What She Said: Getting Arrested in Turkey
Jason and I sat handcuffed in the back of the paddy wagon as we sped along a Turkish highway as what sounded like a Eurotrash mash-up of “Call Me Maybe” and Prodigy’s “Smack My Bitch Up” blasted through the speakers. I was scared, confused and desperate to get a shot of this for INSTAGRAM.
I made eye contact with Jason, who was also handcuffed, and sitting next to me. “How did this happen?” I whispered to him, my lip trembling.
“Shhh!” he hissed. “We’re not supposed to be talking.”
I gazed out through the van’s passenger window, which was clouded with dirt and thought back to 24 hours earlier, when everything was okay…
Each year, Jason and I make it a point to take an outlandish summer vacation. This year the plan was to spend a week with my sister and her husband on their yacht in Greece, four days in Turkey, and three days in Rome. I can’t spend longer than three days in Rome. If I did, I’d eat myself to death, for sure making my father unable to love me. But I digress.
The Mediterranean is gorgeous this time of year. And with a boat you can go places airplanes can’t. It was like being in a Homeric poem — we let the winds and the crazy scary diesel engine of our 100 foot motor yacht lead us to the medieval island Rhodes, the elegant harbors of Symi, and the Cancunesque coast of Kos. Each day was a new adventure and by adventure I mean every time you wiped poop off your ass, you had to throw it in a wastebasket because the toilets can’t process paper. The term I use for this type of scenario is glamping: glamorous camping. I hate camping in any of its earthy disguises, so for all of its perks, the boat was still a challenge.
Maybe it was the fact that my father had gotten aboard in Kos or the fact that I hadn’t used conditioner in four days, but when we docked in Bodrum, Turkey, I couldn’t pack up my physical and emotional baggage fast enough.
“Bon Voyage!” I waved exuberantly as we pulled out of the Marina leaving our shipmates for the land leg of our journey.
“My dad is going to kill himself,” I sighed, knowing his head basically explodes off his 125 pound body when he doesn’t have a way to work out or ignore the world around him. (His feces included.)
“Totally” Jason laughed hysterically.
“The good news is, we’re in Turkey now and we get to flush our shit tonight!” I exclaimed.
Tucked away in an ancient pine forest overlooking a scalloped bay on the Bodrum peninsula is the Amanruya. Named after the Sanskrit word for peace, ‘aman’, and the Turkish word for dream, Amanruya is exactly the kind of place you want to go when you want a guarantee that the chocolate on your pillow is not your own poop.
A Hotel representative took us to one of the property’s 34 cottages, each equipped with its own garden, a private swimming pool, a covered dining and lounging pergola and an outdoor shower. As soon as our host was gone, we stripped down and jumped into the pool.
“This is heaven. I never want to leave,” I moaned happily before disappearing underwater.
The next four days were spent lapping up sun and room service in our decadent Aegean hideaway. Occasionally, like smug assholes, Jason and I tried to picture the hardships my family faced at sea.
“Do you think anyone is dead by now?” Jason asked as a Turkish woman gave him a Thai massage.
“I’m sure there’s been at least one broken axel and a dysentery outbreak,” I assured him between sips of mint mojito.
By the week’s end, we were sated and ready to take our obnoxious American block party to Rome. I stood on top of my suitcase and with all of my weight, forced my newly purchased knock off handbags to mingle with my still mildewed sailing regalia. We took one last picture of the view and headed up to the front entrance. Within minutes, a chauffer was heaving our things into the back of his Mercedes MLK as the staff bid us farewell.
“I want to be a Bodrumite, I think. Can we just stop working in LA and live off the land here?” I whined for a good thirty minutes.
“Baby, shut up. We have to make a 5 pm dinner reservation in Rome you spoiled bitch. Did you get your jewelry out of the safe?” Jason asked casually.
“Shhh! He speaks English,” I mouthed as the car pulled in to the airport.
Riddled with guilt over the fact that our driver heard I had jewelry, was heading to Italy, and just uploaded a picture of his back to Instagram, I made it a point to give him all the Lire we had left.
Inside, we got our tickets to Rome. We had a layover in Istanbul but our bags were checked all the way through. When our plane landed in Istanbul’s Ataturk airport, everyone was directed to customs. Jason paced nervously worried we wouldn’t reach our subsequent gate in time. After about twenty minutes in a non air-conditioned tunnel, it was our turn. Relieved, we pranced up to the Turkish Customs official and presented our passports. He looked at us both, unimpressed, and went back to flipping through our papers.
