In a perfect world, Thanksgiving is a time to see family members, spike the Pilgrim Punch with Everclear and project an aura of ungratefulness. Things never go according to plan, though. Just like other holidays you may be familiar with—Christmas, Flag Day and 4/20—unwelcome events frequently occur during some portion of the festivities. In fact, if any of the following five sentences are uttered on the last Thursday of November, consider your day of thanks at least partially ruined.
“We only have dark meat left”
There’s really never a good time for dark meat, but it’s especially abysmal on the holiest day of mass turkey consumption. This stuff should be immediately thrown into the trash for the homeless to fight over.
We have never met any person that prefers their poultry with a little more soul. According to TSJ’s most trusted source on any topic ever, Wikipedia, the darker color is due to a chemical compound called myoglobin. No clue what that is, but it tastes like asshole. When we’re next in line at the dinner buffet, the turkey slices better be whiter than a Tea Party rally.
“The old guy fell and he can’t get up”
All across this great country of ours, people are planning Thanksgiving day football games. Ideally, these are competitive events with teams made up of able-bodied men between the ages of 18 and 40.
The problem is that there are always guys 20 to 30 years past their prime who insist they can make an impact on the defensive line because for the last two months they’ve been walking three nights a week.
We all know how this story ends. The quarterback rolls out of the pocket to buy some time for his receivers down field, and great uncle Harry trips just as he’s a mere seven steps away from a sack.
“Let’s go around the table and say what we’re thankful for”
This one is a personal preference, so if you’re into the sentimental crap, please move along and never show your face around these parts again.
Three reasons why we don’t want to hear this: it delays eating for at least 10 minutes, you end up having to make something up about your uneventful existence, and someone you barely know divulges graphic details about their medical history just as you were about to dive into a plate full of stuffing.
“Try one of grandma’s cookies”
With a few exceptions, the general rule is that old people’s cooking skills deteriorate significantly with time. If this isn’t a scientific fact, it fucking should be.
Is it because they can’t read the recipes anymore? Or perhaps they get confused about ingredients?
Whatever the case, it would take way more milk than we’ve ever consumed in one sitting to wash down these ridiculously bland muffins.
“We have to go to another dinner”
It’s great being single on Thanksgiving. Why? Because you won’t be hearing your girlfriend says these words at some point during the evening.
There’s nothing worse than attending two family gatherings on the same day, especially if one of them isn’t your official family yet.
Just leave us in peace in the basement so we can lie down and watch TV with our own flesh and blood.