Bargument: Your Highness vs. The Princess Bride

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After hosting this year’s Oscars, the rep of Mr. Franco went kinda stank-O. Here’s hoping his latest effort, the bro comedy spoof of dark-aged quests and rom-coms, Your Highness, is worth a look. There are a precious few period comedies, most of which can be attributed to Monty Python or Mel Brooks. And then there’s the crown jewel of the fairy tale sub-genre, The Princess Bride. A romantic tale told by a grandfather as seen through a boy’s eyes and replete with enough guy humor to keep the femme-fetching fable afloat.

The perfect marriage between hilarity and the time-honored storybook ending, any movie-maker worth their salt will start here for the blueprint to subsequent attempts. Throw in an Oscar-nominated lead with an Oscar-winner in a supporting role and you have to ask, “Will Your Highness topple the Princess’ crown?” Chug some mead, have Jeeves pour some Royal Assassins and read on as we clamor to rescue the damsel in distress.

Occupation

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• A quest to save the princess from an evil warlock and entertain a target demo with a maturity level of an 18 to 24-year-old using toilet humor, nudity and a startling array of male genitalia

• A quest to save his true love from an evil king and entertain all audiences with acerbic wit, comedic timing and awkward pauses

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Princess Bride. Who can argue with true love? Well, it could be argued that Your Highness was also a quest for true love, but love was not truly ever established between any of the characters except the brothers. So, unless you’re all about some man-lovin’, you’re on team Buttercup.

Memorable Quotes

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• I am about to get properly fucked up, if nobody has any objections; I was just about to finish thinking of you!; Just punch the tip and twist it; The fuckening has begun!; If your vagina is anything like my hand, there will be no problem.

• My Wesley will come for me; As you wish; INCONCEIVABLE; You use that word a lot, I do not think it means what you think it means; Have fun storming the castle!; Never mess with a Sicilian when there’s DEATH on the line!; You’ve heard of Plato, Aristotle? …Morons!; Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, 20 years ago you killed my father… prepare to die!

Advantage_BullseyeWide

Princess Bride. Anybody can have a potty mouth, and in a world where we’re forbidden from incessant usage except in times of strife, cussing a blue streak can seem refreshingly honest. By that reasoning, passing wind would also be considered honest—though in no way is it refreshing. Conversely, if you can make several generations chant what would otherwise be considered a nonsensical non-sequitor in regular conversation, you’ve truly accomplished something.

Sex Appeal

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• Natalie Portman, Zooey Deschanel, and a whole host of topless ladies

• Robin Wright as the idyllic Princess Buttercup

Advantage_BullseyeWide

Your Highness. In an otherwise tough competition, in the category of Sex Appeal we have a clear winner, as Ms. Portman and Deschanel are reason enough to see most any film. Though the Dread Pirate Roberts states, “There is a shortage of perfect breasts in this world,” Your Highness seems to have found several pair during their casting call, and allows viewers to take a looong look several times between fight scenes. Talk about your holy grail! Next time we hope they call us to join them on their noble breast—er, quest.

Mortal Combat

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• A bumbling Danny McBride soon learns to halfway match Portman and Franco’s bravery & steel

• In Wesley’s possession are an ever-present plan, Andre the Giant, Inigo Montoya, his alter ego: The Dread Pirate Roberts, and Miracle Max

Advantage_BullseyeWide

Princess Bride. The great duel of the Dread Pirate Roberts and Inigo Montoya still inspire sportmanship in combat to this day, all of which was done without wires or fast edits.

Winner

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Princess Bride. Your Highness touts itself as the “Best. Quest. Ever”… well, it’s certainly the FUNNIEST in 25 years. But ever? Thou hast been disproved, Danny McBride! Thine punishment for spreading such falsehoods is a one-way trip to the gallows.

Ah, but alas, those that weareth the Smoking Jacket have shown mercy upon thee and issue forth to you a new quest, roam the dark forest of solitude until coming up with an even funnier sequel. In the interim, we prayeth that the Unrated Version revealeth more when we buy it in three months on the holiest of Blu-Rays.

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