A national poll was taken from selected individuals (and by that I mean a couple of my friends who’ve been to four states and screwed at least one hairy French guy) regarding Facebook statuses that make them want to gnaw off their toe nails and spit them in your face. However, since they’re no longer “bendy” like they used to be in high school, hiding your statuses from their newsfeed is about the best they can do.
Here are five Facebook statuses that qualify for an instant newsfeed ban:
Example: “Joan Lotadrama is: sick and tired of it.”
“Vaguebooking’ is defined by the Urban Dictionary as an intentionally vague Facebook status update that prompts friends to ask what’s going on, or is possibly a cry for help. It leaves your Facebook friends feeling like Chris Brown after a Good Morning America interview; provoked, confused and getting a sudden urge to throw a chair at a window. Especially if you’re complaining about a nameless someone because it’s about as useless to your friends as Justin Bieber is to lesbians.
Most likely, your selected recipient is totally oblivious that you’re even talking about them while all your other Facebook friends are now left wondering who/what you’re talking about and your egocentric Facebook friends inundate you with comments desperately wondering if you’re talking about them. Nut up and say what you need to say or leave your secret status messages for your decoder ring.
Example: “Walter Waahmbulance is: wondering if he has the energy to get through the day.”
We’ve all complained about a bad day, a bad cold, a bad haircut and a bad case of the runs every once in a while, but when every other Facebook status is an invite to your own personal pity party, you can guarantee that, by now, all your friends are wishing that your next ailment will put you into a coma so that you can no longer pollute their newsfeed with your incessant whining. The next time you feel like complaining about your non-ergonomic chair that makes your left butt cheek go numb, take a moment and think about what children from Calcutta would post as their Facebook status today.
Baha Udeen is: “Happy I didn’t get malaria from walking barefoot three miles to get a cup of brown water. Yay!”
So unless you woke up and your colon fell out and rolled under the bed (because THAT we want to hear about!), shut your pie hole already.
Example: “Ugh Mondays!” “TGIF!! ” “..it’s raining.”
The weekend is everyone’s favorite two pump chump, it feels wonderful in the beginning but after only a short two days, just when it gets really fun, here comes Monday dribbling all over our good time. If anything can bring this world together, it’s our mutual hatred for Mondays and our uncontrollable urge to run around naked with glee on Fridays. So yeah, we get it, which is why there’s absolutely no need to express your hatred or love for either day every week unless you really want your car keyed.
Your weather reports are also a pain in the ass considering, if we live near you, we can do a thing called “look out the window” and if we’re somewhere else, we don’t give two shit piles if you’re getting some mileage on your raincoat. Al Roker and his freakishly large head (that creepily still look like it belongs to fat Al Roker) have cornered the market on weather reports, so your services are not needed.
Example: “Heather Snorecastle is: ….at the bank.”
Before you whip out your phone and proclaim to your FB friends that you’re at KFC waiting for your heart attack in a bucket, take a moment and look around. Is there someone choking on a chicken bone? Do you see a strange man rubbing one out to the picture of Colonel Sanders? Is Tom Cruise there dressed like Katie Holmes being probed by John Travolta’s disco stick by the double fryers? If the answer is no, then the chances of friends being interested in your sudden craving to rape your face with a Double Down are ZERO. Unless you’re taking orders, in which case we’ll take a doublicious with some potato wedges and a Diet Coke. (We don’t like to drink our calories.)
Example: “It has been said that if I don’t have anything interesting to say, reposting a badly written, pointless repost that requires my other friends to repost if they love me is a good attempt at being a needy douche wad. These friends have probably deleted me from their friends list no matter how long it has been or how far away they live. They all wish for hornets to fly up my ass and out my eyeballs for being an annoying twat. Re-post if you still haven’t deleted me. They will know who they are.”
Repost statuses are a stale, three layer cake of annoying. It’s unoriginal, needy and you’re ordering people to also be annoying to their other friends. It’s the Facebook locust, eating up all the interesting things on your newsfeed and replacing them with soul withering reposts. Even if the repost has good intentions, posting up a status for an hour to “show awareness” for club footed people doesn’t make their feet less clubby or do anything for their awkward gait.
Don’t feel bad if you’re guilty about posting one or more of these statuses, most of us have done it at least once, but the secret ingredient that forces friends to ban you from their newsfeed is repetition. Facebook statuses aren’t meant to be a dumping ground for every thought that squeezes out your ears or every bowel movement you have because hello, that’s what Twitter is for. On Facebook, status scarcity makes the heart grow fonder. Before you post your status, remember that you have an audience who’s probably on company time and being very ninja about their Facebook visits, don’t let it be all for naught.
Written by Elaine Chaney, supporter of club footed people. Read more from her at Sanity, Interrupted.