Christmas shopping is already enough of a pain, but things get infinitely worse when you have to buy something for that person who has everything. Add extra hassle and stress if that person who has everything is also a staggering drunk who won’t hesitate to hurl your well thought out gift at your head if you disappoint them. Who among us hasn’t been down that holiday road?
Oh, that’s just us? Fine, we’re still finishing this article though. A lack of relevancy to your life has never stopped us from writing anything before, right?
Here are ten great gift ideas for the wealthy alcoholic on your Christmas list.
Ravenscroft Distiller Lead-Free Crystal Vodka Decanter
You won’t admit it publicly, but that drunken uncle of yours with the unsavory inappropriate touching habit always made you feel a little special when he cupped your junk in the mudroom while nobody was looking. After all, there were so many kids around, but he chose you!
First of all, that’s gross, get Dr. Phil on the horn and work that shit out, pronto. But in the meantime, class his highly illegal lifestyle up a bit by replacing that plastic traveler bottle he normally swigs his booze from with something a little fancier. This lead-free crystal decanter from Ravenscroft should do the trick. It’s hand made in Europe using only the finest lead-free crystal. And at just over $100, it’s far and away the most affordable thing on this list.
A.H. Hirsch Reserve Bourbon
At the Kentucky Derby, you can pick up a $1,000 mint julep served in a 24-carat gold-plated cup with a silver straw. Yeah, you could, if you were poor or something.
The drink is admittedly fancy; it features mint from Morocco, ice from the Arctic Circle and sugar from the South Pacific. But this isn’t a race to burn fossil fuels, this is a race to look ostentatious as fuck. And sadly, that $1,000 drink uses one of the state’s finest bourbons, which only clocks in at $75 a bottle. You might as well be drinking horse piss. Unlike champagne, bourbon doesn’t have to be made in Bourbon, Kentucky to earn its name.
Look outside Kentucky’s borders for the next level of pricy Southern drunk for your pricy Southern pals. Michter’s Distillery, located in Schaeffertown, Pennsylvania, produces the world’s most expensive bourbon at $300 a bottle. It’s a 16-year aging process to make the stuff—distilled in 1974, matured until 1990 and bottled. It’s also one of the few remaining bourbons made with the traditional Kentucky pot-still tradition. Have your butler teach you what that means and feel free to fly that in your friends’ faces as they sip their watered-down $1,000 juleps at the derby this year. You’ll be rolling in style, good friend.
BrewDog Roadkill Beer
But if your Extremely Rich And Powerful friends don’t like to put on airs, first off, you should reconsider just how rich your friends really are. And then, treat ‘em to this $600 Roadkill beer from Brewdog brewery. It’s 55% alcohol and served inside taxidermied rodents, making it the world’s strongest AND furriest beer. Where we come from, that’s called killing two squirrels with one stone.
Dom. Romane Conti 1997
Do you have a wine drinker to buy for this year? Are they a pretentious jerkface? Of course they are, they drink wine. That’s just below “martini, shaken, not stirred” on the highfalutin scale. So that box of chillable red that you normally dole out at Christmas time isn’t going to cut it.
Instead, opt for a bottle of Dom. Romane Conti 1997. At over $1,500 per bottle, it regularly tops most expensive wine lists, a fact you can share with the fancy pants recipient of your generosity. If they start spouting something about how those lists are skewed and a true wine connoisseur pays no attention to such things, feel free to bash them over the head with their gift. As you can see from the above photo, the bottle is definitely big enough to inflict the type of damage they deserve.
Ardbeg Double Barrel Single-cask Whiskey
Whiskey drinkers are a finicky lot. While the rest of us are more than happy to throw down on a fifth of Windsor Canadian and call it a blackout, these single malt showoffs concern themselves with things like “aging” and “barrels” and “common decency.”
This year, show them you know your shit by picking up a couple bottles of Ardberg Double Barrel single-cask whiskey. This incredible gift comes packaged in a beautiful bespoke leather gun case “crafted by a traditional guncase maker.” That’s an added bonus if we’ve ever heard of one! Who among us hasn’t longed for a convenient way to carry around our firearms after a long night of boozing?
To make this an even more attractive gift idea, only 250 of these beauties exist in the world. For a mere $16,000 one of them can be yours. Maybe give one to your boss as a subtle reminder that your knowledge of booze is second only to your knowledge of how to carry around weapons in a discreet manner. Now, how about that raise?
Dated 1940 Kentucky Derby Glass
If you go to the trouble of getting that expensive bourbon we mentioned awhile back, don’t you dare be seen drinking it from a Big Gulp cup. The derby produces a different etched-glass cup each year to serve some 80,000 mint juleps to the crowds in. A dated glass from 1940’s race is worth $16,750. Now that’s something to put all that Moroccan mint and Arctic ice in. Taste that? It’s the taste of success. (And musty, old glass. Nobody said success was supposed to taste good. It sure does feel it, though.)
Heidsieck & Co Monopole Champagne 1907
Who doesn’t like a nice flute of the bubbly on New Year’s Eve? Well, when the bubbly in question is run-of-the-mill Korbel and the who in question is a chief executive at Bank of America, that’s who. Serving that $10-a-bottle swill—as if your Extremely Rich And Powerful friends were mere plebeians—is below them. They deserve nothing but the rarest, chillest champagne in the finest glasses.
That’s why you should get your lazy ass off the couch and find one of these $35,000 Heidsieck & Co Monopole Champagne bottles stat. Specifically, their 1907 vintage. NOT 1906, NOT 1908. Why? Because their 1907 vintage could kick your ass. 2,000 bottles of the stuff were recovered from a World War II Swedish freighter that was torpedoed to the floor of the ocean by a German sub. Not only is this stuff aged to perfection, it spent its first few years of life at the ocean floor. That’s pretty damn chill. Take out a second mortgage! Your bourgeoisie friends deserve only the best.
Boston Cocktail Shaker
If the thought of shelling out a pittance-like $100 for a lead-free crystal vodka decanter makes you feel like a homeless person, then have we got the gift idea for you. This Boston Cocktail Shaker is made from silver, 18 karat gold and is encrusted with 480 brilliant-cut diamonds weighing 19.05 carats and has a price tag worthy of such luxuriousness. Clocking in at €35,000, a price so high we can’t even afford to look up the amount in US dollars, it will make you the star of this year’s office Secret Santa showdown.
Diamonds In Glass Champagne Flutes
“But I have so much money left over!” you’re thinking. SUCKS TO BE YOU. Solve that problem with this $96,000 champagne flute. Why is it $96,000? Just to fuck with you. Well, that, and it has an 8.1 carat diamond placed within the stem of the glass, and it’s plated with over 6 ounces of gold. But mostly just to fuck with you.
Diamond Sterling Tequila
What’s that? Only a hobo would give the gift of a champagne flute valued at tens of thousands of dollars, you say? Well maybe a bottle of Diamond Sterling Tequila is more to your liking. The creation of Fernando Altamirano, this 1.3 liter bottle is made from 2.380 kg of pure platinum, enough to make any Jesus piece wearing rapper froth at the mouth, and 4,100 brilliant-cut diamonds. Inside is a blend of three of the finest tequilas known to man. It’s alleged to be the best tasting tequila of all time, and at $3.5 million per bottle, it damn well better be.