The choices we make in life say something about us, right? Sure they do, why not? And if that’s the case (and I believe we’ve established that it is) then surely it’s not too far a stretch to suggest that the choice of character we make when playing video games says something about us too. Let’s take a look at a few well-known examples:
1. Luigi (Mario Bros.)
You’re player 2. You’re second choice, second best, runner-up. You drink Pepsi and wear Jordache and eat at Burger King. You either have an inferiority complex, an older brother or both. I mean seriously, who chooses Luigi? That’s like winning the silver meal and screaming “In your face!” at the guy with the bronze.
If you’re reading this and thinking, ‘Hey, Luigi is my favorite man!’ do yourself a favor and slam your head against your desk.
2. E. Honda (Street Fighter)
You’re overly defensive. You have issues letting others get close, weather physically or emotionally. When they try to move in you give them the ol’ hundred-hand slap and push them away. You’re probably afraid they’ll figure out you lack the skill to fight them so instead get super slappy.
Likely you have few friends because you’re a pain in the ass to play with. Then again you might just have an unhealthy obsession with sumo wrestlers.
3. Oddjob (Goldeneye)
You’re a dick! Or you’re new to the game playing against experienced players. Maybe like three friends are playing everyday after school for a week then they figure out you have a Super Nintendo and invite you and your two controllers over so they can all play at once and after you start whining about getting your ass kicked they tell you to be Oddjob so you actually get a couple shots in before they remember they have to aim down at you and blow you away.
But most likely you’re just a dick.
4. Toad/Koopa (MarioKart)
You’re frightened. You never move on. You’re not advanced. Everyone starts out using one of these two but once you know how to play you and no longer crash you move on to Mario/Luigi or Bowser/Donkey Kong for the higher speeds. If you never did that, it shows you’re afraid on the unknown, afraid to step outside the box or leave your comfort zone. You were probably one of those kids who didn’t go on sleepovers and wouldn’t eat any food that wasn’t your mothers or McDonald’s.
5. Elissa Streamer (Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater)
You’re a girl right? You’re not? Why’d you pick they girl then? Either you wish you were a girl or you want to bed that girl, but she’s a virtual girl, a virtual version of homely girl who wouldn’t speak to you because you speak gamer and she speaks skater. Or maybe your one of those types that’s obsessed with fairness and equality, thinking everyone deserves their chance; every character should be given equal weight and playing time.
Quit playing video games and go back to playing kumbaya, you lousy bleeding-heart hippy.