Recently, I skimmed an article on Nerve.com that had a bunch of facts and figures to support their argument of the Five Reasons We’re Having Better Sex Than Our Parents. As someone who shoots from the hip, it was all a little overwhelming. After skimming their article, the first thing I thought of was my parents having sex. Then I thought of your parents having sex. Then it was onto whether or not things were going better for me and for the generation I represent as a kind of sexual Nielsen ratings box. I think they are, but I also think I have five better reasons why we’re having better sex than our parents. (Plus five bonus reasons!)
First for reference, here are Nerve.com’s five reasons:
1) We have safer sex.
2) We don’t regret it.
3) We’re adventurous in bed.
4) We’re not insecure about sexual orientation.
5) We’re exposed to broader representations of sexuality.
Good stuff. Probably pretty true, but let’s explore my better reasons.
1 Improvements in razor and hair removal technology
What’s the first comment everyone makes when they catch their first glimpse of ’70s or ’80s pornography? It’s either, “That guy looks remarkably like a hedgehog” or, more likely, “Look at those bushes.” Hair was everywhere in the ’70s. There were no landing strips, no bikini or Brazilian waxes (except, maybe, in Brazil or at Sean Connery’s villa), and Dr. Evil hadn’t yet made it acceptable for men to have a completely shorn…err…coin purse. Over the past 20 years, the human race has developed increasingly amazing razor technology, first adding a third blade to razors, then a fourth, then a fifth. Our razors have all kinds of fancy moisturizers attached to them, and electrolysis techniques make it possible to rid yourself of hair for just a few years of credit card interest payments.
Why do it? Hair sweats and gets in the way. It’s awkward and unsexy, and no one really wants a mouthful of hair. It’s really the antithesis of having a great time in bed. Thanks to all these terrific new ways to go hairless, we’ve essentially evolved into fine-tuned human slip-and-slides. Add a little lubrication and it’s off to the races. Time will tell if advancements will continue, but is it wrong to dream of electrolysis on the go and seven-blade razors?
2 Internet Porn
Like electric cars and a non-Communist Russia, a few decades ago Internet porn was just a dream. Today it is pervasive and all-encompassing. And we’re all watching. When Internet porn stars portray politicians, they become mainstream celebrities. Internet porn can easily be streamed to a laptop, web-enabled TV, smartphone, etc. whenever and wherever porn is needed to spice up the moment–be it the bedroom or a bathroom stall at Wrigley Field.
Internet porn isn’t just for setting the romantic mood. It also serves as a pretty sweet how-to manual on achieving both the basic and more advanced sexual maneuvers. You know instantly when you meet someone who isn’t familiar with Internet porn because their repertoire is simply lacking. Luckily, in 2010, this is pretty few and far between. Still, porn can go even more mainstream. I look forward to one day giving coworkers and family members Brazzers and BangBros. gift cards without the awkward stares I got in 2009. You know? Why the dirty looks and muttering? I was just trying to help your sex lives, you Puritans.
3 Fake-ish Boobs
Let me quickly explain that I’m talking about any technologies that artificially enhance or shape the breast, including super advanced bras that project an altered reality, in terms of breast appearance. Yes, I am still referring to saline and silicone, but in today’s world, things like Victoria’s Very Sexy bra–which can transform any pair of breasts into something that anyone could reasonably assume were fake–were simply not available when our parents were getting it on. Silicone inserts and other tricks make “fake boobs” a much broader category. The visual stimulation that this gives to men is enormous. Let’s call this broader sub-category fake-ish boobs.
Fake-ish boobs can be a whole load of fun. Men are visually stimulated and, thus, scientifically speaking, fake-ish breasts are a definite sexual advancement. Are they a necessity? Not hardly, but let’s be real with ourselves. Also, there’s a def confidence boost that women seem to get from fake-ish boobs and other boob trickery and confidence is key, especially in the bedroom.
I’ll admit it. There was a time that I didn’t understand the whole camera phone craze. If I were a betting man, I’d have bet my house on camera phones failing and would currently be homeless. My perception of camera phones changed when one day I opened my phone to a new picture message that was simply a picture of my topless girlfriend. “There could be something here, ” I thought.
Sure, one might point to such horrifically embarrassing blunders where sexy picture messages and text messages caused folks lots of stress like Tiger Woods, Miley Cyrus, Rihanna, Ashton Kutcher, etc. Sure there’s danger, but what isn’t sexy about a little danger? The best part is that a good sext or two can turn things like a boring day at the office or a funeral of a distant relative into a great buildup to a crazy night in the sack. If anything, high-profile leaks of sexts have taught us that if you plan to sext you have to accept that one day your pictures might leak publicly and you better have a marketing/PR plan in place to spin the story when it happens.
5 Proclivity of Strip Clubs
It’s Friday night and you’re out for a night on the town and need a late-night destination. You’re no longer the social pariah when you suggest hopping in a cab and heading over to the Rusty Beaver for last call and a few lap dances. It’s 2010! Every housewife in America has the Kendra stripper pole on her Christmas list. Post-strip club sex is probably as close as I’ve ever come to the kind of cocaine-fueled sex parties that Robert Downey Jr. and Charlie Sheen have built entire careers on. A few hours of conversation, drinks, non-stop nudity, grinding, cheap body spray perfume, glitter, techno songs and strobe lights has an incredible effect on the human sex drive and the subsequent rush. A few hours in a strip club is on par with 10 years in solitary confinement at a maximum security prison–the result is purely animalistic bedroom adventures.
6 Bonus 5
Advancements in sex toy technology (they now have every shape, size and speed made of a myriad of materials), the thong (for a few decades now it has absolutely revolutionized the look of the butt), piercings (nothing is off limits, everyone is doing it), zero-calorie soda and 24-hour gyms (being physically fit is in and sexy) and tanning beds (this list isn’t about the best ways to avoid cancer, it’s about sex).