Kona Brewing Company Beer Review

All beers are trying to sell you on something. In the days of yore, beer commercials were notorious for insinuating that scantily clad women would rub their meticulously oiled bodies all over you moments after cracking open a cold one. We now know this phenomenon doesn’t exist, unless of course you’re rich. That occurrence is well documented.

Macrobrew advertisements have evolved to become more subtle in their imagery. Their beers are now shown nested in piles of ice or shown flying through cascading water, driving their association with being thirst quenching and refreshing. It’s a good hook that largely distracts from their less desirable traits:

Since craftbrewers don’t have the capital for a media onslaught, they tend to assign boisterous names to their beers so the bragging is self-contained. A bold, self-assured name serves as a preview of the rarefied experience that beer will deliver. It’s the kind of grandiosity consumers count on to validate the $15 they just plunked down for a measly 4-pack somehow isn’t completely ridiculous.

Kona Brewing sells you on the mystique of island living. Each bottle conjures images like aquamarine tropical waters, palm fronds swaying in the cool off-shore breeze and pasty tourists grimacing at their tender feet being seared in pristine white sand beaches. It’s part of the Hawaiian spirit of Okuhanalei, which translates to “Vaguely Hawaiian-sounding word that probably means ‘tractor’ or something.”

“Kona – The Flavor Of Your Life (if it sucked 98% less)”

Longboard Island Lager (4.6% ABV)

This lager has a hazy straw coloration. The aromas are pretty mild, but considering I’m getting tart fruits and floral notes, this is already ambitious for a lager. Normally I’d celebrate, but it hardly seems appropriate to reward such ambition when I’m trying to succumb to tropical lethargy. Shame on you, Kona.

It has a crisp mouthfeel that is well-carbonated and a little oily. Soft citrus flavors lead the early hop charge, but the flavor resolves with clean, grassy bitterness and a light peppery note. You could say it tastes like a spring mix of baby greens tossed with a citrus vinaigrette, so long as there weren’t any alpha males in wedgie-ing range of you.

Ultimately it’s thirst quenching with a bit of character to boot. It would make a fantastic session beer. I can’t say I’d reach for this too often per my personal tastes, but it would be a great beer for a hot day.

Grade: B

Koko Brown (5.5% ABV)

To my knowledge this is the first beer label to feature the sport of paddleboarding. It’s the perfect sport for anyone who knows the best part of surfing is standing in place, without the distractions of speed or fun. Better yet, it improves on traditional rowing by robbing it of all mechanical advantage and tripling your likelihood of dumping into shark-infested waters.

“Wheeeee….?”

This dark mahogany ale has a thin, off-white head. I smell lots of bread crusts and coconut over the top. I think there’s even a hint of marshmallow in there as well, but it could just be a combination of the other smells. Or it could be traces from the fat rail of Stay Puft I demolished in an effort to finish this article at 2 a.m.

I really need to find some decent drugs

I can say without equivocation that this label doesn’t lie. There is a ton of coconut flavor in this. It’s not the flavor density of a pina colada, but it certainly is prominent. There’s also lots of roasted flavors that steer the experience toward the bitter spectrum. Unfortunately, I’m detecting a metallic taste that’s a little distracting and accumulates as you drink more.

If you have even a mild aversion to coconut flavor, this is not the beer for you. If you adore coconut, you’ll probably lament that it’s not as malt-forward as the aroma suggests. For me, I found the mouthfeel, a little light for a brown, was a bit undone by that weird aftertaste. I suppose this is an interesting brown, but it wasn’t hitting the right notes with me.

Grade: B-

Pipeline Porter (5.4% ABV)

The Pipeline Porter’s thin taupe head rests on a largely opaque reddish-brown brew. This had the most substantial head of all the Kona beers I tried, but still dissolved quickly.

The coffee aromas are pretty much a given here, but I have to say it’s really pleasant. Often coffee aromas in beer more closely approximate the scorched smell common to office break-rooms where a certain editor believes this constitutes “not finishing the pot.”

I’m going to kill you in your sleep, Adam

The flavors are a blend of coffee, cocoa powder, black licorice and a soft, malty sweetness. It’s light in mouthfeel and the roasted flavors in this are very nicely tuned. In fact, the aftertaste is actually more reminiscent to that of coffee than beer, which is unusual, but novel.

This beer delivers a pretty nice suite of flavors and is still very drinkable. If you like coffee, you’ll like this. If you don’t like coffee, you’ll like this because my grade WILLS you to. If you believe coffee is simply a vehicle to get creamer and raw sugar into your mouth, you’re probably beyond my help.

Grade: A-