Stupid Advice: How to Become a Male Porn Star

Welcome to “Stupid Advice,” a new column in which we point out stupid advice for men and explain why it’s stupid. After all, there’s enough stupidity out there already.

This week’s “Stupid Advice” award goes to George Miller for his MadeMan article, “How to Become a Male Porn Star.”

Ah, male porn stardom. It’s the job of which every man dreams. Get paid to pop boners and have sex with hot chicks. Who could ask for a better vocation? Digging ditches it ain’t.

Of course, becoming a professional woodsman is harder than you’d think. It’s not all “Boogie Nights” and boob jobs. And because breaking into porno is no simple feat, non-male porn stars are always concocting absurd columns telling you how you, too, could become the next Peter North.

Is their advice stupid … or spot-on? Let’s take a look.

First, we deconstruct their stupid advice, then we give you some advice of our own.

1. “Determine if this is what you really want.”

What guy doesn’t want to become a male porn star? Sure, there are a few of you out there, but we are not talking about you. Most guys would like to be porn stars. Or think they would. The first question to ask yourself is: Can you hack it?

2. “Get your stamina up.”

Speaking of which, Stupid Advice has spent a pretty fair amount of time around the porn industry, enough time to know that guys who think you have to “get your stamina up” to be in porn have spent very little time around the porn industry.

“Invest in male sex toys,” Miller advises. Frankly, Stupid Advice has no idea to what he is referring here, and Stupid Advice doesn’t want to know. In our experienced opinion, you either have it or you don’t. If you can maintain an erection for two hours and have sex with a woman under hot lights while half a dozen ugly dudes stand around and watch, you are a natural. If you can’t, apply at Bennigan’s.

3. “Make an audition video.”

“In order to get your profile up and running you’ll need a sex video to submit to online sites.” It’s possible Miller thinks that you can break in and make it big by becoming an amateur male porn star first, and then banging your way up to the big leagues. That’s not how it works. If you want to get paid nothing, ever, for your work, you could try this route, though.

4. “Submit your video to online sites.”

Stupid Advice would like to tell you that if you make an audition video of you and some random chick having sex and “submit it to online sites,” one of two things will happen. It will be deleted, or the recipient will watch it while knocking back cold ones and laugh uproariously at your feeble attempts to be a male porn star.

5. “Make a list of your favorite websites.”

Sure, you can do this, but it will not lead to becoming a porn star.

6. “Never give up.”

Stupid Advice begs to differ. If your name is George Miller, give up immediately. If your name is not George Miller, and you really want to be a male porn star, try following these handy tips.

The Porn Industry Is in the Crapper

For a variety of reasons, the adult movie industry is spiraling quickly down the toilet. Blame online content pirating, blame the economy, blame yourself for watching all that free stuff on YouPorn. Know that if you are trying to break in now, you are looking at a tough road ahead. If you’re lucky, you’ll get paid $100 for a scene. Worth it? You be the judge. You may want to pick up some shifts at IHOP on the side.

Ride a Girl’s Coattails

Honestly, the only way to get into porn is by doing so with a girl. People who work in porn don’t like male porn stars because they are irritating. But they like girls, especially ones who are pretty and willing to have sex in public for cash. If your girl wants to become a porn star, you can be her on-camera costar if you insist that you work together and she doesn’t work with anyone else. This will get you in the porn door, but soon enough they will talk her into doing scenes with other guys, and she will dump you, so there is that to consider.

Your Penis Is a Wondertool

These days, porn is like a freak show and the spectacular are most likely to survive when competition is fierce. If you have a giant dong, a shocking ability to shoot monster loads or are totally handsome and girls actually really like having sex with you (for real, not in your mind), you could be the next James Deen, probably the most popular male performer working today. If you’re not, you may want to keep your woodsman dreams as dreams. In porn, the fantasy is always better than the reality.

Susannah Breslin is a freelance journalist and blogger. Go here to read more.