A Tour of the Creepy Murals of Belfast, Ireland

When one thinks of popular Irish tourist destinations, the first images that probably spring to mind are leaning over on your back to kiss the Blarney stone, carousing with leprechauns while blasted out of your mind on whiskey or just being cold and wet. Whatever your thoughts about fun places to visit on the Emerald Isle, they probably don’t include Belfast, Northern Ireland.

This is a shame, because Belfast, and Northern Ireland, in general, has a lot going for it. Beautiful scenery, glens full of rushing, water filled creeks and murals.

Yes, murals. Lots and lots of murals. These are all a legacy of Belfast’s troubled past. As a matter of fact, the period between 1969 and 1998 in Northern Ireland was so full of troubles that it has been named, aptly enough “The Troubles” (notice the capitalization).

But what might have been a scary painting on the side of a building meant to define territory and show pride in one’s nationality has now become big money. One of the major tourist attractions in Belfast is to take a Black Taxi tour of the murals in Belfast. Which is precisely what I decided to do to start out 2011 with a, ahem, bang.

West Belfast is divided into two halves by a huge, 30 foot tall peace line. To this day, there are electronic doors on the gates that open and lock automatically. The purpose of these gates is to keep the troublemakers on the Falls Road (Catholic, also known as Republican Faction) separated from troublemakers right next door on the Shankill Road (Protestant, also known as the Loyalist or Nationalist Faction). Right off the Shankill road is the Shankill housing estate which is, if you will, ground zero of the murals.

Now this is by no means a comprehensive coverage of my tour, the pages of The Smoking Jacket are too small for that, but just a selection of some of the more “colorful” murals found along the way.

First up is The Red Hand of Ulster. Ulster is the province of Ireland (there are four in total) that makes up Northern Ireland.

Actually, it’s a bit more complicated than that. One of the counties of Ulster is County Donegal which is part of The Republic of Ireland, or Southern Ireland. Oddly enough, parts of County Donegal lie further north than Northern Ireland. Which makes Northern Ireland south of Regular Ireland. Very confusing. No wonder these people drink so much.

Legend has it that that back in the olden days, the kingship for Ulster was up for grabs between two rival princes. After much debate, it was decided to have a boat race. The first person to touch land with their hand would be king. Nice and wholesome, right? As the race was nearing completion, one of the sons was falling behind. And, finding a loophole in the rules that would make a Halliburton lawyer proud, one of the princes cut off his hand and threw it up on the shore, thereby making him the first person to touch land and thereby, the King of Ulster.

And, in doing so, created one of the bloodiest murals around. Thanks, king!

Up next is what has been termed the “Mona Lisa of Belfast.” See the guy pointing the gun DIRECTLY AT YOU in the center of the mural? He follows you wherever you go. It’s creepy, believe me. This mural is also a good introduction to some of the political factions that were working before and during the Troubles: the guy with the gun is identified as a UFF (Ulster Freedom Fighters) member, the guy to his right is a UDU (Ulster Defense Union) member and the gentleman to the gunman’s left (who looks a little like General Douglas McArthur) is identified as a UDA (Ulster Defense Association) member. And that’s just on the Protestant side.

Right near the “Mona Lisa” is a mural of “Lt. Col. William Bucky McCullough.” Apparently McCullough was killed during infighting between the UFF and the UDA in the 1980s, when things were still hot and heavy during the Troubles. The strangest thing about this mural is Bucky’s uncanny resemblance to actor James Doohan, who played Scotty on the original Star Trek. Actually, he doesn’t look like the 1960s Scotty as much as the Scotty from Star Trek II (“Wrath of Khan” – awesome) and Star Trek III (“Search for Spock” – sucked).

Directly across the Shankill estate from Bucky is a mural in memory of “Lt. Jackie Coulter.” Apparently, he was also killed in a bit of infighting between the two Nationalist factions. But whatever Jackie did in his life, he probably didn’t do anything to deserve a fate as bad as this mural depiction. Between the hair and the glasses, he kind of looks like Bill Gates from that infamous mug shot taken in the 1970s.

From the Shankill estate, our tour moved into East Belfast and what is known as the “Freedom Corner.” Freedom, in this case, meaning lots of paintings of men with masks and guns. Like Freedom Fries, I guess. But with more guns.

Hey – what do you know? Looks like “Mona Lisa” has crossed the river from West Belfast to put in an appearance on Freedom Corner! And his gun is still pointing at us! Thanks, Mony! If you take a look just above the Belfast Mona Lisa, you can see the yellow cranes of the Harland and Wolff shipyard, makers of the ill-fated Titanic. As the locals like to say about the Titanic, “It was okay when it left here.”

There’s no shortage of murals to let you know you’re in the heart of Protestant East Belfast. They let you know again, just in case you forget. And to drive the point home further still, hey, look, it’s ANOTHER man with a gun and a mask. Notice that the Red Hand of Ulster has moved from its’ normal “high five” open palm to more of a Black Panther “right on” gesture. Or maybe they’re just getting ready to punch a tourist. In either case, it’s time to take our leave of Freedom Corner in search of greener and more artistic pastures.

Which, as you can see by our next photo consists of MORE men with ski masks and guns. Over here, they refer to the masks as “Balaclava,” but I’ve never been able to do that because it just reminds me of a tasty Greek dessert filled with honey and nuts (sounds the same, but spelled “Baklava”).

And, as you can see by the men in that picture and their enormous size, honey and nuts are probably the last things on their minds. Those guys are huge. Don’t get them dancing a jig, because they’d crush all of Northern Ireland, use the Isle of Man as a stepping stone and go give the Scots a kick up their arse.

Whew. All of these murals of men and guns started to take the cheer out of my 2011, so I asked the taxi driver to show me a happy mural. And he did. Back on the other side of town in a part of Belfast called Sandy Row, there’s a nice happy mural of two little kids cavorting in a flower and grass covered field.

It wasn’t until I moved closer that I noticed A LION RIGHT BEHIND THEM, its teeth bared in anticipation of a tasty meal of soft children flesh. Jesus Christ kids, RUN!!!!

Luckily, someone was watching out for the kids on the mural, which is probably why they’re smiling and not worried about being eaten. Directly across the street was another mural that reminded me exactly where I was, Loyalist Sandy Row, the Heartland of South Belfast and contained – THANK GOD – another masked man with a gun!!

Finally I felt at peace. Mission accomplished, I had the taxi driver drop me off at the Crown Liquor Saloon for a much needed drink, secure in the knowledge that if any mural kids in Belfast were going to be attacked by a wild animal, a masked man with a gun wouldn’t be too far behind.