Star Tours We’d Pay to See

Maybe it’s just because I live in Los Angeles, but I think we can all agree (or at least should all agree) that “Tours to Stars Homes” or “Maps to Stars Homes” are pretty lame. Unless my tour includes a stop at Mel Gibson’s Jacuzzi (as a receiver) I’m just not interested. I know some people don’t mind shelling out $25 to ride around in a crowded van to take pictures of Tom Cruise’s bushes—but not me. For $25, we should be able to sit at the edge of his bed while he gives it to Katie Holmes, and I should get some sort of snack for the ride back.

When I am doing something at the Playboy Mansion (my radio show, casual stalking, etc.) I am almost always run over by some “Star Home Tours” short-bus carrying snap-happy tourists who practically capsize the thing when the driver says “and this is the world famous Playboy Mansion.” Don’t get me wrong, I understand what all the excitement is about with Hef’s house, but isn’t it just a waste of gas to swing by Cuba Gooding Jr.’s house (er, well, apartment) for a look-see?

If Kramer could launch a reality tour of J. Peterman on Seinfeld, and if any half-wit with a learner’s permit can pack tourists into Ozzy Ozbourne’s driveway for $50 a pop, why can’t I create a tour that would actually be worth the price of admission? So, if I inherit a van from some creepy uncle I’ve never met, here are three “tours” that I would operate:

1. Hot Woman Hangouts: This tour would take you to all of the places that really, really beautiful women hang out, and guys like us usually avoid. It would start at a Whole Foods salad bar, and then stop by various frozen yogurt and cupcake stands before ending at a yoga class. This tour would cost $5, and would include your choice of either a cupcake or a pair of very, very dark sunglasses.

2. Girls You’ve Slept With: Just like A Christmas Carol—but instead of ghosts taking you to different parts of your life, our van will. Looking at your former conquests online may seem like an easier option, but Facebook can be so misleading. Our Girls You’ve Slept With Tour will take you to check up on everyone, from your former high-school sweetheart to the secretary you banged at your first job’s holiday party. Find out who let themselves go and who is worth randomly “bumping into” again. This tour would cost $20 for up to five girls, and additional mileage charges may apply.

3. Watch Strangers Have Sex in Public: (No, it’s not wrong, because they want to be seen.) Let’s face it, there is a little voyeur inside of us all. Why not satisfy that without risking a visit from the fuzz because your lawsuit-happy neighbor just happens to have a sexy European mistress who never learned the word “bra”? Exactly. This tour would visit popular places that people cross off their fuck-it lists. Beginning at the beach at sundown, this tour would then travel to various parking structures, hotel balconies and nightclub bathrooms before returning to the beach for the post bar “let’s do something crazy” crowd. This tour would be free as long as you chip in for gas.

So, there you have it: For less than the price of a Star Map you can find some “LA 10s” in their natural habitat, check in on that sorority girl you took to your formal five years ago and watch strangers gyrate as they avoid getting sand in each other. It sure seems like a better way to spend an afternoon than watching one of Jon Travolta’s servants bring his trash to the curb.

Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter.