Ask TSJ: What’s the Best Way to End a Relationship?

breakupLife is hard. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help.

Each week, media sensation Tracy Pendergast and TSJ’s managing editor, Adam Tod Brown, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

This week’s question comes from Chris, a reader in Minneapolis…

I have been wanting to break up with my girl friend for two months now but I don’t know how. What’s the best way to get out of a relationship?

tracyTracy Pendergast: Chris, if you’re writing us because you want an easy way to get out of this, it’s not going to happen. Breaking up is never easy.

The worst thing you can do is continue to wait! I can guarantee you that she already knows something’s up, and you’re actually making it worse every day you don’t end it.

I would be lying if I said I haven’t been in your shoes. I too have pulled the classic asshole maneuvers. Picking fights, trying to create conflict and hoping that guys would just break up with me so I didn’t have to be the one to say anything. Going this route is going to be a long, painful road my friend. If she really loves you, she’s going to fight to make things better.

Based on your question, I can gather that she’s probably not a bad girl, just not the right one. Breaking up with someone is really hard when there isn’t really a reason other than there’s just something missing. You don’t have to be able to put your finger on what is wrong with the relationship to know that something just isn’t clicking. Don’t feel guilty for wanting to move on. You’re actually hurting her a lot more by staying in the relationship.

So this is what you need to do. You need to sit her down and be completely honest with her. Tell her she’s awesome, but it just doesn’t feel right for you. Relationships are all about growing as people, so give her the honesty she deserves. When you are done with this conversation you may feel a little shitty for hurting her, but you are going to feel so awesome and free for getting it off your chest. Godspeed my friend!

adamAdam Tod Brown: Admittedly, I’m not an expert in this area. Not only have I never broken up with someone or been broken up with, but I’m actually still dating everyone I’ve ever been involved with. It’s complicated.

But fear not, Chris, I’ve got you covered.

I took to the Googles and looked for some solutions to your problem. In the course of my research, I found a dawn-of-the-Internet looking site called that offers some spells you can cast to cause a breakup. Here’s what they’ve got to say:

Black Candle Separation Spell

  • Take a sheet of paper and write your lover’s name on one end their significant other’s name on the other end (I’m guessing that’s you).
  • Light a black candle and some separation incense. (I have no idea what separation incense are. Maybe patchouli will work.)
  • Tear the paper in half and burn the name of the undesirable partner (your girlfriend, maybe?) while chanting, “As this paper burns, so did their love, As this paper burns, so mote it be.”

That sounds perfectly reasonable to me. But if that’s too much work, there’s also this quickie:

  • Hold a picture of you and your girlfriend
  • Chant the following: “Great Lucifer of the double edged sword destroy this couple by my will as I burn this picture! Gargrellday astro, mastro!”

Or, if you’re not comfortable enlisting Satan’s help you could, you know, just be a man and tell her you want to breakup. Whichever you’re most comfortable with.

Adam Tod Brown is the managing editor of The Smoking Jacket. He would like to be your friend on Facebook and on Twitter @realadambrown.

Tracy Pendergast is a writer, model, singer, television personality and professional magician’s assistant. We might be lying about one of those facts. Check out her official website or follow her on Facebook to find out which one.

Got a question for Adam and Tracy? Click here and fire away. If we use it…your life will immediately improve for the better.