“You have a different passport?” he finally asked.
“No. My picture just looks weird because of the bangs, it was a bad move, but I learned from it,” I explained.
Jason nudged me in the arm to shut up.
“We’re US citizens, that IS our only passport,” he went on.
The Customs agent called one of his colleagues over for help.
“Where is your visa to be in this country? How did you get into Turkey?” the colleague demanded.
“Oh! That! Yeah, well we were on a yacht,” I said.
“Where is the yacht now?” the agent asked.
“The yacht? Um, I think it’s back in Greece. Right, baby? If it hasn’t sunk yet… There’s a great deal of shit on board,” I joked.
Nobody was amused. Jason looked ready to use his carry-on to knock me unconscious when we were escorted out of line and handcuffed. Instantly, I started to cry. A policeman, who couldn’t have been older than 25, prodded us through a door that led to a separate holding pen. Jason was taken to the opposite side of the room so that we couldn’t converse. We were then told in broken English that our bags were being pulled off the plane and that they better not find anything illegal in them.
“Are fake Louis Vuitton Canvas Neverfulls illegal here?” I gingerly inquired.
The child cop stared at me blankly then left the room. When he returned he had an entourage of four kid officers with him. They said nothing, just pointed towards yet another hallway they wanted us to walk down.
“Midnight Express!?” I whispered to Jason from behind.
“Jenny, be calm. Nothing is going to happen. This is all a misunderstanding. We are probably just going to pay a fine,” he said trying rational.
“I’m not getting naked. I’m not blowing anyone. I’m not shaving my head. I AM open to renouncing my western ideology if I have to,” I vowed.
We rounded a corner and were suddenly outside the airport. The boy soldiers pushed us both into a waiting paddy wagon blasting Euro trash techno. Once we were all in, the van took off with the kind of zeal that only comes from having nothing to do most of the day.
My body was saying, “INSTAGRAM this shit!” but my mind was saying, “No.” Thank God my body won out! I turned on my roaming like a person who knows they’ll never have to pay their cell phone bill because they live in a Turkish prison now, and uploaded the shot. In an instant, everyone back home knew exactly what was going on. My phone started blowing up with texts and phone calls like I was fucking Anderson Cooper. This made the officers furious. I think one of them must follow me or something…
“No more phone,” one of the club kid cops barked as he snatched it from my hands.
Secretly thrilled that my fan base extended all the way to Turkey, I handed over the phone willingly and took a moment to mentally pat myself on the back. Jason, meanwhile, was in full on POW mode. He only moved when spoken to and refused to make eye contact with me because he knows I tend to laugh uncontrollably when I’m in trouble. From the outside, the prison looked like old army barracks. Inside, it looked like the pound from Lady and the Tramp only instead of singing shitzus there were potential sleeping terrorists in each cell.
A guard escorted me to a station where he took my fingerprints and mug shot. I then fell to my knees in full-blown panic-mode when he asked me to step on a scale for weighing.
“I’m not sure how to tell you this but… I’ve had an eating disorder before and this is really not something I should be doing,” I stated as I griped the nearest wall in fear.
Unfazed, the guard physically lifted me off the ground and onto the scale kicking.
“You are sooo lucky this is in Kilograms!”
“I’m officially NEVER doing The Amazing Race with you,” Jason called out from a scale opposite me.
“What did I do wrong? He wants me to know how much weight I’ve gained. It’s sadistic and has nothing to do with my offense,” I yelled back.
“You have zero respect for authority. I’m bringing this up in couples’ therapy when we get home.” Jason threatened.
“Good luck with that! Because if you haven’t noticed, WE AREN’T GOING HOME!” I yelled.
Just then the first English speaker we’d seen in hours walked in.
“Mr. and Mrs. Biggs? Please come with me,” said Officer Tarek, a Turkish man who looked like my dad on acid.
The three of us sat down at a desk where he asked us to write down the names of our parents, the states we were born in, and the purpose of our visit. The officer’s mind seemed to melt as he stared at Jason’s passport and then back at his Jason Biggs’ face.
“American Pasta?” He asked, puzzled.
Neither Jason nor myself felt hungry so we declined his generous offer.
“Jim Levenstien!?” he insisted, nodding his head emphatically.
“Oh, thank God! Thank God! Thank God!” I gasped.
“Yes! American Pie! Pasta! That’s me!” Jason nodded as a swarm of officers and jailers gathered round.
