Finally, the day we’ve all been waiting for is almost here. Pro Bowl Sunday! Wait, we’re thinking of Super Bowl Sunday. Nobody waits for the Pro Bowl with the possible exception of the lucky wives, girlfriends and mistresses who get a free trip to Hawaii out of the ordeal. Other than that, nobody gives a damn about the Pro Bowl, especially the players who get to risk a heinous injury to play in a game that nobody on earth actually watches. That’s why so many of them don’t even bother showing up.
When you take into account the fact that representatives from the Super Bowl teams, in other words the best players in the league that year, don’t even play what you’re left with is one long, drawn out afternoon of boring. But what happens if by some cruel set of circumstances you find yourself actually having to watch the Pro Bowl? At the very least, make sure you have the necessary items on hand to make things as enjoyable as humanly possible.
Here are five essential purchases for enjoying Pro Bowl Sunday.
It’s a given that you’re going to want to have a bunch of booze on hand. Everyone knows alcohol makes any boring activity infinitely more enjoyable. Any hard liquor or beer will do the job. We just picked Malibu because the game is happening in Hawaii, which is the same thing as the Caribbean if you suck at geography. Pour it in some pineapple juice, put a fruity little umbrella in your glass and pretend that you’re watching the game from a tropical paradise instead of the beat-to-shit couch in your family room.
Buy it: Literally anywhere alcohol is sold
McReynold’s Farm Whole Roasting Pig
Why let the dreams of Hawaii end with cheap coconut flavored rum? You’re going to need some food to help wash away the awful stench of Pro Bowl boring also. Why not roast a goddamn pig? For less coin than you probably think, you can score a whole beast, already prepped for roasting, right online from McReynold’s Farms. They even sell all the tools you’ll need to set up a full on pig roast in your backyard. Your neighbors will either want to be your best friend or quiver in fear at the site of you hooking up a meal in the manliest fashion possible. You’re a winner regardless of the outcome.
Buy it: www.mcreynoldsfarms.com
K2 Freedom 50 State Legal Blend
What’s that? You don’t drink or eat the swine? Sucks to be you. Do you smoke? We’re legally prohibited from instructing you to purchase an actual bag of weed to help inject some excitement into the dreadful on field action. And the government recently pulled the plug on the synthetic cannaboid gold rush that briefly swept the nation in the form of products like Spice and K2.
But all is not lost in your quest to spend an afternoon just as you would if you were on vacation. The people at TopK2.com, who were kind enough to set us up with some samples of the “real” fake stuff for our K2 review pleasure a few months back, have introduced a new product. K2 Freedom is (for now) legal in all 50 states. Does it work as well as the Spice and K2 blends of days gone by? No idea, we haven’t tried it. But it’s got to be better than listening to Joe Buck whine his way through the Pro Bowl broadcast stone cold sober.
For the record, we have no idea if Joe Buck is actually doing the Pro Bowl broadcast, but we instantly associate the man with anything awful about sports, so we’re just assuming that he is. It could be the reincarnated voice of Howard Cosell for all we care, it still doesn’t mean we’ll be tuning in.
Buy it: www.topk2.com
More Than a Game: The Glorious Present and Uncertain Future of the NFL
We would normally shy away from recommending reading material while football is on, but this is the Pro Bowl we’re talking about. If ever there has been a better time to crack open a book while listening to the game in the background in the hope that some action worth watching actually breaks out, this is it.
Brian Billick, former Super Bowl winning head coach of the Baltimore Ravens, wrote this fascinating book a couple of years ago. If you haven’t read it yet, this Sunday is the perfect time to right that wrong. Over the course of a couple hundred enthralling pages, Billick breaks down all of the behind the scenes actions that go into building a winning franchise. He also touches on the bonehead moves that go into building, say, the Detroit Lions or Cincinnati Bengals.
Even the most devoted NFL fan will likely learn something they never knew about the inner workings of the greatest sport in all the land. He closes things out by detailing why the ongoing collective bargaining agreement and all-to-likely 2011 lockout could bring it all crashing down in flames. Depressing? Sure it is. But not nearly depressing as paying full attention to the Pro Bowl.
Buy it: www.barnesandnoble.com
Playboy Cover to Cover Portable Hard Drive
So books aren’t your thing, huh? Fine, how do you feel about magazines? More specifically, how do you feel about the thought of having every issue of Playboy from December of 1953 to December of 2009 right at your fingertips in one insanely compact digital hard drive? That’s exactly what’s waiting for you in the Playboy Cover to Cover archive. If you can’t get excited by the thought of that, you’re dead inside.
We gave a few of these away during our 12 Days of Giveaways blowout in December, but your losing ways don’t mean you can’t still get your hands on one. Pick one up, plug it into your laptop, cover it with a couch pillow or something and tell the wife you’re browsing player stats while watching the Pro Bowl. Hello, three hours of uninterrupted historic nudity viewing! Not to mention a lifetime’s worth of top notch articles and interviews.
And don’t let the $299 price tag throw you. The savings compared to over five decades worth of newsstand prices means you literally can’t afford not to buy the thing.
Buy it: www.playboyarchive.com
If none of these ideas manage to make watching the Pro Bowl seem like a good idea, first of all, we totally understand. Perhaps you should check back tomorrow when Playboy Radio’s Kevin Klein takes a look at a few acceptable bowl ideas to replace the Pro Bowl.