Do you disregard Mormon philosophies and those traditional courting rituals of a supposed civil society? Open to the possibility of unearthing a nasty case of crab louse?
In the decadent minds of sex fiends and other belly grinding lovers of the American fornication proclamation, it sometimes becomes necessary to venture out from our hole in the sheet, hump & huff roots and embark on a sleaze and destroy mission bound for the retail sex trade. That’s right, boys — we’re talking about heading it west, or east depending on where you call home; bound for the glorious oasis of the pay-per-puss brothels of Nevada.
Unfortunately, not every snarling, horny beast scouring the desert sands for an opportunity to put a couple of nickels in a sexy slit machine is privy to the etiquette and poontang protocol of pounding pood in a place regulated by tax paying pimps and madams with second and third mortgages. Believe it or not, there are certain rules that must be adhered to before a man can just walk into a brothel with his pecker in his hand, tuck a ten spot in between a hooker’s ass cheeks and give her a liberal dose of swift dickens in every orifice of her beautiful body. Sorry fellas – it’s actually a little more refined than that – even by sleazy bastard standards.
It is for that very reason we have taken it upon ourselves to attempt to educate our fellow brothers in sleaze as to the ins-and-outs of legalized prostitution in Nevada. Our goal is to help some of you depraved sons-of-bitches get your money’s worth, and to keep you out of trouble if you should ever find yourself looking to charge a little lovin’ to your credit card.
That being said, here is your crash course on the Nevada brothel scene and legalized prostitution.
1. Nevada Is the Only State That Supports Legalized Prostitution
Unfortunately, Nevada is the only state in the U.S. where prostitution is legal. In fact, the business of the retail sex trade has been a part of the state’s grinding workforce since around the mid-nineteenth century, with at least one brothel in Elko county slinging ass for cash since around 1902. Needless to say, the spread-legged commerce of the American working girl has been alive and lucrative across the state since even before there was a place known as Sin City.
And while there is always some form of bible-thumping legislation being introduced by ultra-conservative killjoy groups in an attempt to ban prostitution in all parts of Nevada, their efforts, thus far, have been hacked off at the neck by rural lawmakers seemingly unbothered by the state’s supposed lack of moral fiber.
Hell, some of Nevada’s brothels are old enough by now to qualify for protection by the state’s historical society. We do hope, however, that doesn’t mean they are required to sell 100-year-old pussy.
2. Prostitution Is Not Legal in Las Vegas
Contrary to what you might hear from skin peddlers on the strip, prostitution is not legal in Las Vegas. That’s because in 1971, some twenty years after city officials managed to pull the plug on brothels in both Reno and Las Vegas for being a public nuisance, Joe Conforte, the owner of the Mustang Ranch, found a way to persuade lawmakers in his neck of the woods to pass an ordinance aimed at keeping his brothel from ever being shut down for being deemed a social irritant.
Incidentally, this piece of local legislation scared the hell out of Vegas officials so, before Conforte could shake his political stick and find a way to open a brothel near the Vegas city limits, they aggressively persuaded the legislature to pass a law making prostitution illegal in any county with a population over 700,000.
As it stands, only half of Nevada’s 16 counties are home to brothel communities, with the retail sex trade being strictly prohibited in Clark County, Carson City, Douglas County and Lincoln County.
Tip: Prostitution may not be legal in Las Vegas but it is tolerated to some degree, as long as some discretion is practiced. So, it is not advised to ask the concierge at the Bellagio for his recommendation on the best place in town to score a call girl with a banana fetish and a pet monkey. Keep it low key.
3. Prostitutes Are Required to Get Health Checks
It is mandatory for all prostitutes working in Nevada’s brothels to undergo weekly health screens to test for sexual transmitted diseases. Interestingly, this practice of maintaining healthy poontang was made a state law back in 1937, when officials began seeing an upsurge in a variety of jungle diseases brought over by the American military. Me love you long time, but me could make you sick as hell.
The coughing genitalia of the desert sex worker was amended in 1986, when it became law that in addition to weekly tests for gonorrhea, chlamydia and syphilis, prostitutes must also undergo regular HIV screenings. And no, you sleazy bastards won’t be able to get the sex any cheaper if a hooker just so happens to have a rare strain of African coochie flu.