Words and laughs were exchanged in Turkish before they finally agreed on what was next.
“Oh my God, here it comes, they are gonna ask to rape me!” I muttered under my breath closing my eyes and bracing for a gangbang.
“Do the dance!” Tarek exclaimed happily as everyone nodded in anticipation.
Jason and I paused for a beat, confused.
“The sexy dance! The Nadia Sexy Dance.” Tarek reminded him.
One of the infant officers from earlier blasted a Gloria Gaynor mash up on his phone and my good sport of a husband started moving. The only thing that would have made this scenario more ridiculous is if they started shooting bullets at his feet to make him move faster.
Immediately, I was regretting getting busted for taking a photo earlier. I would have been more patient had I known this Kodak fucking moment was in store. When the song was over everyone seemed the best of friends. Jason took photos, signed T-shirts, and left voicemail messages. Tarek stamped something on our passports that basically said we could fly out of the country that night but wouldn’t be allowed back in for three years. He then coyly suggested we leave any money we might have as a simple donation to Turkey.
“I gave our driver, everything we had left,” I said, emptying my wallet.
Tarek’s infatuation with Jason instantly started to fade.
“We have an ATM,” he said darkly, suddenly morphing into a guy that would ass rape the Turkish my dad on acid.
One thousand dollars and two more Nadia dances later, we were released and put on a flight to Rome. I sent out a quick tweet to let everyone know I was okay. The only response I got was from my sister, who simply posted a shot of my dad swimming in a bay next to a giant ferry about to decapitate him with a note that read,
“A Turkish prison actually sounds delightful right about now.”
Someday I hope to return to Turkey, mainly to get my hands on the forms that list my actual weight in kilograms and destroy them. The last thing my father needs after his decapitation is to learn how much I really weigh.
Jenny Mollen Biggs is an actress and writer living in Los Angeles with two poodle angel muffins and an asshole miniature pinscher. She also has a husband. Keep up with her at IMDB or on Twitter @jennyandteets.
Related on The Smoking Jacket:
What She Said: Jenny Mollen Goes “Fifty Shades of Grey”
What She Said: That Time We Got a Whore
What She Said: Going Girl
What She Said: Blood on the Couch: A Tale of Making a Good First Impression
HOT LINKS
“What She Said: Getting Arrested in Turkey”
5:20 pm on August 16th, 2012
Damn those Turkish cops for taking your phone!! The Nadia dance shit should’ve totally been recorded!! Funny shit Jen!!!
5:50 pm on August 16th, 2012
Why would you plan a trip to a country without first checking the visa requirements?
Did you guys just assume that because you’re from US you’re exempt from getting a visa, or respecting a country’s law for that matter?
This is not even a funny story but more like a statement of your own ignorance. No wonder why Europeans don’t like American tourists. And all that midnight express jokes, seriously?!! How old are you, twelve?
6:30 pm on August 16th, 2012
This is so funny it can only be true. As i sit in the airport in my own vacation travel hell, it is nice to see that others have it worse than me!
6:45 pm on August 16th, 2012
Yes, thank you Kate. It’s behavior like this that has created the term “ugly American.” Trust me, Turkey is not the only country that would be suspicious by the way you entered without permission. Be thankful they let you go and shut up. This is not something to be proud of or made into an ancedote.
7:04 pm on August 16th, 2012
So a moron can’t keep their mouth shut or actually plan for a vacation but they managed to get out of it by being marginally famous. Great story, can’t wait to hear more stupid shit about your life.
7:08 pm on August 16th, 2012
Kate and Lucy’s dads were ass-raped in a Turkish prison by a Leslie Nielsen look-alike.
7:10 pm on August 16th, 2012
I think it was Joe. Him and his gladiator movies & Penn State hat & jock collection.
12:33 am on August 17th, 2012
I’ll try to sneak into USA without a visa and then fly to another country from there. Let’s see what happens to me. I bet the only thing they would say to me will be: “Have a nice flight!” …or not. I’m so stupid to waste my time on getting visas etc before my vacations.
1:43 am on August 17th, 2012
Actually, they probably will say “Have a nice flight!” I have been flying in and out of the US on a foreign passport practically my entire life. When flying out from an US airport, no one has ever checked to see how I got in. In every other country, I have to get through immigration before I’m allowed to leave. Not so with the US. Sorry bah, I’m afraid you need a different country for you sarcastic response.
