It’s reasonable to think that cell phones would survive the immediate aftermath of the zombie apocalypse. We’ll call “immediate aftermath” one week. Suspend disbelief with us and assume all cell sites and wireless networks wouldn’t dissolve simultaneously, because it’s an apocalypse brought on by zombies, and zombies aren’t smart. It’s not like they’re going to make a plan to knock out the national electric grid.
We’re guesstimating that leaves the average user with a window of about one week to get what they can out of their cells before the stone-age hits. What can post-apocalypse survivors get out of cell phones? Same thing they got pre-apocalypse—apps, baby. Useful apps that could possibly mean the difference between life and horrible, eviscerating death.
Here are seven apps that might come in handy for the zombie apocalypse survivor.
Military Avoidance Capture
Buy It Here: www.appbrain.com
Some of the features this apps provides—counter-surveillance tips, considerations if captured—are probably useless in dealing with the brainless, witless undead. But there’s still a bunch of tactical and strategic info that could upgrade your chances of survival from “token black guy in a horror movie” to “slutty hot girl in a horror movie.”
Tools like evasion aids, isolated soldier guidance and rally point planning give you an idea of what a badass would do in your situation. Learn what you can from it before power runs out and you up and take to the streets in search of survivors. Maybe it’ll make you feel a little less like a pitiful survivor and more like Woody Harrelson in Zombieland.
Air Pollution Detector
Buy It Here: www.sciencedaily.com
If this is an old-school zombie apocalypse we’re talking about, there’s a good chance some kind of radioactive disaster was involved. Either a) the disaster resurrected the already dead, or b) it turned the living into the (un)dead. Either way, more bad news for you, because that level of radiation and pollution doesn’t just go away overnight.
Referred to as “Visibility,” the air pollution detector app works by having you take a picture of the sky while the sun is shining so it can compare the picture to other established models of sky luminance and estimate visibility. The level of visibility, naturally, is directly correlated to the amount of harmful substances in the air. You’re gonna want this app to know if you need to leave your little hiding spot and head for greener pastures because your little hiding spot is Chernobyl circa 1986.
Gas Station Finder
Buy It Here: www.macworld.com
Finding a working automobile is a top post-apocalypse priority. Whether it’s getting to the coast to find more people to rebuild society, heading south for warmer climates, or crossing the country to see if your parents were smart enough to stay inside, you need a vehicle.
Otherwise from the get-go you’re just Viggo Mortensen in The Road—humping concrete all day, every day, mile after mile, pushing a shopping cart and hoping you look enough like a zombie after one week that a real zombie wouldn’t even bother you if you did walk up on one. The gas station finder app might save you some desperate guesswork if you’re running on E.
Buy It Here: itunes.apple.com
Time and time again, we’ve seen that zombies are city-dwellers. They don’t like the woods. Not enough talking heads to gnaw on in those woods. It makes sense for you, if you can, to pack up and head for the great outdoors once the shit hits the fan if you have no reason to go anywhere else—like in search of family or some such.
But do you know how to trap a squirrel? Start a fire that lasts more than 20 seconds? Differentiate between the bug that’s replete with protein and the bug that will bury its progeny inside your skin? Wipe your ass without getting the worst rash of all time? Now you do—at least for a while—thanks to the Wilderness Survival app, which catches you up on however many years of Boy Scout training you would’ve received if you hadn’t insisted that Boy Scouts was for pussies back when you were seven.
Buy It Here: www.pepid.com
There’s a chance that you might get lucky on your way to wherever and come across a former Johns Hopkins M.D. undergrad to be a part of your survivor caravan who will be there when you start choking on a dead rat. But if you don’t, fear not.
Intended as a digital medical history of a patient for physicians to reference, the PEPID app comes with some especially handy features like symptom checker and organ illustration—symptom checker so you have an idea of what to scrounge for next time you come across a hospital or pharmacy to take care of that mysterious swelling, and organ illustration if you need to perform some kind of medieval impromptu surgery on a guy whose appendix just burst.
Buy It Here: www.t2health.org
It’s not just physical health you have to monitor in the immediate zombie apocalypse aftermath. Imagine knowing that all your friends and family are probably either dead or now want to feast on you. And there’s no TV, anymore. And Xbox live is down interminably! What’re you going to do in your try-not-to-get-eaten downtime? Read a book?
While mood tracker can’t help you with that, it can help you get a grip on the fact that society just went down the crapper. Released by the military to help GIs cope with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, the mood tracker app helps you monitor and quantify feelings like anxiety and loneliness. So…at least you’ll know definitively that you do, in fact, feel like shit.
Buy It Here: www.appbank.net
What’s the first rule of surviving a zombie apocalypse? No romantic attachments. Duh. You don’t want to risk any hesitation about blowing a zombie’s head off because only five minutes ago it was ready to give you a hummer. Also, it behooves us to presume a dystopian world would be bereft of usable vagina, anyway.
Zombies, unfortunately, have an indiscriminate pallet. If Megan Fox and Ben Savage are running side-by-side from a zombie horde, you best believe the zombies are taking Megan Fox down if she can’t outrun Boy Meets World. Naturally, this is where porn apps come into play. What’s the difference between Puff! and every other perverted app? It’s interactive, see. You have to blow into the screen to complete the experience and make the Japanese girl’s skirt go up (watch this video to see it in action). A zombie apocalypse is no time to be getting puritanical, Father Flanagan.