The Breast of the Breast Infomercials

Long before guys went crazy over the infomercial for the Shake Weight (which I’m pretty sure is a product to train women how to give tug jobs to robots), I was championing the sex appeal of these long-form commercials for years. The products are insignificant, but the ads are some of the most compelling and titilating content on TV. Even though many of these “impulse buy” products are targeted to women, I’m pretty sure these “nymphomercials” are aimed squarely at us. Think about it: They air in the middle of the night, they last about two minutes and they don’t show up as suspicious charges on your cable bill. So, if you find yourself in a real pinch (no internet, DVDs, phone service, imagination or even a Victoria’s Secret catalogue) and need a little “help,” here are some go-to goodies that are on good ‘ol basic TV.

1. Kush Support: Breast in Show

A pretty woman with huge boobs in frilly lingerie is tossing and turning in her bed, unable to sleep. She reaches into a little satin bag that she keeps conveniently by her pillow, and pulls out a phallic looking plastic rod. Then she slides the rod slowly between her luscious lady lumps, letting out a sigh of relief.

But wait…there’s more: They even call this thing “your nighttime companion.”

2. Wearable Towel: Breast way to Look Hot and Stupid Simultaneously

We can all relate with the difficulty of fastening a regular towel around a set of 34 DDs. This nymphomercial stars with a woman’s towel falling off, and only gets better from there. Part shower scene, part pool party, and part toga party, I may need to buy one of these to clean myself up.

But wait…there’s more: Implied threesome when the dude gets in the hot tub with two ladies. Very Roman.

3. Sticky Nips: Breast Choking Hazard

A woman with hard nipples gets noticed, and based on the “actresses,” this infomercial looks like it was shot inside of a walk-in freezer, in Fargo, in February. Turns out that Sticky Nipples are like little boob yarmulkes for women who have a hard time getting…uh…hard.

But wait…there’s more: Like beer, they come in light, medium, tan and deep. Also like beer, if you ingest too many of them you’ll probably get sick.

4. Booty Pop: Breast ASSests

Not a breast man? No problem. Watch woman shake their asses for two minutes straight, without having to hear the annoying hip-hop song that usually plays along. Booty Pop does for the ass what Sticky Nips (see above) did for tits. Women checking out their own asses (and each other’s) in front of a mirror is hot no matter how you slice it.

But wait…there’s more: The two-for-one deal gets the girls so excited they dance “ass” to “ass” in just their undies.

5. Cami Secret: Breast Peek-A-Boo

Although I am a firm believer that hiding God-given cleavage is a crime that should be punishable by lifetime confiscation of buttons, this nymphomercial gets away with it by playing off of the naughty girl vs. nice girl routine. Never mind the obvious workplace sexual harassment taking place; this “cleavage control” bra attachment shows that you can go from daddy’s good little girl to the office tease in under three seconds.

But wait…there’s more: Pretty sure if you are wearing one of these, your cleavage isn’t the only secret you’re keeping.

6. ???: Breast Reason to Learn Japanese

I have no idea what is actually being said in this international nymphomercial, but who cares? Watch Asian woman practice riding reverse cowgirl in just a sports bra: Olympic event 2016? Not sure what it is, what it costs, or why anybody would want to be raped by a piece of furniture, but I knows whats I likes.

But wait…there’s more: The guy in this ad is a little too happy, and may have voided the warranty at exactly :53 seconds in.

7. Secret Keeper: Breast Hiding Place

Bras are meant for holding two things; both of them are called boobs. But now with this “titty wallet,” women can always have a place to store their cash and hide their cocaine. As much as we love watching ladies remove things from their bras (you can see it 20 times in this spot), those “things” usually have nipples attached to them. The Secret Keeper is “for the woman on the go”… or the woman who just likes feeling herself up every time she needs a mint. I’ve only seen a woman reach into her bra for money twice in my life. One of them wore clear heels for a living, and the other one was saving up to buy clear heels.

But wait…there’s more: I’m still not sold on this idea, but on the bright side I think I’ve discovered a new way to cook a Hot Pocket.