Couples Spa Dates: Charming or Gay?

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Life is hard. It seems like every new day brings a new question that, try as you might, you’re just unable to find an answer for. The Smoking Jacket understands this, and we’re here to help.

Each week, media sensation Tracy Pendergast and TSJ’s managing editor, Adam Tod Brown, set aside some time in their busy schedules to answer your questions in a feature we’ve cleverly named “Ask TSJ.”

We didn’t have any reader questions to start with, so we asked around the office and came up with this…

“I’m thinking of taking my girlfriend on a couples spa date. My sister says that’s charming. My best friend says that’s gay. What do you say?”

tracyTracy Pendergast: I think buying your girlfriend a day at the spa is beyond romantic and thoughtful. I think that adding yourself into the equation is creepy.

I say this speaking from past experience.

My ex-boyfriend was very special needs. Not short bus and gold medals for all participants special needs. More like eyebrow waxing and weekly manicures and pedicures special needs. There was ONE upside to this situation — usually when he went to the spa to have his womanly needs tended to, I went with him and he would pick up the tab. I obviously did not need him to pay and I didn’t stay with him for the foot scrubs — but there was something nice about never having to apologize for pampering myself.

Now here’s the problem — he had eyebrows like the Joker and he would get upset over raw cuticles. Seeing him with swollen red eyebrows while knee deep in soapy water definitely ruined the attraction for me. There is no doubt that women like their men clean, but we also want them to be MEN. There is nothing more unappealing to me than a man who shaves his chest or waxes his eyebrows. Keeping yourself groomed is a great thing — but don’t get rid of those sexy things that make a dude a dude!

chainsawLike chainsaws, for example

The reason most women go to the spa is to wind down. It’s a place to relax and forget about what’s going on around you. If you start carting in boyfriends, friends and family — what’s the point?

Now let me be clear — I definitely think that men deserve a day at the spa too. You guys work hard! There are many acceptable services for men at a spa, like a facial, massage or professional shave. You might feel more comfortable going with your girlfriend because deep down you realize it’s a little Ryan Seacrest of you — but there are a lot of men’s spas out there where you’ll be in good company. A great place in NY, where I live, is Nikel Day Spa. The great thing is, all of the products are for men, so you’ll come home smelling like a man! Grrrrrr!!!!!

The one exception to this rule is the couple’s massage, but this comes with its own rule. A couple’s massage is not a good gift for a birthday or Christmas — occasions where the gift is supposed to be for “her.” Give the couples massage for a mutual occasion like an anniversary or Valentine’s Day.

adamAdam Tod Brown: I’m probably not the right person to ask about what kind of gifts women enjoy because, well, I’m not a woman, no matter what the fact that I’ve seen “A Walk to Remember” four times may imply. And Tracy covered it pretty well anyway. If it’s an occasion that calls for a “couples” gift, it should be fine. Otherwise, steer clear.

So let’s talk about going to the spa.

You probably think I’m going to say that a dude going to a spa is gay, and you’re right, I am saying that. But that doesn’t mean I think it’s a completely horrible idea.

Women talk a great game about how what they really look for in a man is personality and a great sense of humor. That sounds wonderful on paper. But I promise you I’m 150% funnier than The Situation, but that guy’s probably slept with more women than I’ve even met. A sense of humor can definitely work to your advantage eventually, but you can’t just walk in a club and lift up your shirt to reveal the brilliant joke you just wrote and expect to take someone home. A nice set of abs work way better for that.

Having a ton of money is a nice equalizer also. If you don’t believe that, try explaining this…

donald trump with wife“You’re poor!”

But we don’t all get to be rich, unfortunately. So if you’re an unfunny, borderline retarded, unemployed loser — by all means, hit the gym. Once you have the abs of an underwear model, follow it up by hitting the spa and getting all exfoliated and shit. Get those eyebrows shaped up. Get a ridiculous tan. Do whatever those pretty-boy types do to look as shiny as they do. Maybe a coat of lacquer or something, I don’t know. I just know those motherfuckers reflect a whole lot of sunlight that us pasty-yet-full-of-personality types don’t.

Pulling women based solely on your looks probably isn’t as emotionally satisfying as doing it the hard way like the rest of us do, but if you’re worrying about that, you should probably be hitting on men anyway.

So, to summarize, if you can attract women using your bank account or abundant sense of humor, do that and leave the mani-pedis to the ladies. But if looks are all you have going for you, don’t half-ass it. Call the nearest spa and book an appointment right now.

Adam Tod Brown is the managing editor of The Smoking Jacket. He would like to be your friend on Facebook and Twitter.

Tracy Pendergast is a writer, model, singer, television personality and former Soul Train dancer. We might be lying about one of those facts. Check out her official website or follow her on Twitter to find out which one.

Got a question for Adam and Tracy? Click here and fire away. If we use it…your life will immediately improve for the better.