Some of us are born into a particular fan base due to geography or family history. But those of us who weren’t raised in a city with any major pro sports teams can choose to cheer for which ever team we want. And the teams we choose are important markers to others — like a kind of litmus test of personality, intelligence, and taste.
New York Yankees
You’re an asshole, a New Yorker, or both. Either way you’re rude, obnoxious, loud, and arrogant. You’re probably a cigar-smoking beer-bellied lout looking for a fight with a big-haired wife on your arm shouting insults and spitting on people. Worst of all, you know people envy you, but rather than making you gracious it just makes you a bigger jerk, relishing rubbing it in their faces like the wall-street asshole you are. Dick!
Los Angeles Lakers
You’re shiny, trendy and dress to impress, in fact how you look at the game is at least as important as the game; also important, the hotness of the cheerleaders. You like attractive people — cheerleaders, fans, players — it’s all the same. You like players with unusual names: Kareem, Magic, Shaq, Kobe — no Larry Bird’s for you. And most of all you like winners, only winners, if they stop winning you might have to look around for another team.
You’ve given up. You’ve accepted mediocrity and a humdrum sales job with an insurance company, and a wife who’s lost her looks and never had much to begin with. You don’t even really ever get your hopes up or get excited anymore, you’re just putting in time, going through the motions, you’re out there but no one cares or really notices most of the time. And that doesn’t bother you anymore, you’re irrelevant and you can’t muster the strength to get angry about anymore.
Philly fans are notoriously brutal: Chucking batteries at opposing players (sometimes their own players); assaulting opposition fans en masse; vomiting on small children; they even booed Santa Claus and pelted him with snowballs! They’re the lowest of the low, the scum of the sports earth. If you’re from Philly then I get it, you share a city with these barbarians you can’t let them think you’re the enemy. But anyone else who chooses to align with these folks clearly has a penchant for mob violence, and no issue with teams that compete but never quite get over the hump, provided you can get drunk and circle boot the guy in the different colored shirt.
Clearly you’re unfazed by casual, or not-so-casual, racism (seriously, Redskins? Was there ever a time that wasn’t pejorative?), and you a slave to tradition (how did that name make it into the twenty-first century?) You’ll pay good money to watch a bad team fumble about. You throw money around like a drunken sailor, but have the business acumen of one as well. You make horrible investments, select the wrong people to run the show, a regularly get embarrassed at home. You’re a politician aren’t you?
You people are the worst. Classless galoots. Dedicated to a team that is proud of its identity as a bunch of goons, pushing other teams around and injuring players. You know what that sounds like, a bully! You’re a bunch of bullies! And unless this is just media hyperbole, that’s the worst thing you could possibly be these days. Like the worst people imaginable. You’re bullies celebrating bullies being bullies. Also what’s with the yellow socks? You can’t even be trusted to dress yourself.
Some people simply jump from bandwagon to bandwagon never settling on a favorite. These are the same types who choose their teams based on color or logo or nickname. You’re undiscerning and wishy-washy. You spend and spend buying a new wardrobe every season, and you too much for someone who can’t make a decision. Frankly sports fans don’t have time for your ilk. Take your ugly girlfriends and get out of here.
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