8:11 am on August 17th, 2012
It would be impossible for anyone who has seen “Midnight Express” to not make that joke under those circumstances. Given the author, I’m surprised she didn’t push her boobs against some glass for fun. And screw the “ugly American” PC crap, in a situation where they were forced to go to an ATM to get the cop a bribe.
9:03 am on August 17th, 2012
Dear Assholes,
1.The only reason we didn’t get a visa was because we entered by boat and the harbor didn’t stamp us in.
2.As for the Midnight Express jokes, eat a bag of dicks! I was in a foreign country getting arrested. You’re lucky I found any humor in it.
3.Next, I’m an “ugly American”. One that speaks three languages.
4.I loved Turkey and there is literally zero in my article claiming otherwise. Like most people, I just don’t enjoy jail.
5. You’re welcome for the explanation. And I forgive you for your slimy online ignorance:)
9:11 am on August 17th, 2012
Jenny Mollen Is “BY FAR” the funniest smartest hottest (I’m assuming. I’ve never met her) person I’ve never met. Everything she says is “GOLD.” If you don’t get it? WoW! You’re missing out “BIG” “TIME.”
9:12 am on August 17th, 2012
HEY! Everyone just ENJOY Jenny’s adventures and laugh that it happened and DIDN’T happen to you. She is doing us a GREAT SERVICE!
9:13 am on August 17th, 2012
Joe, Lucy and Kate are probably the same person and what Jenny said.
You (Jenny) shouldn’t have to explain your story and if the 3 stooges (Joe, Lucy & Kate) would have read your other hilarious stories, they wouldn’t say such crap!
ps fav that! :-p
9:17 am on August 17th, 2012
Your story was a delight. Super fun and entertaining. Just ignore the ridiculous lame-asses who have nothing better to do than attempt to make fun of stories they won’t ever have the opportunity or drive to even partially experience in any manner. Be it YouTube or sites like yours, the ass-munch brigade will always be there feebly trying to feel better about themselves with half-witted banter. Your story rocked! Forget the losers.
9:24 am on August 17th, 2012
Jesus people, lighten up! I bet most people who are bitching on here don’t even have passports. Visas and travel requirements can be quite tricky….and this story is not only hilarious, but proves what an influence American pop-culture has globally. (yeah I’m a dork) Love it!
9:27 am on August 17th, 2012
Everyone can go suck Jenny’s finger dick!
9:28 am on August 17th, 2012
@Kristen, “Visas and travel requirements can be quite tricky”? Not with access to Google.
I found it an interesting read, but for most people who have traveled, the main takeaway is that the Biggs-Mollenses are kinda dummies.
9:32 am on August 17th, 2012
People, chill out! Jenny shares these stories for our entertainment! If you don’t like them, then don’t read them! Insulting and criticizing Jenny is completely uncalled for and it makes you look bad. If you don’t love Jenny and can’t find the humor in her writing, that’s 100% your loss. Now leave her be so the rest of us can enjoy her hilarious stories!
9:35 am on August 17th, 2012
You poor thing. I hope if I ever get arrested I will keep my humor. You have to admit that your husband’s career saved your ass.
9:36 am on August 17th, 2012
Getting arrested in any situation, especially in a foreign country, would be terrifying. The fact that Jenny found humor in it and was able to chronicle it through photos is awesome. Lastly, fuck, I wish my husband was a celeb so I could get out of Turkish prison with a dance and some autographs. The majority of you complaining obviously haven’t read any of Jenny’s other posts and therefore, you should slow your roll and just enjoy her entertaining stories.
9:39 am on August 17th, 2012
Jenny! This is too funny. There’s no way I’d be able to make light of this situation. Glad you’re back and able to keep us entertained. The people here with negative things to say wouldn’t know good comedy if it slapped them in the face.
9:42 am on August 17th, 2012
How could you not find this amusing? You bitchy bitches are ruining the internet for everyone with your uptight tomfoolery. I wish Wal-mart sold senses of humor (or is that sense of humors) Great story, Jenny Mollens
9:43 am on August 17th, 2012
To haters in the comments: are you unfamiliar with the concept of IRONY? It seems pretty clear to me that in addition to telling this story, she was roasting herself, ugly Americans, an international society that values the Nadia dance over federal immigration laws, the bizarreness of being married to an internationally recognizable celebrity, as well as the absurdity of the situation. Really good story!!!
10:01 am on August 17th, 2012
Jenny is hilarious! Attention dickwads: if you don’t like something on the internet, feel free to find something else to read and spare us your inane comments. If you still feel the need to demonstrate your moral and intellectual superiority, I’m sure your 17 cats will find it most impressive.
