Male friendships evolve over time, sometimes meandering into disturbing levels of companionship—the guy that started out as a game-watching acquaintance becomes your long-lost, non-romantic soul mate. Here are 10 non-recommended one-on-one activities that clearly indicate your bromance may be sending the wrong signals to society (not that there’s anything wrong with that).
SEEING A MUSICAL
It doesn’t matter how badly you want to experience the sights and sounds of Rent—it’s not worth it the moment your elbows touch on an armrest in the middle of yet another tear-jerking love ballad. Also, we’re not sure how the other people in the audience feel about your accidental (yeah, right) game of grab-ass during intermission.
If your behavior and wardrobe at a neighborhood ice rink resembles a men’s figure skating competition, you may want to rethink getting dressed up, holding hands and executing triple Salchows. If you’re outside rollerblading, the warning signs start when you’re putting on each other’s matching gear and backpacks. That padding doesn’t go there, bro!
ATTENDING A WOMEN’S SPORTING EVENT
If you’ve ever been to one, you’ve probably noticed that everyone in the crowd is either a family member of a player, a lesbian, or part of a father/daughter combo. These surroundings are not the best of environments for you and a friend to participate in manly rituals such as getting drunk, hitting on girls and yelling at referees. You can certainly fit in with other couples by wearing tie-dyed shirts or participating in any form of the wave.
We’re all well aware that you and your friend bizarrely know every word to Lady GaGa’s “Poker Face.” We also know that you both will be concluding the evening alone (or together?) after passionately reciting in unison “Cause I’m not bluffin’ with my muffin.” Let the pop goddesses handle the uncomfortable sexual innuendos.
RIDING A SCOOTER
You never know when your future wife, girlfriend or hookup will be walking down the street, so the last thing you want these women seeing is you sitting bitch on your boy’s scooter, clutching onto his ass for dear life while you plow through city blocks at a blistering 32 mph.
If you can’t go one night without seeing your bro’s face, there may be some more serious issues here. We know that today’s technology makes it easy to get anybody’s ugly mug on a computer or cell phone screen, but don’t worry, you’ll survive a few days without seeing his new facial hair.
SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES
Mens clothes shopping should be a solo mission—grab whatever you need, take cover and get the hell out of there. Nobody in the store wants to hear you two bickering in adjacent dressing rooms about the feasibility of wearing a v-neck sweater to a catered affair.
EATING LETTUCE WRAPS
Hamburger. Steak. Chicken. These are the foods that meatheads like you should be consuming regularly. None of the above should ever be eaten inside a piece of lettuce, especially while you’re enjoying a bromantic meal at a fancy establishment.
You guys shouldn’t be getting dessert together, no matter how sweet and yummy that large sundae may appear in the Baskin Robbins window. Nothing says loneliness and desperation like the sight of a bromance emerging in the corner booth at Dairy Queen. If you’re really that fat and can’t make it home before indulging in sugary goodness, keep some Twinkies in your front pants pocket for emergency situations.
USING THE SHAKE WEIGHT AND SIMILAR ACTIVITIES
Working out together? Fine. Sharing the magical Shake Weight? Unacceptable. You also shouldn’t be mimicking the exercise device’s hand motions in the general vicinity of your bro. These habits are designed for the privacy of one’s own bedroom, bathroom, outhouse, kitchen, dining room, living room, family room, laundry room and attic.