Eight Ways Steven Seagal Improves the Movie Making Process

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If you see a movie for rent that never made it to theaters, statistically, nine times out of ten, that movie has Steven Seagal in it. For those of you who don’t know, Steven Seagal is a 7th-dan black belt in Aikido and has enough “awesome” in his body to fix an energy crisis and still have five arm snaps left over.

We’re actually surprised that Steven Seagal isn’t in more and bigger films. He’s so great that his resume simply reads “Steven Seagal. Work Experience: Actor. Badass.” If anyone from Hollywood is paying attention, they should stop focusing on what to remake next or what to convert to 3-D and direct their attention where it’s needed – getting Steven Seagal in their films.

We’ve prepared a list of eight reasons that Seagal is the best actor of his generation, and why, under no circumstance, should you allow a chance to work with him to slip through your soon-to-be-broken fingers.

You’re Assured Of An Awesome Title

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Listen to these movie titles and try not to overdose on testosterone. Hard To Kill. Marked For Death. Out For Justice. On Deadly Ground. Today You Die. Born To Raise Hell. If Steven Seagal is in a film, all you have to do is play Mad Libs, with the only requirement being “Something That’s Sweet” and you have your title. These film titles are so awesome that some computers require that you have caps lock turned on before you can type them in.

It’s Going To Be Cheap To Make

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The most expensive thing in the film’s budget is the amount of towels you have to purchase to fan people after they’ve passed out from being in Steven’s presence. Complex sets are unnecessary. Just find an abandoned alleyway or warehouse with a lot of breakable boxes, a few extras who are willing to be paid in seconds they spend unconscious and let Seagal loose. He’s his own special effect, so there’s no need to spend time working with CGI. Other lead actors that you have to hire will simply be props for Seagal to clumsily work with and eventually forget about, so there’s no need to pay for the A-list.

You’ve Got All The Star Power You Need

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There’s never been a circumstance when someone bought a Steven Seagal film and became pleasantly surprised when Steven Seagal showed up. Seagal sells his films through the simple marketing tactic of “Seagal is in this. You should watch it, punk.” If you look at any films the man has made, they’re easily distinguishable from classic Renaissance works in that 95% of them have Seagal’s face covering more than half of them. People who don’t know that they’re renting a Seagal movie don’t know that they’re renting movies at all. They think they’re in a grocery store, and the death stare face on the slim box they’re holding is simply the spokesperson for the hair coloring.

The Many, Many, Many Bones Breaking

Seagal’s alarm clock sounds like a continuous stream of femurs breaking through the skin, and so do all the sound effects and sound tracks of his movies. Seagal breaks stunt men’s body parts like another person would breathe. The above video is a compilation of Steven breaking a lot of bones, for reasons that were probably deserved. Watch it, or he’ll break your arm too.

The Script Will Write Itself

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Seagal himself has written eight of his recent films and contributed the story to a few more. These scripts are usually only a few pages long, consisting mainly of whether the knife-wielding thug will be clutching his knee or neck, and if Seagal is going to taunt a helpless person or simply grunt. Writing for a Seagal movie is deceptively simple in this regard, and they tend to follow one of two plots. Plot A) Was Steven Seagal pissed off before this movie started, or B) Is Steven Seagal pissed off after the movie got started? From there you can decide the creative title of the special enforcement team that Seagal will be leading (and soon abandon for personal reasons) and how exactly you’re going to make any villain seem threatening when Seagal has literally kicked his way through a small army.

Direction Is Unnecessary

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If you’re a director who’s worried about the proper way to frame someone’s forearm being shattered in nine places, you’ve got the wrong idea about your job. Simply point and shoot at whatever Seagal happens to be doing, and there’s only three options with what that is.

1. Fighting
2. Thinking About Fighting
3. Thinking About Fighting Without Letting On That He’s Thinking About Fighting

There’s no way to make Seagal look “artistic” anyway. His face seems to be dropping and spreading at the same time, and his body has expanded with every killing blow that he’s delivered. If a bulldozer was plowing through a town, you wouldn’t try to get tight, close shots of the shovel lowering or the tracks spinning. No, you’d zoom out and watch as houses crumbled. Treat Seagal in the same way and you’ll be smelling money before you can say the word “Action.”

Every Movie Will Be Deep

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Film stars like Clint Eastwood have aged gracefully. They’ve recognized that they’re no longer fit for the action roles of the past and have accepted becoming the “grumpy old man” or “the wise grandfather.” Seagal has as much interest in playing the part of “graying, wizened sage” as he does with not ramming a head through a television, and it shows. Every fight scene or dramatic situation that Seagal enters is the same as the one that he entered twenty years ago. There’s something both admirable and intensely sad about this dedication to consistent upper cuts and police betrayals and thus, every Seagal movie becomes a Cannes Festival worthy masterpiece. They’re not stories about an ex-cop looking for his partners’ murderers. They’re about a man, past his prime, struggling to play an ex-cop and not realizing that he looks absolutely ridiculous. The Academy needs to invent a new category for Seagal, so that he can finally win the Oscar for “Older Man Who Doesn’t Need To Shoot A Room Full Of Henchman But Does.”

The Actor Will Take It Seriously

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In his films, Seagal has the sense of humor of someone who thinks that jokes are deceptive attempts to steal his brain. Therefore, if you want a serious action star who will lend gravity to a line of people getting their organs replaced with putty and knuckle indentations, you have to go with Seagal. If you ever see Seagal smiling, it’s because his brain is unsure of how to process all the ass kicking that he’s done that day. If he laughs, it’s just because he needs to cough up all the last breaths that he’s witnessed. Steven Seagal is as serious as the black plague, if the black plague had a pony tail.

Daniel Dockery likes bad cartoons, worse relationship advice and Twitter. You can tweet him at @dandock and read more stuff at danielsfunny.wordpress.com

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