Why Robots With Vaginas Are a Bad Idea
The movies have got it all wrong: Robots aren’t going to destroy humanity. They’re not going to become self-aware and nuke their makers. Nor will they use us as living batteries. Humanity’s inevitable demise won’t be the result of an artificial intelligence shutting our life support systems down as we snore in space. Robots won’t wipe out mankind. But they’ll help.
Check out this video first:
Feel free to cry. You’ll be seeing this albino slug droid in your nightmares. But do not doubt the following prophetic statement: Slap a cyborg vagina on this twitching, limbless Pinocchio from hell and what you’ll have is the most successful commercial product of all time. Viagra is one of the biggest blockbuster drugs of all time and did it cure cancer? No. It gave geezers boners. Which is nice and all. But it’s not like the little blue pill saved lives. But once the average man is able to hump his coffee maker, the fall of civilization isn’t far behind.
The creepy wiggling pillow in the video is the invention of noted Japanese roboticist Hiroshi Ishiguro. His creation is called the Telenoid R1, and it’s designed to be a communication tool. Think of it as a cross between Skype videoconferencing and a puppet. One person speaks into microphone while a webcam scans the user’s facial movements. Miles away, the Telenoid R1 “speaks,” and mimics the caller’s expressions. As one can see from the video, it’s the perfect way to never actually have to visit your feeble granddad that smells like tuna salad and loneliness. It should be noted that robotics is an enormous industry in Japan, a country eager for solutions to their huge eldercare problem that doesn’t involve importing large numbers of foreign-born nurses. Robots wash, feed and clean invalid patients. Robots are set to play a huge part in Japan’s future. The whole world will follow suit. However, the evolution of robotics will follow this rule: genitals first, then Gatling guns.
The greatest job in science has to be that of futurists, a discipline where one’s theories can’t be proven wrong until long after death. But that hasn’t stopped these prognosticators from predicting that, very soon, man and machine will smush. These scientists ponder how this will affect gender norms and human sexuality. They opine about socio-economic ramifications and what this would mean to the traditional family unit. What they don’t do is scream at the top of their lungs about how it’s the worst fucking idea that science has ever come up with…worse than the hydrogen bomb, the Segway and bright orange cheese powder.
This isn’t going to be some chinless pervert with hairy elbows violently stabbing a hot, wet vacuum cleaner nozzle with his mushroom wanger in his mother’s basement. It will be at first. Here’s how it will go down: The initial market for sex robots will be cheap Roombas with mouths for the rape hobbits, and really expensive, sleek, beautiful sexbots for sports stars. But if the history of capitalism has anything to say about it, very shortly after that, it will be easy for regular men to purchase their very own Megan Fox 2000. We’re still decades away from eradicating diseases like Alzheimer’s, and yet there are multiple erection-zapping drugs out there. We will get nearly lifelike lady androids before we ever see Robocop, C-3PO, or the still awesome forklift robot suit from the movie Aliens.
Then what will happen? Will a truce be called in the battle of the sexes? No, because women will win by default. Ironically, they will win and the burden of the world will be heaved onto their shoulders, because the entire male populace will be draining its precious bodily fluids into a purring mannequin swaddled in synthetic skin. Men will pork themselves to death. Women think guys don’t text back now? Just wait. A boyfriend will go missing for a month, and the cops will find his starved, emaciated body slumped over two identical Beyoncé 2.0’s, his wasted buttocks weakly flexing with quickly dissipating lust. The male desire to conquer and build will be replaced with a salmon’s single-minded compulsion to spawn. There will be no need for men to love, because the robots will be programmed to satisfy our every need. We’ll just sit back and bask in their automated adoration–they’ll make sandwiches, shoot beer out their nipples, and blow us while the game is on (the NFL will have changed by then, with bulldozers replacing linebackers).
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Sex Robots of the Future | The Smoking Jacket…
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4:20 pm on September 15th, 2010
that sounds wonderful.
Some scientists will have to remain vigilant though, to deal with sperm and egg donation.
4:37 pm on September 15th, 2010
“There will be no need for men to love, because the robots will be programmed to satisfy our every need.”
I don’t see how you can connect these two. The act of loving is not dependant on whether our needs will or will not be satisfied. In other words, we don’t love others just to make ourselves happy.
