Life is hard. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help.
Each week, media sensation Tracy Pendergast and TSJ’s managing editor, Adam Tod Brown, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s question comes from Jeff, a reader in Texas…
I met my girlfriend’s mom for the first time this weekend and she is literally 300 pounds!! Should I be scared? I am scared! Should I dump my girlfriend immediately?
Tracy Pendergast: Jeff, my first instinct is to say, “Yes, leave her” because she deserves better than you!! But, if I really sit back and think about the situation you’re in…I guess I can find a shred of understanding. I mean, it must have been a bit shocking. I’m sure you flashed forward to trying to carry her over the threshold, and poor little Jeff Jr. battling sleep apnea.
Listen, every family can’t be perfect. There are always going to be a couple family members that, how shall I say it…stand out. That is normal! Not everyone is perfect, and a lot of American’s struggle with obesity.
Then there are those other types of families, the families where EVERYONE stands out. The families chock full of wide set eyes or the clans that stand 10 feet tall. The thing about these types of families is there isn’t an amazing transformation where one day these people just start looking like each other. They literally come out of the womb looking like all the rest. You guys know what I’m talking about right? We all knew that 7 foot tall chick in middle school that came from a long line of husky, and was cursed with being born female. Nothing with her is ever going to change. What you see is what you get. If your girlfriend was from one of these families, you would know.
What I’m trying to say is, clearly, your girlfriend doesn’t already look like her mom, and it sounds like mommy is the only one who is over weight. Unless your girlfriend is living a horribly unhealthy lifestyle, it is very unlikely that she will morph into a 300 pound woman.
In the meantime, I would take a serious look in the mirror dude. If you’re willing to dump your girlfriend based on her mom’s looks- you better come from a long line of perfect (which I seriously doubt). What the hell do your parents look like? I bet one of them has a rotten tooth. I just get that vibe.
Adam Tod Brown: Well, dumping her immediately seems kind of harsh. Even if mom passed the Gigantor gene to her daughter, that doesn’t mean your girlfriend is going to pack on 200 pounds overnight. You should have plenty of “still hot” time to enjoy before all hell breaks loose.
In the meantime, there are a few things you can do. First of all, this is only going to be an issue if the two of you decide to get married at some point. If you’re contemplating dumping her because her mom looks like an extra from a “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” video, I’m assuming marriage isn’t on the table yet. If you’re a total jerkface, you can just stick around until the first signs of trouble (usually somewhere in the hips) develop and then break the hell out. But that’s kind of a douchy thing to do, yeah?
Instead, while you’re basking in the magic of a girlfriend you’re still able to sleep with without lifting anything out of the way first, evaluate all the pros and cons. Maybe you’ll find that you love her so much that you don’t care if she looks less like Kirstie Alley on Cheers and more like Kirstie Alley in her present incarnation. If it comes to that, count yourself lucky that you have some advance warning of the storm that’s brewing.
Now here’s how you fix it. Schedule an appointment with your doctor for a routine physical. When you get home, tell your lady that the doc has some unsettling news. You’ve got high cholesterol. Like “you’ll probably have a stroke in a week if you don’t do something soon” high. Tell her the news has shaken you to the core and you’re ready to turn over a healthy new leaf. Ask her to join you in your new lifestyle, because you love her and want her to be around forever. Feel free to leave out the part about how you want her to be around and skinny forever. That would just be crass.
On the flip side, if at some point you discover that she’s not the one you want to be with forever, fuck it, cut her loose now. You’ll be doing her a favor by not wasting her time anyway.
Tracy Pendergast is a writer, model, singer, television personality and former Navy Seal. We might be lying about one of those facts. Check out her official website or follow her on Facebook to find out which one.
Got a question for Adam and Tracy? Click here and fire away. If we use it…your life will immediately improve for the better.