One of the best assignments I’ve ever had was a piece I did a few years back on Savanna Samson. You may be familiar with part of Savanna’s work—probably the part that has to do with her being one of the world’s biggest porn stars. But in recent years she’s begun to explore a different area of passion: winemaking. My assignment? Figure out if she’s the real deal (as a winemaker, that is—her porn credentials are unassailable) and write about the experience. My research for this basically entailed drinking a lot of wine with a gorgeous and notoriously sexually voracious celebrity and talking fermented grape juice. I was a wee bit excited. Kind of like a kid in a candy store. If candy stores had giant, gorgeous tits in the window and a serious case of fuck-me eyes.
So if you are lucky enough to be in the presence of a porn star and find yourself turning into a fumbling fool, do yourself a favor and bear the following rules in mind.
1 HOLD THE ANCHOVIES
It’s common knowledge that porn chicks lose all self-control around pizza deliverymen. Ditto for pool boys, men in uniform and guys with Tom Selleck mustaches. Should you encounter any of these types while out with a porn chick, you need to whisk her away immediately…or risk losing her for the next 22 minutes.
2 ADJUST FOR INFLATION
There are a number of factors that determine how quickly an individual will be affected by alcohol, body weight being first and foremost among them. For instance, it only takes two drinks for a 120-pound woman to be considered legally intoxicated, but a 200-pound man requires double that amount to breach a breathalyzer’s red zone. That’s why whenever drinking with a lady I always size her up to get an idea how much booze she can reasonably throw back without becoming a puddle. Puddles, by definition, being messy and hard to transport to the next bar—let alone my bed. But here’s something else I’ve learned: Porn stars throw a bit of a wrench into the equation. That’s because once you take into account such artificial additives as breast implants, collagen injections, tattoo ink, hair extensions, body piercings and fuck-me pumps, the average porn chick’s net body mass is at least 15 to 20 pounds less than her gross weight. So keep that in mind, because the line between her blowing you and her blowing chunks can be a thin one, my friend.
3 DON’T ASK ABOUT HER WORK
If she wants to talk about it, she’ll bring it up. And there’s a good chance she doesn’t want to talk about it. Because guess what everyone who meets her wants to know about? Don’t be just another one of the predictable masses. If you want to know what her work is like, Google it after you get home.
4 CHOOSE CAREFULLY
Believe it or not, not every porn star you meet is necessarily someone you’re going to want to hang out with. Like all professions, however, the people at the top of it are doing something noticeably different than the writhing faceless masses below them. For every poised, sophisticated Savanna Samson, there are 17,000 dim-witted, drug-addicted train wrecks. This latter group needs love and compassion, not a booze-fueled night on the town, followed by an attempt to recreate the therapy breakthrough scene in Deep Throat.
5 AVOID CHARLIE SHEEN AT ALL COSTS
Like a moth to a flame, that guy. But if you see him, run for the hills, because in all likelihood, that deviant bastard’s already fucked her, and who wants to go there? Plus, nothing kills the mood faster than Charlie Sheen, anyway.
The Imbiber is Dan Dunn, the country’s preeminent rockstar booze writer. His upcoming book, Living Loaded: A tale of sex, salvation and the pursuit of the never-ending happy hour, will be released by Random House in January 2011.
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