5:52 pm on September 15th, 2010
Yes, this is quite a feminist piece of crap article. It assumes that men are interested in absolutely nothing but orgasms. Neverminding the fact that the female sextoy industry is a mutli-billion dollar a year moneymaker, the concept of this article is really just debasing men.
5:57 pm on September 15th, 2010
Iam going to need a robot with a vagina pronto
and hope don’t lose control and cut me in the process hehehehe
6:31 pm on September 15th, 2010
Sex Robots of the Future | The Smoking Jacket…
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6:43 pm on September 15th, 2010
Guess us guys are just stupid beasts. Also women have had these, ‘robots’ for years. They are called vibrators. That hasn’t ended all civilization yet.
1:16 am on September 16th, 2010
The vibrator hasnt replaced men yet. I’m sure we’re at little risk of being replaced by that talking fetus
6:04 am on September 16th, 2010
Even though you make a good argument here I believe there is no substitute for the love of a good woman.
11:19 am on September 16th, 2010
Futurama was right all along! They said it first….
7:15 pm on September 16th, 2010
I think its going to be fun. If anything, it will shift the powers between the sexes drastically. The more the technology develops, men will pursue women less, and less, and less.
Sure, you’re not gonna get love or affection from these robots… Which is ideal. It means men will only show interest in women for love and relationships… Which is a win-win.
Women will most likely start pursuing and begging men to be with them. Its already happening in some countries where men don’t approach. Google for germany or sweden to see how foreign women there whine how no guys ever approach, hit on them, or ask them out. In those countries the women do all the work.
8:05 pm on September 16th, 2010
I don’t know what the hell that Casper the friendly ghost creepy quivering fetal/maggot thing is supposed to be, but its almost like the old geezer is saying “couldn’t you have got the hot one with the vagina instead?” as he recoils away from the “thing”. Put a rubber penis on it and i’m sure females will like it though.
8:10 pm on September 16th, 2010
looks like the alien kuato from arnold schwarzenegger’s total recall movie.
8:38 am on September 17th, 2010
Uhm…I take offense as a female. I want my own sexbot damn it. The Depperator 2200 or the Drapperator 1967. Either will do.
8:00 pm on September 17th, 2010
Isn’t “Why Robots With Vaginas Are a Bad Idea” a Phillip K Dick short story?
5:22 pm on September 18th, 2010
Well maybe if women weren’t such B***HES ALL THE TIME MEN WOULD CHASE THEM INSTEAD OF A ROBOT, I DONT THINK WOMEN WILL WIN THE BATTLE OF THE SEXES SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY NEED US MORE THAN WE NEED THEM…
7:30 pm on September 19th, 2010
What about dildo’s and vibes? 99% are purchased by women which begs to ask the question… robots with dicks?
10:39 pm on September 19th, 2010
Jessica, women have so many options when it comes to sex toys..LOL.. Give us something.. LOL
2:49 am on October 9th, 2010
Oh, I have a bad feeling about this.
1:19 am on October 11th, 2010
Why do you think men will have all the fun? As someone before me said, “women have had “robots” for years…” who says that males will be the primary target group for sellers of these androids? This will mean that women can have that movie star that they have been drooling over. Or maybe that rock star, or maybe even that movie star AND that rock star! LOL!
10:59 am on October 18th, 2010
Looks more like cybering (old chat term) birth control and disease control.
Actually china needs this bad.
you chat at one end and mount while she is chatting in other country being the mountee (?) of her cyber shaking machine.
10:47 pm on October 20th, 2010
Now elderly who doesn’t have an idea how to operate computers can now communicate with their grand childs.
Japanese never cease to amaze. Vocaloid anyone?
9:26 am on October 24th, 2010
One sided rubbish, to be sure. But I can still appreciate the fact that it is very well written and made me laugh.
I also learned that women aren’t interested in sex, and other debauchery apparently reserved for the males of the species. And here I was thinking that flavored malt beverages and sticky-sweet vodka, as well as for-female porn, vibrators, magic bullets, Sybians, and other female sex toys were big business.
3:46 pm on October 28th, 2010
@Tommy: You’re retarded. Women are bitches to keep guys like you away.
8:15 pm on November 6th, 2010
it looks like Casper the friendly ghost LOL