4. Johns Must Wear Condoms – It’s the Law
In addition to making HIV testing a mandatory part of prostituting protocol, Nevada also made it a law in 1986 that all hooker enthusiasts must either wrap it or take it home and whack it. Unfortunately, every brothel in the state strictly enforces this constrictive policy because if it is discovered that they are raw doggin’ against the law, the brothel could be fined an exuberant amount of money and even lose its license to screw.
So, when a lady of the ranch hands you a condom, don’t try to impress her by making a balloon animal – just put the damn thing on.
5. No Weapons Allowed in the Bedroom
It is perfectly acceptable to show up to a brothel packing some heat – hell, it’s encouraged. However, if you carry a firearm, you might want to just go ahead and leave that in your vehicle. For obvious reasons, it can sometimes make management and the girls a little nervous to know that strange, naked men, who are under the influence of hard liquor and testosterone, are walking around with more firepower than money and looking to screw anything that moves.
So don’t be surprised when some bald and burly security guard, that looks as if he may have spent a few years in a tattoo parlor disguised as a penitentiary, gives you the old strip club pat down and then asks that you check certain items, like weapons and cell phones at the door. At this point, you sleazy bastards really only have two choices – go in and get laid or go home.
6. Brothel Rates Are Negotiable
The majority of Nevada’s brothels do not have any set rates, unfortunately. This of course makes it somewhat difficult for the budget boner to ensure he has enough green in his jeans for the particular level of puff and grunt fun that he has in mind. What we can tell you is that brothel fornication is a lot like ordering a cafeteria-style lunch from the à la carte line. No, not because going down on a prostitute is comparable to having a side salad and the roast beef, but because every sleazy activity a guy can come up with costs extra.
In some of the more seedy brothels, those that operate out of trailer parks and junkyards, it may be possible to get thirty minutes of straight, missionary-style sex with a toothless hooker sporting a wooden leg for around $100, but in most places, the starting rate is between $200 to $300 – no fancy business.
However, most brothels advertise that they have girls that will work with any budget. Now, will a guy have much luck whipping out a couple rolls of quarters and $15 in food stamps – probably not, but you never know until you try. Honestly, while it is possible that a destitute John with enough kahunas to attempt to buy sex with welfare benefits may get a glass of iced tea and his butthole played with, we’re going to go out on a limb and say that showing up at any Nevada brothel with less than a couple hundred bucks to spend on a girl may not afford much more than a raging case of blue balls and a fat lip.
Our advice is to either take a substantial amount of money, or simply strip away every last ounce of your dignity by getting one of the girls to cut you a price break because you’ve got a small wiener and a problem with premature ejaculation.
7. Prostitutes Do Dick Checks, but They Don’t Kiss On the Mouth
Once you and your creatively financed new girlfriend have established the business aspect of your relationship, you may be surprised to find that as you reach for your wallet, she’s reaching for your pecker and a wet wipe. And let’s hope, for your sake, she is able to achieve this without a hands free magnifying loupe and a set of tweezers.
Regardless, what you might be confusing for a buy-one-screw-get-a-hand-job-free sale event is really just an awkward formality that is one part arousal and another part medicinal known as a “DC,” or to the almost laid man – a dick check.
This is where the girl gives you the old Black and Decker pecker checker treatment to make sure that the schlong you are preparing to sling appears to be healthy and herpes free, and most importantly, doesn’t resemble anything that looks like you’ve been bumping uglies with the Toxic Avenger.
And for the record, most prostitutes do not kiss their clients on the mouth. Yet if you are dying to know what it’s like to kiss a hooker, you could always try offering complimentary blowjobs in the brothel parking lot.
8. Prostitutes Are People Too
Visiting a prostitute is not that much different from being waited on at your favorite restaurant. A brothel is a business, and although the girls are there to provide a service, they should not have to endure any of your bullshit while they do it. Therefore, it is always a good idea to conduct yourself in a civilized, gentlemanly fashion – remembering to always be respectful and polite to the professionals that serve you.
After all, part of being a sleazy bastard is knowing exactly how to use your charm and good manners to scam those even sleazier than you into coughing up a little added value for your hard on dollar – especially in a whorehouse.