The idea of women exclusively ruling the world is usually the stuff of quasi-erotic, darkly-comical science-fiction satire. It could never happen in real life, right? Women need men to like, open pickle jars & make sure the cable bill doesn’t go to waste. Without men perpetually handling the reins of human civilization, where would we be?
Probably in a better place, according to science. As it turns out, women are better than men at most of the things that dictate day-to-day life.
Here’s a short list of invaluable traits that women scientifically outclass men in.
If a person in this day and age mentions that they’re good at “multitasking,” there’s a good chance they’re essentially saying that they’re good at dicking around on their phone, dicking around on their computer/iPad and watching TV all at the same time. Since men are traditionally waaaaaay better at dicking around than women, this one might come as a surprise.
Researchers did a study last year in which 50 male and 50 female students were given eight minutes to perform simple tasks like math problems, finding a restaurant on a map and sketching a strategy as to how they would find a lost key in an imaginary field—all while receiving a phone call that they had the choice whether to answer or not, where answering meant being given an additional general knowledge test.
The female students ended up performing admirably, while the men did average at best. The same researchers attributed this result to the notion that women are just plain old better at reflecting on a problem and juggling other tasks at the same time.
4. Remembering Stuff
Being able to remember little stuff might not seem like a big deal, but intelligence is a fundamentally memory-based process. Remembering the little things can be the difference between prosperity and despair—remembering the name of that huge important client you’re meeting that will either make or break your new company, for example. Or remembering that the application deadline of that prestigious grad school is tomorrow, and not next week. Or maybe just remembering to lock your medicine cabinet because you saw that episode of Dateline where that poor lady’s 3-year-old died from ingesting pills.
Psychologists in Sweden found that episodic memory—the long-term kind that deals with personal experiences—greatly favored women. Specifically, women outperformed men in visual episodic memory tasks like remembering words, objects, pictures and every day events. This means that women can remember with greater accuracy something like where you left your car keys, or what the combination of the safe is, or why pouring cold water on a third degree burn is a bad idea.
Not to be totally embarrassed, men did do better at visuospatial processing, i.e. symbolic and non-linguistic information. This means that if you’re lost either at sea or in the middle of the Sahara, you’d probably be better off asking a guy which way to go.
Gene Simmons once said that in a perfect world, societies would be run by women in a feudal model similar to ant colonies. We could all do a lot worse, person-wise, than Gene Simmons as far as taking advice goes, because he’s probably right about this one.
According to a study done at Edinburgh and Lausuanne Universities, women are better at making people work together, peacemaking and dealmaking. As opposed to men, who excelled at—and we quote—“bamboozling, cheating, and two-timing.”.
The proof was extrapolated by using a series of scientific games—most notably the Prisoner’s Dilemma— that placed participants in situations where they would be presented with both the “selfish desire of each person to pursue the ‘winner-takes-all’ philosophy and the necessity for compromise to advance that self-same need by building a cooperative society in which people work together for the greater good.” Sounds like a party!
Needless to say, guys sucked at it, and we can probably thank nurture more than nature for this one. Cultures across history have tended to be pretty sexist as far as leadership positions go—which means guys are more hardwired to compete than to cooperate. It’s easier for us to just punch somebody than get in touch with our feelings and work things out.
2. Investing/Making Money
A recent study by Barclays Wealth and Ledbury Research determined that women were more likely to make money in the market because they were more risk averse and less overconfident. The study backs up previous research by the likes of Merrill Lynch— who in 2005 that found that 47% of men held investments for too long, compared with only 35% of women.
These figures, it can be argued, basically boil down to biology. And by that, we mean testosterone. Guys have a lot of it, and it tends to surge during winning streaks, thereby making them think they’re invincible and immune to bad decisions. Women have testosterone, too, but only about 10% the amount of men. That other 90% is what tends to separate our bad decisions from their good ones.
Man make fire. Man cook meat. Man lose all his money. Man end up doing things with his hands he deeply regrets to pay rent.
1. Being Hot
Scientists in Sweden in 2009 released a study that showed that “attractive” women breed more than “less attractive” women, and a higher proportion of their children tend to be female. Those children, in turn, grow up to be hot also, and repeat the cycle of giving birth to more hot daughters, resulting in an evolutionary effect that proves the Catholic Church might actually know what they’re talking about when it comes to birth control.
Since boys are less likely to be conceived by hot couples, however, men remain—again we quote—”as aesthetically unappealing as their caveman ancestors.”
Caveman ancestors. Ouch. First, Chuck Klosterman suggests that we’ve already seen the fastest man that could ever exist, and now we know that somewhere out there is the most handsomest dude that will ever live.
We try to be hot. We really do try. We’ve always done our best to adapt to society’s tastes. Our ancestors didn’t want to wear nuthugger shorts to play basketball, but dammit, they did it. We thought cutoff shirts were pretty stupid, too, but who were we to defy Bill S. Preston, Esquire? (Wyld Stallyns, bitches.)
We shaved our chests when everybody said it was gay. We manscaped when the haters claimed it was, well, also pretty gay. And now, the gods have decided we’re just not worth it, anymore. We’ve topped out. Reached our limit. Hit the proverbial wall. It’s tough to find the moral lesson here, but if we have to give it a shot, we think it’s “trying is stupid.”