Bottle Pirates: Nighttime’s Most Dangerous Villains

Hot Girls at the Bar

Bottle Pirates—breeds of women who have been draining men’s booze for years, bouncing from city to city, table to table, Grey Goose to Red Bull. In these tough economic times, it is important to be able to identify the many different types of Bottle Pirates one might encounter in the uncharted nightlife seas. Not all women out at bars are in search of your bottle, but here are the 11 most common types of Bottle Pirates to keep an eye out for.

1: Captain Hooker

Captain Hook LogoDon’t be fooled by the flirting, dirty dancing and constant giggling at your lame jokes; the only way you’ll be getting any from a Captain Hooker is by stopping at the ATM on your way home from the club. This industrious breed of Bottle Pirates can travel in groups or “work” solo. Captain Hookers can be found around the world, but seem to flock to Las Vegas, Atlantic City, Los Angeles and Craigslist.

2: Table Wench

Bar PeopleSometimes your server can be the biggest Bottle Pirate of all. An anonymous Table Wench told us, “I used to work in a very popular club in NYC, where we were instructed to ask our big spenders [suckers] for a glass of champagne, after popping a bottle of Dom. Then we would go back to the kitchen and pour it out before returning for a refill. Before the night was done, we could tack on at least two or three more bottles to the tab.” The Table Wench appears to be on your team, but just like that mandatory 25 percent gratuity, she’s an unwelcome end-of-the-night surprise.

3: Treasure Hunters

Funny Booze StoriesThe Treasure Hunters—girls who drink with you just trying to figure out your net worth, avoiding guys who have cheaper bottles on the table. Treasure Hunters can be easily fooled into thinking you’re rich in the beginning, but usually put it all together when you leave the club in your ’99 Isuzu Amigo.

4: Scally Hag

Funny Alcohol StoriesThe cougar of Bottle Pirates, the Scally Hag has been in rough seas for a long time. Scally Hags like to hang at hotel bars/clubs (and usually travel in packs) but may venture out in a quest for eternal youth. They like the finer things in life—like fine wine, expensive glasses of champagne and Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds perfume.

5: Jolly Rogers

Guys at the BarYes, guys can be Bottle Pirates, too. A Jolly Roger is a guy who is always happy and very chatty (probably because he’s draining your drinks). He hangs at your table so comfortably that everyone just assumes that he’s friends with someone else at the table. The biggest problem with Jolly Roger Bottle Pirates? They have a big thirst and a small bank roll. How do I know this? I’m a recovering Jolly Roger myself.

6: Land Ho!

Alcohol ThievesA Land Ho! is a traveler, going from table to table constantly looking to discover new groups to swipe drinks from. They are easy to identify, as they will usually show up to your table with a drink already in hand. Some clubs use different glassware at the tables than at the bar, so be on the lookout for familiar-looking cups and avoid refilling them.

7: Captain Jackoff Sparrow

Cheap Bar PeopleFar too often, tables are placed very close together at nightclubs. Even worse, clubs will sometimes place two groups of people at the same table (separated by only a bucket of ice). Captain Jackoff Sparrows are the juiced-up guys spilling themselves—and their hair gel—into your space. They are easily “confused,” leading them to “accidentally” pour themselves drinks from your bottle, or crush your cans of red bull on their heads in caveman-like fashion.

8: Black Beard

Black Beard GirlsSo you invite some good-looking girls to your table. Cool, right? Next thing you know, you have two cute girls and their friends Paul, Chet, Derek, Joe, Steve, Joey, Ralph and Mike all enjoying your bottle of Kettle One. The Black Beard girls are usually very comfortable around guys, which is why they’re tagging along with 20 dudes instead of a gaggle of girls.

9: Penny-less Pillagers

Cheap GirlsThey come out with zero cash, no credit cards and not even so much as cab fare. Nothing like a girl drinking on your tab all night, then asking for $15 to get home or pay the valet. Why have a purse with nothing in it? I wouldn’t go out with my wallet only full of Chapstick and gum.

10: Bottle Buccaneers

Bar StoriesIf you only ordered two bottles of vodka, then why does your bill include 10 cans of sugar-free Red Bull, a round of fruity drinks, a bottle of champagne and bottles of water? Blame the Bottle Buccaneers. They hang around just long enough to fool your server into thinking they’re authorized to add to your tab. If you see something fishy on your table (like a round of Sex and the City shots), then you’ve been the victim of a Bottle Buccaneer.

11: Bottle Pirates of The Carribean

Cheap Bar PeopleThese are locals who live in popular vacation destinations and suckle on the tourist teet. Heading down to Cabo with the boys? Watch out for the overly tan girls who seem to be friends (or cousins) with your server. They have home field advantage, a high tolerance for tequila and probably a husband at home with 17 kids.

Secondhand Smoke is a weekly column by Playboy Radio Morning Show host Kevin M. Klein. Follow Kevin on Twitter.
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