Where Pimpin Facial Hair Goes Wrong

SO I CRASHED SOME MANSION-Y PARTY at Christmastime last year. While I was there, drinking my schnapps or whatever, this hilarious man hit on me. I’m a fan of hilarious men. But buddy had pimpin facial hair. To be specific: A chinstrap and a soul patch–popular combo, turns out. He FB’d me and I never wrote back. I’m sorry to say I was shallow enough to think ahead to what kind of future we might have together. These are the thoughts I had:

1. It’s spring, I’m walking hand-in-hand with a dude with pimpin facial hair.

2. I’m at the movies, a man with pimpin facial hair puts his arm around me.

3. We go to my friend Annie’s housewarming party, chico with pimpin facial hair brings his face, I bring a bunch of cheese.

Not cool, right. It’s the exact same way I’d feel about taking a poodle around town–I’d be kind of embarrassed to be caught with an adorably froofy ball o’ fur. Even if the ball o’ fur was muy loveable. Here’s the thing: I’m a city kid. And nothing says over-grooming to a girl like me like a perfectly mowed lawn, or someone’s face–human or otherwise–buzzed into curlicues and pom poms.

Seriously. Imagine I shaved swirls all up and down my legs. My legs, I said–I’m no vagazzler. What would you think? You’d think:

1. I’m weird like a Wiccan or a cousin to a Vulcan or something else with crystals.

2. That’s gotta bristle, yo.

3. I’m an illiterate cult leader’s barren second wife.

Don’t get me wrong–I’m not saying I want an every-morning-shave kind of dude. Scruff is good. Like folksy hot. Or ‘I don’t work the 9-5′ hot. Like Jesus (with better hair) hot, or like Great Lake Swimmer’s lead singer, Tony Decker, hot.

Tony Decker


But buddy from the shindig’s face = a no-go, as would be Wes Bently’s facial garden in Hunger Games

Still. They’re not the worst. They’re not even close to the worst.

John Gotti


Dude at a beard competition

What I hate about this is how he must have a basket-weaving gf who does this for him.

The swooshes

All the drawbacks of a facial tattoo.

Mutton chops

This only sorta works because he’s the best kind of superhero.

Amish man

 I don’t understand why the mustache has to go. 

Pioneer/prison style

Is that necessary?

How would you like it if we went there?

See what I’m talking about?


Only a couple of guys on this planet can do what they want re: facial hair or anything else: Johnny Depp and Lenny Kravitz. So the rule should be if you’re not either of them, don’t get all carried away pimpin out your style.

You are them? OMG. Call me.


Related on The Smoking Jacket:
God Hates Justin Bieber 
The Eight People Waiting to Ruin Your Tailgait Party