A Review of Three Beers from Japan

I rather enjoy shopping at my local Asian market. I like to pretend that its impossibly cramped aisles and strangely diminutive shopping carts are evidence that I’ve somehow grown 10% larger upon entering. Fear not, shoppers, this incrementally-larger giant means you no harm. I’m also fortunate that my store doubles as an indoor fish market, so I’ve got the persistent smell of a wharf’s asshole to urge expedient shopping. Not to mention the treasure trove of specialty products they have available:

You really CAN milk anything with nipples!

I usually regard such products as novelties, but every so often I toss caution to the wind. This purchase was a no-brainer:

This snack has everything – portability, Tae Kwon Do, sea laver (i.e. edible seaweed), “100%” printed twice on the front and an earnest desire to just pal around with your beer. At least, I hope that’s what it means by “mate”….

This is by far the least shameful thing to happen in my marital bed

So what do you do with Beer Mate? The envelope happily spells it out for you on the back:

• Enjoy with beer
• Enjoy on TV Watching
• Enjoy on Picnic
• Dietary Snack for women

As soon as I saw Beer Mate I knew I would have to weave it into an Asian beer tasting so I grabbed three Japanese beers as well. This may not compute among the keener observers who note that this treat is evidently Korean, but I can explain the disparity. Korean beers are a little harder to come by and I thought it better to make selections most everyone could potentially find. Also I’m racist and Asian people are completely interchangeable to me. I hope that clears things up.

Sapporo (5% ABV)

Sapporo is generally lumped among lagers, but sometimes more specifically placed in the class of Japanese rice lagers. I’m not much of a lager guy in the first place, so being faced with a “rice lager” sounds like bland on bland crime. I refuse to make any special rice-based allowances for a class of beer that already disappoints. Sapporo gets to see how it stacks up against all lagers in a battle royale to determine who bores me the least.

The fizzy eggshell head the Sapporo summons topples quickly into the pale, yellow brew. The nose is relatively clean, but is dominated by rice and wet grain.

The first taste is crisp and vibrant, staying true to its core mission as a lager, but it’s not exactly bowling me over with flavor. The mouthfeel is very watery and the hopped aftertaste comes off as a little greasy and vegetal. There is a little spicy sharpness of note, but I think it’s just an aftershock from the abundant carbonation. Or maybe its from the rails of wasabi I snorted to keep me awake through a lager tasting.

Ultimately it goes down very easy. If the Sapporo execs had any sense their ads would play to that more:

Beer + Sea Laver:

This is the Japanese equivalent of Corona and tortilla chips. Neither are particularly outstanding on their own, but they’re an institution together. This oily, briny treat really demands a complimentary palate cleanser which Sapporo delivers. So good job, Sapporo, you helped me not taste something else. Hurrah?

Grade: C+

Grade + Sea Laver: A

Hitachino Nest Red Rice Ale (7% ABV)

The “Nest Red Rice Ale” is a bit closer to what I was hoping to get from a Japanese beer – the promise of weird ingredients by a somewhat incomprehensible name. I don’t know if I’ve been this excited about a Japanese dish since Japizza Hut came out with their “Happy Fun Infarction Time Deluxe Pizza Love” Deal:

The only pizza made with real sausage patties and encircled with uncircumcised penises

The look of this beer is indeed unusual. The red rice extract imparts a pink undertone to the amber brew. Still, the look doesn’t hold a candle to the aroma, so buckle up. It has the gentle aroma of a medicine cabinet. Think Ben Gay and band-aids. No shit. It’s probably just a combination of the yeasty and sweet malt smells, but it reeks of my grandpa’s lower back.

This portrait of my grandfather may explain the preoccupation with old man back. And why I always hear his ottoman crying in my dreams.

The first taste gives grainy flavors, kind of like brown rice husks, with a notable alcohol kick. The hop bitterness is floral and grassy, but it resolves with the artificial cherry sweetness of cough syrup and a mild hot pepper bite.

I’m not sure how to grade this one. It is by far the most interesting Japanese beer with red rice I’ve ever consumed, especially given it’s the only one. So I have to go with the only metric that matters, namely would I buy this again at around $6/bottle? Eh, I dunno.

If you’re planning a pride event that requires a pink beer, this is undeniably your go to. And there’s no denying that this is better than Sapporo, but they are different animals.

Beer + Sea Laver:

There’s still some harmony here, but not with the same joyous simplicity of the Sapporo union. If anything, the artificial sweeteners on the seaweed compliment the oddball flavors of the Nest Red Rice Ale better, but if that’s what you’re into I say just dump some Sweet’n’Low in your beer and be done.

Grade: B -

Grade + Sea Laver: B

Sapporo Reserve (5.2% ABV)

The first thing I notice on picking this up is how the can is ribbed for her pleasure for structural integrity. This is not a can you want to try and crush on your head. It IS the can you should dare your meathead friends to crush with their head. For the good of humanity please make sure you have a flipcam and YouTube account prior to goading.

This Sapporo is a slightly more golden piss color. Thankfully it has no urine stank to it, if any smell at all. I may be in the grips of a cold that is whittling my olfactory perception down to a nub, but I should still get SOMETHING out of this.

If you were to locate this beer on the Specialness Continuum, it would lie closer to Steel Reserve than some brewmaster’s cherished reserve. For lack of a more scientific term, it’s malt liquory. In comparison to standard Sapporo, this has more grain, more alcohol and a more bready sweetness. I’d wager the “European Hops” it swears were present during brewing were more spectators than participants.

This tastes like an overcarbonated hefeweizen that’s been run through a few coffee filters. Bleh.

Beer + Sea Laver:

The beer is enhanced by the seaweed, but not to the same degree as the original Sapporo. Beer Mate is doing all the heavy lifting in this case.

Grade: C-

Grade + Sea Laver: C