We hate to do this to you guys but: Today is Valentine’s Day. Yes, we know you totally forgot all about it. Between the long weekend of catching up with your boys and zoning out in front of whatever sport is in season right now, you never managed to get your ass to the floral shop to order your lady a bouquet of overpriced roses. You also probably forgot to stop by Victoria’s Secret and pick up some scandalous negligee and there’s no way that Godiva isn’t sold out of all the good stuff at this point.
Basically, you’re screwed. Or rather, you were screwed until you started reading this. Fellas, here’s a list of last minute Valentine gifts that will ensure you’ll get laid tonight. Or at the very least, will keep you from having to sleep on the couch all week.
Oprah’s Moscow Mules
There’s no way that the female in your life hasn’t been dying to suck down one of these since she saw Oprah and Gayle doing so during their televised camping trip. While traditionally more of a summer drink, you should have no problem tracking down the liquor cabinet staples it takes to mix a Moscow Mule.
It’s a simple drink that looks like it takes a lot of effort, and the mere fact that you know this beverage exists and is popular with the ladies might be enough to save your neck. Stop off at the grocery store on the way home from work, pick up the ingredients and have your dranks chilled and waiting for your woman once she walks in the door. Three of these bad boys, and she won’t even remember what day it is in the first place.
The Moscow Mule recipe from Oprah.com:
- 1 ounce vodka
- 1 tsp. sugar syrup
- Fresh lime juice
- 1/2 cup ginger beer
- 1 sprig fresh mint
- 1 slice of lime
Directions: In a copper mug, pour vodka over ice. Add sugar syrup and lime juice. Top with ginger beer and stir. Garnish with mint sprig and lime slice.
You DO have a copper mug, right?
A Mix CD
Since middle school, nothing’s said, “I LIKE like you” the way a personalized mix tape does. Plus, you may have all the materials you need to make this right in your office. Fill up a blank disc with the usual mix of Billy Joel’s “Your Song,” The Beach Boys’ “God Only Knows” and just about any Barry White track and you’ll survive this holiday just fine. Extra points if you include a song you listened to on your first date and if you ask her to dance while the smooth jams are playing.
Tattoo Her Name On Your Body
Compulsive types, this one’s for you. During your lunch break, run down to the nearest tattoo shop and have your significant other’s name tatted on your bicep. Sure, it’s going to hurt and it’s permanent as hell, but enduring the silent treatment and having to go live with your bachelor friend Mark for two weeks while she “figures some stuff out” is a hell of a lot more painful.
A Ski Mask
Got a fetishy-ass female on your hands? Good for you. But the line at the sex shop on Valentine’s Day is probably something you don’t have time (or the stomach) for, so it’s time to think outside of the box. With it still being cold enough to find cheap outerwear in the strangest of places, we suggest you dip into the nearest bodega or gas station and pick up a traditional black ski mask. Hell, you might want to do this even if your significant other isn’t a kinkster. There’s a good chance that the best gift you can give her is one whole night without having to stare at your big dumb face.
A Coupon Book
The old classic! A handmade book filled with coupons she can redeem for anything from a neck massage to a day where you clean the house in the buff. Push your limits, guys. Offer her a homemade dinner, a night where you DD her and her drunk girlfriends around town, a day filled with unlimited oral sex and maybe even an offer to babysit her sister’s annoying kid for a day so they can spend some alone time together. Whatever you do, make sure to follow through on everything you offer or you’re giving your woman the chance to call you cheap and a liar.
Personalized Barbara Streisand Song
If you blew all your cash on a recent three-day bender in Vegas with your homedawgs, don’t sweat it. GoBarbara.com allows you to customize a “Barbara Streisand” song for free. The songs sound a hell of a lot more silly than they do romantic, but what woman wouldn’t love a Babs track with her name sprinkled in it?
If you have a pop culture obsessed diehard romantic on your hands, perhaps you can wrap a Band-Aid around her left ring finger like Tom Green did before he ordered Drew Barrymore her engagement ring. Of course you’ll be stuck following up with something more permanent in the near future and you’ll both have to ignore the fact that Tom and Drew only lasted for a minute, but hey! Maybe you should have thought of that two weeks ago.
Get Her Nails Did
You’d be hard pressed to find a woman who doesn’t want a spa day, and there are enough beauty shops out there to pick up a gift certificate without having your schedule raped by a huge line. For $15-$50 (depending on where you live and the quality of shop you go to) you can get a gift certificate for a manicure and pedicure (and yes, you must spend enough for her to get both.) This serves as a gift to you, too. When she’s out redeeming her gift, you’ll have at least an hour to yourself to lounge around in your boxers and eat sandwiches that would make Cliff Huxtable jealous.
A Candy Buffet
Go to the drugstore and skip the aisle with sweets arranged in cardboard hearts. Those are subpar chocolates (half of which are filled with pure grossness) marked up to take advantage of desperate men like you. Instead, stick to the candies next to the register. Chances are there’s a two-for-one deal going on and you can get four times the amount of treats you would have if you’d bought one of the seasonal options. Lay out all the candies on the dining room table with a glass of wine and tell her to have at it. She may tell you she hates you for giving her free range to binge, but you won’t be able to hear her over all the Rolos she’s choking down.
Break Up With Her
Your lady may temporarily hate you for ending your relationship on V-Day, but don’t you think she’s better off without the kind of dude who can’t remember the one day a year society expects him to sack up and show a romantic gesture toward the one he loves? Trust us when we say that within a few years, she’ll look back on it as one of the best presents she’s ever gotten. No offense.
Sure, this one might not get you laid by your current girlfriend, but you will be free to head out and pursue all kind of fresh Valentine’s strange at your local dive bar. Happy Valentine’s Day to you!