Your Grandfather Probably Has an STD


Great news, your grandparents are having a whole lot more sex these days! Even if they divorced long ago, they’re still having lots of sweaty, wrinkly, mothball scented intercourse. But now they’re just doing it with strangers. Before we continue, we’ll pause for a moment to allow you to think about dear old grandma in the position of your choosing.

You’re welcome. Now, how can we be so sure your grandparents are having so much carefree sex? Because the government says so, that’s how. In fact, because seniors are boning at such an alarming rate, Medicare may soon begin paying for STD testing for seniors. Take a quick gander at your most recent pay stub. See that tax deduction for Medicare? Yeah, that money will soon be going towards helping to determine if it’s just an enlarged prostate or a raging case of syphilis that makes it burn when granddad pees.

Here’s the thing, no matter how often your elders preached the importance of safe sex to you when you were young, they don’t really practice what they preach once they hit their golden years. Turns out, they didn’t really care if you came down with chlamydia, they just didn’t want you reproducing at an age that would likely straddle them with the responsibility of helping to raise your illegitimate offspring. But old people don’t have as much concern about unwanted pregnancy, so they’re less likely to use condoms when they have geriatric sex. In fact, men over the age of 50 are six times less likely to use a condom than men in their 20′s.

As result of all this unprotected penetration of musty old strange, STD rates have shot up by almost 50 percent between 1996 and 2008 in men over 40. It’s not that old people didn’t want to get their freak on before that, it’s just that they couldn’t thanks to a crippling case of flaccid junk syndrome. But Viagra came along and fixed all that, and now gramps is sticking it in anything that moves. Yep, even your grandpa. Probably right this very moment. If you don’t believe us, give him a call and ask what he’s up to. If he seems out of breath, it’s probably because he’s tapping some ass.

Would you like us to keep talking about this, or have you heard enough?