Stupid Advice: How to Dump Her Like a Man

Welcome to “Stupid Advice,” a weekly column in which we point out stupid advice for men and explain why it’s stupid. After all, there’s enough stupidity out there already.

This week’s “Stupid Advice” award goes to Mark Healy for his GQ magazine article, “How to Dump Her Like a Man.”

Ah, breakups. So many ways to avoid it. So few ways to do it and enjoy it. All you want is to never have to see her again, and somehow it gets so damn complicated. Women! Why can’t they just get the hint when you try and hide behind a light pole when you see her coming down the street? Women want to talk it out. We hate that.

According to Healy, men are bad at dumping women. This is true. Men are good at driving cars, opening jars, and slamming their heads into one another, but choreographing a sensitive, “I never want to see you again,” is not written into their DNA. So, what’s to be done about this? After all, you do want to stay classy, dude. Let’s see what Mr. GQ recommends.

1. Let Her Hate You

“Forget about preserving your status as the sweetest guy on the planet,” Healy advises. “Don’t rob her of the opportunity to hate your fucking guts.”

Stupid Advice begs to differ. A breakup doesn’t have to be boring. You’re never going to have sex with her for a long time if ever again, so why not get creative with it? Tell her that you are dying from a mysterious liver disease too contagious to name and declare that you are saving her life by leaving her. Then you won’t have to be with her–and you’re a hero! Women like that kind of stuff.

Think of it like this. A breakup is like being trapped in an elevator. You’ll do anything to get out: step on someone’s head, kill everybody else, set yourself on fire. This is a state of emergency, and you can say whatever you want to get out of this situation. If she thinks you’re awesome for having left her, you are a god among men.

2. Don’t Let Her Do It

Is this guy kidding? Stupid Advice is a huge fan of passive aggressively waiting out the relationship until it’s too unbearable for the other person to tolerate, forcing them to be the bad guy. We love that! In fact, we are currently shopping a book to Important New York Book Agents called How to Dump Someone Without Lifting a Finger. We consider it to be a virtual Bible on the subject. In fact, manipulating the other person to end a relationship you didn’t want to be in anymore is an act of mercy. They get to keep their pride, and you get to pretend you’re sorry.

3. Stop Banging Her Afterward

Healy! Are you asleep at the wheel? Half the point of being in a relationship is all the hot random sex you have after you supposedly go your separate ways. We love this kind of sex. You’ve screwed enough that you know what the other person wants, but you don’t have any of the responsibilities you used to–phew. Besides, you’re going to need something on the side until you line something new up. Abstinence is never pretty.

4. She Didn’t Want You

“Remember, she might be happier about this than you are.” We doubt it. Women don’t like getting dumped. Regardless, if we do, you’ll never know. We’ll just wait until you leave, and then call our girlfriends and laugh our asses off. That’s how we roll in Vaginaland.

5. Send Her Flowers

We actually kind of dig this preposterous idea supposedly borrowed from JFK, mostly because we are female and we like flowers. We are not sure, though, because we have never been on the receiving end of such a gesture after a breakup. But we are open to the concept. True, your flowers may end up in the toilet, but you may open the door to friendship, which we guess is possible. On the other hand, it may cause her to think you still want her. And then you might get back together. And then you’ll have to go through this whole rigmarole all over again.

Susannah Breslin is a freelance journalist and blogger. Go here to read more.