3rd, 2012
If you shave your armpit hair, you will sweat less there and have less b.o. Woman do not care if you mansscape.
The writer of the article doesn’t get guys often you can tell.
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