Life is hard. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help.
Each week, media sensation Tracy Pendergast and TSJ’s managing editor, Adam Tod Brown, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”
This week’s question comes from Jake, a reader in California…
“I’ve been dating this really awesome girl and I can honestly say I’m in love with her. She is so great, but all of her friends are guys. I trust her, but I don’t trust these guys and I feel like she needs to stop hanging out with them. Am I crazy?”
Tracy Pendergast: First of all, you are not crazy to feel the way you do. You obviously love your girlfriend and you realize that anyone with a brain would want to steal her from you.
This is a hard one because there is no easy answer. I am going to assume that these aren’t life long friends she’s had since childhood. If they are, get a grip and seek therapy.
I have had tons of guy friends in my life that I was devastated to give up for relationships. I would say that the majority of the male friends in my life were guys that I never hooked up with or was attracted to, but I am willing to believe that most friendships between men and women spring from one person having interest in the other, even if nothing ever comes of it.
This is such a hard situation to deal with because you risk coming off like a possessive, jealous freak. Don’t let that happen. Ultimatums don’t work with women, especially early on, so don’t make her choose between you and her friends. Putting her in a situation where she has to sneak around to see her friends is just creating an even worse problem. The good news is there will probably be a natural separation between her and her guy friends over time as your relationship becomes more serious. This will almost always be the case if you make sure you make yourself available to her when she wants to talk or when she needs a shoulder to cry on. Don’t give her an opportunity to run back to Team Eddie Cibrian for comfort.
Let me tell you the turning point in my life. I fell in love with a guy who had a lot of girl friends. It was horrifying. Literally scared the shit out of me. Of course I never let on because I am a strong, confident woman (I killed every last one of them) but over time they phased out because I was fulfilling all of his needs, as a girlfriend and a friend.
Jake, the best thing I can suggest to you is patience. You certainly can’t tell people who they can be friends with, you can only hope that as your relationship progresses, these guys will be left behind.
Adam Tod Brown: Make no mistake, this is bad, Jake. Really bad. I don’t know your girlfriend (or do I?) so I can’t really comment on her side of things. But I am a guy, no matter what the tickets I bought to see Katy Perry in September may imply, so I think I’m pretty well qualified to speak on the subject.
But you don’t need me to tell you, because you already know…guys don’t hang out with women just for the hell of it. There are always exceptions, of course, but even then the guy will make a move if the opportunity presents itself. Women will swear up and down that this is not the case. Women are wrong. So wrong.
But you already know this. That’s why you’re concerned. And that’s why you’ve come to us. Don’t fret, Jake, I’ve got you covered.
Now, you can’t just tell your girlfriend that she can’t hang out with these guy friends. That’s going to look six shades of wrong. She’ll just think you don’t trust her or are insecure or whatever. That’s no good.
Instead, I’m going to recommend the same course of action that I did back when the question of bitchy girlfriends came up. Infiltrate the circle of friends and destroy from within.
But it’s slightly different this time. With the girlfriends I was just suggesting that you neutralize their catty ways. That’s not going to do the trick here. You need to be focused on full on destruction here. Annihilation. Show no mercy. Take no prisoners. Party like it’s 2012. All of that shit.
First, ask if you can meet these guy friends. If there’s nothing suspect going on, that certainly shouldn’t be a problem. When the meeting happens, keep your sex rage in check and do whatever you must to get in good with these guy friends. Your goal is to set up some hangout time with them away from your girlfriend. If that means you have to pretend to be into hockey or something awful like that, it’s just what you have to do.
With your man dates set up, take a double fisted approach to the problem. First, make sure you persuade these guy friends into doing as much debauched shit as you can think of. Don’t hide it from your girlfriend after the fact. Share your tales of drunken excess with her and make sure to mention how much fun you had. Tell her you can’t WAIT to see those guys again! Not only will this make her want to keep you from hanging out with them again, it should drastically change her opinion of those guy friends.
If it doesn’t, plant some seeds. Mention how her beloved friend Biff (or whatever his asshole name is) is a total jerk to waitresses and bad mouths his girlfriend when she’s not around. It’s a strict violation of guy code to do this kind of stuff, but you can’t be worried about that right now. Show no mercy!
With a little deception, you should be able to shake those guy friends loose with no problem.
Tracy Pendergast is a writer, model, singer, television personality and former Navy Seal. We might be lying about one of those facts. Check out her official website or follow her on Facebook to find out which one.
Got a question for Adam and Tracy? Click here and fire away. If we use it…your life will immediately improve for the better.