The next time you’re waiting to check out at the grocery store, take a gander at the magazine rack. Staring back at you will be fit and toned celebrities, with their six packs chiseled like prison years served and etched into the walls at San Quentin.
The six-pack has always been the tell-tale sign that a person is in top physical condition. As the summer months approach, there are always lists and how-to’s as to the best ways to get that flat stomach. Well the summer is over. If you didn’t manage to get that six pack, no worries and congratulations.
But if you did, then it’s high time to lose that washboard and put on some pudding poundage for the cold winter months ahead. Here are eight ways to lose your abs for the winter…
Eat Pie for Breakfast
Fabienne, the pot belly envious better half to Bruce Willis’ Butch in Pulp Fiction certainly had a good outlook when it came to tummy excess.
“Pot bellies make a man look either oafish, or like a gorilla. But on a woman, a pot belly is very sexy. The rest of you is normal. Normal face, normal legs, normal hips, normal ass, but with a big, perfectly round pot belly. If I had one, I’d wear a tee-shirt two sizes too small to accentuate it.”
And just how was Fabienne going to achieve that Madonna circa “Lucky Star” look: Pie for breakfast.
Stop Doing Coke, Start Drinking Coke
Getting off the ol’ booger sugar is a known cause for rapid weight gain. Not only will you be turning over a new leaf with a new drug free outlook, but the weight will wash over you like the neon lights at the night club where you used to toot your horn like Dizzy Gillespie.
But everyone needs a vice or twelve. Coca-Cola paired with a hefty little lunch contains so many calories that you’d have to walk for seven straight hours to burn it off. Forget walking, that’s for skinny folks who do yoga. Strap on that fanny pack and hop aboard that Segway to ensure all of those happy calories stay planted to your caboose like ball players on Kardashians.
Become a Chicago Bears Super Fan
Ditka. Check. Polish sausage. Check. Beer. Check. Nachos. Check. Bill Swerski and his band of Monsters of the Midway supporters certainly knew about excess. If ever there was a model for physical inactivity paired with long stretches of sitting amongst Vienna beef, this is it. If heaven doesn’t actually exist, this is the closet thing to it. Everyone and everything is acceptable…except ketchup.
Eat Foods Named After People
Foods named after people, some celebrities, some not, are a full-proof plan to get fat. Take for example the Salisbury steak, named after Dr. James H. Salisbury. He invented the “hamburger steak” to promote his notion that fruits and vegetables caused heart disease, mental illness and tuberculosis. This was likely also where the term “quack” was coined.
The Luther Burger (1500 calories), rumored to be named for Luther Vandross, consists of two glazed donuts with a burger in between. It’s said to be a favorite of police officers across the country, thus making it the most spit on burger as well.
Rent Every Season of The Wire and Eat a Cheeseburger Every Time Bunk Moreland Curses
Television shows that appear on premium channels have the advantage of being allowed to expose areolas as well as being able let the frequent expletive fly. If the classic Bunk Moreland/Jimmy McNulty exchange is any indication, a little The Wire marathon with an added caveat is sure to give you that gut you’ve always dreamed of. Are you ready to gorge yourself on 38 cheeseburgers to match the number of F-Bombs in this scene? Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Move to Nauru
There are currently 1.6 billion obese adults in the world. The tiny Micronesian island formally known as Pleasant Island is the porkiest country in the nation. Where a 30 Body Mass Index puts you in the “obese category,” 94 percent of folks waddling around in Nauru come in above that benchmark. A little about the island nation: their constitution reads, “We the people…put ranch dressing on everything.”
Ask yourself, “what would Ron Swanson do?”
You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of bacon and eggs, but what I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.
Stick to Susanne Eman’s Strict Diet Regiment
Susanne Eman is off her rocker. We’d call her OCD, but we’d be afraid that she thought we were inviting her to OCB. Eman is striving to become the fattest woman in the world, and hopes to reach 1,600 pounds by the end of the year. That’s right…striving. Just take a gander at her daily food intake that features 21,000 calories:
Breakfast: 6 x eggs scrambled, cooked in butter 468 cals. 1/2 pound bacon 1,168 cals, 4 x potatoes as hash browns 672 cals, 6 x pieces toast with butter 600 cals, 32 ounce cream shake 1,160 cals. Snacking 1 x bag of animal cookies 1,950 cals, 2 liter bottle of soft drink 800 cals, 1 x 10.5 ounce bag of barbecue flavor chips 1,650 cals, 3 x ham and cheese sandwiches 1,576 cals.
Lunch: 3 x beef, bean and green chili burritos with 1 x cup of sour cream 1,453 cals. Salad (1 head lettuce, 1 cup cherry tomatoes, 1 cup carrots, 1 cucumber, 1/2 cup ranch dressing, bacon bits, 1 cup crumbled cheese, 1 cup chicken 1,479 cals.
Dinner: 12 x filled tacos + 1 x cup sour cream 4,906 cals, 2 liter bottle of soda 800 cals, Dessert 8 x scoops vanilla ice cream 2,080 cals, 1 x small pan of brownies 1,200 cals.
That’s quite the disgusting rundown. Uh….The aristocrats?
That’s the list, and we’re sticking to it like the trans fat infantry preparing to invade your gullet with plans of spending the winter in that toned mid section. Happy fat hibernation.