Four Awesome Booze Bottles and One That Looks Like a Phallus

New Herradura Bottles

Went to a fancy shindig in Vegas recently where the good people of Tequila Herradura unveiled a sleeker, more angular bottle, replacing the old paper label with an elegant raised etching. I was duly impressed, and it got me thinking about other aesthetically pleasing packages on the market. Here then, some spirits for the style-conscious adult beverage lover:

Crystal Head Vodka ($50)


The brainchild of comedian and New Age disciple Dan Aykroyd, who distills his hooch through Herkimer diamonds that are believed to emit positive energy. The bottle design was inspired by a clear crystal skull unearthed beneath an altar in a Mayan Temple in the early 1900s, and it too is said to be teeming with the invigorating dynamism of a thousand Tony Robbinses. Supernatural-icousness aside, it’s a SKULL, man. A skull full of booze made by a Blues Brother. If you ask me, that’s positively badass.

Clase Azul Reposado Tequila ($100)

Clase Azul Reposado Tequila

This tasty tequila comes in handsome handmade talavera ceramic containers from Mexico, descendants of tin-glazed Italian majolica pottery dating back to the Renaissance. Ideal for Cadillac margaritas and/or lovely floral arrangements. Plus, as far as gifts go, this beats the hell out of the bottle of Cuervo Gold you gave your grandma last Christmas.

Willett Pot Still Reserve Bourbon ($50)

willet whiskey

The bourbon from Bardstown comes in a bottle modeled after the still it was made in. That’s pretty clever. Just imagine if the craze ever catches on. We could be drinking milk out of cow-shaped cartons, bottled water from plastic replicas of NYC kitchen sink spigots, and Smirnoff Ice in little glass containers shaped like some Polish dude’s ass.

Asombroso Tequila ($55)


If you look closely, you may notice that the package looks an awful lot like, uh, a package. This is my go-to first-date elixir, because I’ve found that nothing says, “let’s bang,” better than pounding hard liquor out of an engorged penis.

Blanton’s Single Barrel Bourbon ($45)

Blanton’s Single Barrel Bourbon

The grenade-shaped bottle is topped with a little metal racehorse and jockey. That’s, like, awesome. But don’t take my word for it. According to the publicist who sent me the free sample (bless her heart), Blanton’s was named one of the world’s coolest liquor bottles by Fox News. And if you can’t trust liquor-bearing PR people and Fox News, well, who the hell can you trust?

Dan’s forthcoming book “Living Loaded: Tales of Sex, Salvation and the Pursuit of the Never-Ending Happy Hour” is available for pre-order at Amazon, Borders and Barnes & Noble. Follow Dan on Twitter and Facebook, and hear him on The Imbiber Show podcast.

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