Plenty of teams have a fight song written just for them, designed to pump up their players and fans on game day. These songs are most popular in college football, where the schools’ marching bands get rolled out of the attic and dusted off once a week to play the song and will their team to victory. And then back into the mothballs they go until next Saturday.
Shockingly, many professional teams have an official fight song as well. Perhaps your favorite team has one. However, if your team is on this list, there’s a good chance you’ve never heard it. Why good fight music dies at the amateur level, nobody knows, but we’ve got proof that it is indeed the case.
Here are the 11 lamest pro team fight songs…
Meet The Mets
One of the more famous fight songs, which is wonderful except it doesn’t work. The lyrics tell us how gosh-darn swell it would be to go to the park and see the Mets play, because they really “sock” the ball out of the park. Even in 1962, when this song debuted to hype the Mets’ miserable, wretched debut season, people didn’t talk about socking anything except their feet. Although 120 losses later, they probably wanted to sock the entire team. Right out of the park.
San Diego Super Chargers
The Chargers apparently wanted to tap into the lucrative superhero market, because damn if this song doesn’t sound exactly like a horn-laden 60’s Super Friends-style cartoon. They even call themselves the Super Chargers, which makes it doubly disappointing that their quarterback doesn’t wear a cape and external underwear every week. Maybe if the guy who wrote this crappy song wins his lawsuit over millions in unpaid royalties, he can buy the team and force them to dress like Superman. It just seems right.
Also, extra crappy credit for the ultra-simple guitar riff that supposedly symbolizes the Charger’s lightning bolts in the sky, and double extra crappy credit for singing it as SKYYY-YI-YIIIII. Supervillians, you may now officially tremble.
For the first two seconds, this song sounds almost masculine. But then the actual Bengal growl is showcased; a single wimpy note from a flu-laden tuba. Seriously, as best as we can tell, that is supposed to be a tiger growling as he approaches, ready to eat you and “get some points upon the board,” all at the same time.
On a related note, if anybody actually cheers for their team to “get some points upon the board,” feel free to “sock” them. Next they’ll be yelling for the pitcher to throw a field goal, and nobody wants that.
Let’s Go Vikings
Most of this song is just boring and filled with the usual “let’s go score points,” “let’s fight the other team” tripe that every lyricist who knows nothing about the sport uses. But the horn at the end sells the song as being classically lame. It’s supposed to be a Viking horn, used to summon the other Vikings to battle. But instead of being intense and driven, it’s actually quite gentle and soothing. If we were Vikings (Ancient or Minnesota, either way) and we heard that horn, we would only be inspired to roll over and sleep an extra ten hours or so.
Houston Oilers and Miami Dolphins
On their own, these songs are boring, formulaic, and not worthy of a write-up. What makes them interesting is that one of these teams is a dirty, dirty thief. They use almost the exact same song, and the first verse is word-for-word alike, save for the team name. Nobody seems to know which team used the song first, and it probably doesn’t matter.
As of now, the song is the Dolphins’, as they exist, unlike the Oilers. But in our opinion, the Oilers should move back to Houston and reclaim the song, as their version is more awesomely cheesy. They have not one, but TWO awful verses, and they ice the crap cake with that chant in the beginning, performed by a gaggle of bored studio musicians who are not Oilers fans and likely are nursing hangovers.
Nuts About The Nats
This has to be the most over-excited song about a team that never wins in history. The lyrics paint a psychotic love letter to the Washington Nationals, letting us know they’re crazy for the Nationals (you would have to be crazy to root for them,) nuts about the Nats (sounds dirty), and that they go crazy for “every curly W.” That line implies that Grover from Sesame Street wrote the song and then handed it to a bunch of unemployed singers on crack to record.
Most of these songs were made in the 60’s and 70’s, so their cheesiness can be somewhat understood. It was a less self-aware time, and unintentional comedy wasn’t really a thing. But by the mid-90’s? The Carolina Panthers should have known better, and yet they still rolled this song out. It was supposed to get the fans going for the team’s inaugural season, and all it did was piss them off. Numerous complaints led the song to be disowned by the team within one season, in favor of whatever was popular on the radio at the time. With the exception of that dark period when Hanson and Chumbawumba ruled the airwaves, this proved to be a good decision.
Here Come The Hawks
Proving that hockey can write shitty fight songs just as well as other sports, the Chicago Blackhawks give us this. They suck you in with a cool opening riff, leading you to think that the song might actually be good. Then, the vocals. Oh, the vocals. It’s an overly-pleasant chorus line singing a rejected Broadway number from the 1940’s, which is absolutely what people think about when the subject is “music played at an Original Six hockey game.”
Also, at 30 seconds in, they start singing “Here Comes The Hawks.” Hopefully, that line was written by the local brain-dead hockey goon after a particularly brutal whack to the head, or else it would just seem stupid.
Can You Feel The Heat
The Miami Heat did something different when recording their fight song back in 1988. Instead of cheesy horns and awful Broadway-esque vocals, the Heat opted to steal the stomps and claps from Queen’s “We Will Rock You” and segue them into some of the most uninspired, non-sexy R&B imaginable. Mix in vocals by a guy unaware that he can’t sing soprano, and you have an all-time lame-ass classic on your hands.
Pittsburgh. Steel City. Where men are men and dirt is a condiment. The roughest, toughest men around, vying for victory on the icy war field of professional football.
And they go to battle with POLKA blaring? Not fun Weird Al polka either; this is old-timey oom-pa-pa performed by fat Germans who are too drunk to remember all the words without a piece of paper in front of them. This song may or may not reference great Steelers of the past; the singer slurs too many words for the listener to be sure.
Don’t know how to spell? Fret not; the Vancouver Canucks are here to help! This song runs the listener through all the letters of the team’s name: not the Vancouver part, that’s too hard. Just the Canucks. They also add ugly, flashing colors in case you felt like throwing up, but didn’t have the proper motivation.
The song’s not only lame, but it’s misleading. The fans seem more interested in fighting than the actual team, if their various Stanley Cup losses are any kind of proof. This leads us to the real way to spell their name: S-H-I-T-T-Y-S-O-R-E-L-O-S-E-R-S. So c’mon everybody, sing along! S! H! I…