Stupid Advice: Cheat to Save Your Marriage

Welcome to “Stupid Advice,” a new column in which we point out stupid advice for men and explain why it’s stupid. After all, there’s enough stupidity out there already.

This week’s “Stupid Advice” award goes to Aaron Gell for his Details magazine story, “Family Affair: How Taking a Mini-Vacation Can Restore Your Marital Sex Life.”

Having marital problems? “[I]nching past 40”? Looking to bang other broads? Gell has the answer: cheat on your wife. Why? Here’s the kicker: it will make your marriage better. What evidence does Gell offer up to bolster his outré supposition? His own marriage, of course.

As it turns out, this stupid advice wasn’t his. It was his wife’s. Marriage and parenthood had turned Gell’s marriage into a “sexual no-fly zone.” Duly noting her husband’s misery, Mrs. Gell purportedly pronounced, “Maybe you need to see other girls.” What is this chick, French? “You should be free,” she added. Perhaps.

Gell deems his philandering “negotiated wedlock, open fidelity, or monogamy 2.0.” Or, you know, maybe he’s just a man-whore. Thanks to his wife’s understanding nature, he’s free to bang other broads. And guess what? She loves it! According to the author, his wife sees her cheating husband as a “swaggering player.” Why, she’s even thinking about cheating herself! Therein the problem begins.

As a person with a vagina, I can tell you with absolute surety that if you take Gell’s stupid advice at face value, you will not end up bumping uglies with young hotties in the back seats of cabs, but you will end up handing over large sums of moneys to a divorce lawyer and negotiating child custody arrangements with your ex. If Gell’s story is true – and while we’re inclined to believe it may be for now, it will likely not be forever – his wife is an exception on the woman spectrum, not the rule.

Secretly, most women view their men as their property. They’ll never tell you that, but it’s true. He’s mine, we think. It’s why we like to use the word “we.” We want you nailed down with that ring, damn it. These are not things that are indicative of a group of people who are big fans of sharing, especially when it comes to your penis. There are women out there who are turned on by the fantasy of you sticking it to another woman, but they are few and far between. Sometimes, they work in strip clubs. Or appear in porn movies.

Here’s how your average woman would react if you said, “Hey, honey, how about we try adultery as a way of resolving our marital issues, rather than, say, couples therapy?”

1. Throw a dish at your head.
2. Take all your clothes, put them in your car, and throw a Molotov cocktail at the whole lot of it.
3. Get drunk with their girlfriends and have sex with your best friend.

Women are nice and all, but we are also capable of great vengeance when wronged, and unless you are a fan of sticking your hand into a bee’s nest, attempting to score permission to cheat on your wife is phenomenally dumb.

Obviously, this doesn’t mean you can’t cheat. That’s your prerogative. But if you do, you might want to follow this advice. Don’t get caught. Wear a condom, because no one is going to believe you if you say you got HPV at the gym. Know that while it may feel good in the moment to insert yourself into some fresh meat, the consequences of such actions may far outweigh the pleasures. Unless you’re a sociopath, you’re probably going to end up wrestling with feelings of guilt, which will make your home sex life worse. And women have that sixth sense, so even if she doesn’t figure out to what you are up, she will smell the dog on you and punish you in passive aggressive ways that only a woman can. You will be sorry.

Another morsel for thought, brought up by Gell’s lucky wife: If you open up your marriage, you’re going to have to accept that she may play the field, too. After all, if you are, why not her, too? Yes, that may conjure up exciting fantasies of you having sex with her and her hot hairstylist, but you may want to also consider how you would feel about the idea of her getting it doggie style from Larry at the supermarket. That is not so hot, is it?

I’ve known plenty of couples who’ve had open marriages, open relationships, and even swingers. For a while, it’s all fun and dildos. Until it isn’t. Invariably someone falls in love, gets jealous, or changes their mind. Then you’re both sluts, and you find yourself looking back and wondering if the sometimes hardships of monogamy might have been easier to handle – before your wandering wang had to go and mess it up.

Susannah Breslin is a freelance journalist and blogger. Go here to read more.