Young, loose, hippie liberals get all the credit for sexual revolutions. In fact, a lot of progression in the field of recreational whoopie-making has come thanks to the efforts of uptight, stodgy scientists. Here are 5 key developments in boinking made thanks to the scientific method, none of which would make a decent porno.
1. The First G-Spot was Found on a Corpse
Scientists in the 1600s had nothing better to do than sit around and speculate about sex. After all, it wasn’t that long after people injected mercury into their urethra for gonorrhea, drank ground-up beaver testicles to not get pregnant, and whacked their spouses because they wouldn’t conceive a son (we’re not naming any names, but…)
So it was only natural that scientists would want to instill some order into the wacky universe of sexual education. Sure, they could go pick up loose woman after loose woman, investigating the sexual parts of each in painstaking detail until the morning light. Or, actually, maybe they couldn’t… did people even have sex way back then? Either way, our point is obvious: Corpses. Scientists would examine corpses to learn about the human sexual anatomy.
Old-timey scientists hard at work.
A dutch physician was feeling up corpses, for science or course, when he discovered a batch of nerves that deflated upon death. Working in a laboratory 300 years later gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg, discovered that the spot could be used to help women achieve seriously monstrous orgasms. Thus the Gräfenberg spot, or “G-Spot” for short, was found.
2. Masters & Johnson Holds Giant Key Party
It’s hard to know exactly what was going on in the 1960s, as all records from that era were used to roll up giant doobies. But from what we can tell, it was totally cool to just boink strangers completely at random. Not only does this explain our lineage, but also an excessively sexy series of studies conducted by Masters and Johnson.
Masters & Johnson pioneered modern sexual research, now more commonly referred to as “sexology.” Before this dynamic duo, things were so remedial in terms of sexual knowledge that people couldn’t even agree about whether or not most guys could ejaculate multiple times in a short span of a few minutes. To fix this dearth of general knowledge, Masters and Johnson got strangers together, paired them up randomly, then observed them having sex while covering them with all sorts of creepy wiring.
Picture someone on top of Frankenstein, and it’s how we see this experiment
This pretty shocking test discovered lots of things. It defined multiple orgasms, and found that most women were capable of achieving them. We are shocked that most women could achieve orgasm by having sex with a stranger with a bunch of electrodes on their junk… we’ll have to try that, sometime. Also, the studies found that really old people could still be sexually active, which probably wasn’t as fun to observe as the other stuff.
3. Erection Strength Meter
For being the founder of modern psychology, Freud had a lot of weird-ass views on sexuality. For instance, he pretty much thought every time you dream about a vase, it’s really you wanting to sex your own mother. At least, we think that’s right, nobody really pays attention in psych class, anyway.
But, one area where Freud was progressive, rather than alternative, was the field of identifying homosexual response. Freud firmly believed the homosexuality was a biological response, rather than a spur-of-the-moment choice after a few drinks. So, being a freaky-deaky scientist, he began building devices that measured to see if the penis was getting aroused. That way, by showing a subject images of hot sexy women and men, Freud could show that gender-based arousal was a not a matter of choice. It’s kind of like a reverse Clockwork Orange, if you will.
Which is why we get an erection every time we hear classical music, by the way.
Today, the field of sexology has overlapped with criminology. Hoping to stop child-touching pervs, law enforcement officials and scientists are hard at work trying to figure out ways to predict when people will get nasty. A 1998 study of sex offenders (perhaps conducted in Penn State’s locker room) found that getting a chub when seeing a picture of a child was the number one most accurate predictor of whether they would commit another sex crime.
4. The Pill
As early as 1930, scientists well aware of the ability to stop ovulation with high doses of certain hormones. However, getting the animal extracts needed for study meant talking to a bunch of Europeans, the kind who like to extract juices from animals, nonetheless. So work stalled out for a while until an astute researcher found that he could make the needed extracts from plants. From there, it took two decades of laboratory testing to finally come up with a safe, reliable pill. In 1960, the first modern progesterone birth control hit the market, and millions of people worldwide simultaneously shouted, “so this is what it’s supposed to feel like!”
We can only assume science spent the next 5 years making birth control more dangerous
It took a while for birth control pills to gain worldwide acceptance. Canada legalized the pill almost ten years after it was readily available in the United States. Then again, Canada does have tons more beaver balls to grind up and drink.
5. German Find Way to Measure Pleasure and Pain
Of course, a German scientist would devote their life to shocking erogenous zones to measure pain. We don’t mean to stereotype Germans, but it’s like the Berlin Wall was a dam holding back a tide of domination porn. Wilhelm Reich was a German pioneer into the field of response and human sexuality.
By attaching electrodes to people’s crotches, Reich discovered that there was a general sliding scale of how much pleasure or pain a person experiences. This laid the foundation that still permeates today, from Masters and Johnson studies to a nurse asking their patient to “rate the pain on a scale of 1 to 10.”
In fact, Reich could have gone on to be the biggest pioneer of modern human sexuality, if not for one limiting factor.
He was batshit insane.
Reich sorta believed that there was a karmic energy flowing through us. Not in the hippie-dippy kind of way, but in the “I’ve isolated this energy under a microscope, and it’s blue” kind of way. He also insisted his psychotherapy patients strip to their undies and sit right next to Reich. Hey, the guy used to run with Freud, so we’re lucky modern sexology isn’t based on how big of a cigar one can fit in their mouth.
What will be the next big scientific discovery that revolutionizes the way we view sex? We can only imagine that there are scientists hard at work stimulating every orifice with every possible chemical in the hope that some combination will lead to sexual bliss. But, who are we kidding, the entire field of sex research is always tied up making penis pills.
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