10:17 am on August 17th, 2012
Dear haters: FUCK YOU!!! Non sense of humor having fucktards… Jenny you rock, fuck these losers ( in the ass with 1,000 fingerdicks)
10:21 am on August 17th, 2012
Who gets self-righteous in the comments of a humor article on a playboy website? Come out of you mom’s basement, put on some pants and lighten up.
Thank you
10:39 am on August 17th, 2012
like
10:54 am on August 17th, 2012
Kate, Lucy – chill out. This is a humerous tale, not a documentary. And “Ugly American”? Really? For not getting a visa stamp and being afraid of jail?
Glad you made it out, Jen – would have missed you xo
10:57 am on August 17th, 2012
I found the story hilarious and had a good laugh reading it! More power to yahoo girl! Most people wouldn’t take such a stressful situation so well, let alone be able to laugh about it! KCCO!
11:13 am on August 17th, 2012
Love it! Hubby and I would totally travel with you!
12:14 pm on August 17th, 2012
LOVING Jenny Mollen-been following(pseudo stalking?) her since the infamous fingerdick episode shut down her first instagram account! All the ASSCLOWNS who bitch and moan about this clearly suck,It’s pure entertainment! I am THIS close to having a girl crush….
1:28 pm on August 17th, 2012
Jenny is one of my favourite funny crazy bitches. And she’s clearly exceptionally intelligent and talented. I’m not an American, but enough with the cliched “ignorant American” comments. They’re tired and untrue. Not getting a visa when entering via port is fairly common and an unfortunate error to remember when leaving via air.
Ignoring all that, I love couples that have a relationship bound by love and shared senses of humour. With that you can find humour in anything; including Turkish prisons and pissants on the Internet.
1:49 pm on August 17th, 2012
I’m conflicted about this. I follow @jennyandteets and think she’s a comedic talent… but in setting the scene I lost the connection. An outrageous vacation is, I dunno, a riverboat ride up the Amazon. This was outrageous only in its obscene cost: 100ft yacht, Mediterranean beaches. I suppose I’m not really the demographic.
Which is fine, but if this is self-effacing, “we’re rich but clearly ignorant of foreign borders as a concept”, it’s just okay as a story. The in-comment defense only makes it worse: speaking three languages is impressive but not really an indicator of awareness or sophistication; being rich makes you a less sympathetic actor here; you were never in any real danger annyway because you are wealthy and somewhat famous.
So I’m an asshole, you’re an asshole, let’s represent it together.
4:08 pm on August 17th, 2012
Scary. My heart goes out to you! Something similar happened to me few years back while I was vacationing and visiting family in Atyrau, Kazakhstan. I had gone over to the Marriott (alone) basically to get away from family. I forgot my wallet and only had a couple of tengis or whatever the hell that currency is called. I didn’t have enough to pay for my wine and a man dressed up all official was speaking to me in a foreign tongue that I could not understand. Perhaps Russian, perhaps not. I don’t know. My cell didn’t work and I began to experience anxiety and stress to a camel’s ass. (MORE TO STORY) Basically, my stepdaughter and her husband came to my rescue after I begged the Russian to phone the company she worked for and ask her to come over to hotel. We didn’t speak in the van probably because I was yelling and screaming at her and everyone for a mistake that I caused. Glad to know things turned out okay for you guys. Love this blog and enjoy your humor.
4:39 pm on August 17th, 2012
Dear Christopher, It wasn’t my boat! I’m not that fucking rich. It belongs to my brother in-law. Meaning: I didn’t pay anything for it. Also, ignorant of boarders? Come on, If you entered a port and everybody told you you were fine, Guess what? You wouldn’t have a visa either!
Koree, nice Kate, David Thorne, Michael G. , Kloops, Amanda, Kelli, Mitchopolis, Liz, Kelli, Henry, Crystal, Jeni, other Kate, IVY, Tracy, and anyone I missed, Thank you for your support!!!
4:52 pm on August 17th, 2012
I’m appalled that people with so little sense of humor & so much ‘seriousness’ read your whole entry then sit there & question every detail. Clearly your posts are for entertainment value & like you said, hell you were in JAIL! Sucks no matter who you are!
By the way, your my 1st call next time I’m in the slammer. Get me out of that shit!
Hope none of your ‘serious’ readers jam their panties up their own ass over that.
4:55 pm on August 17th, 2012
Hi Jenny,
I think you told this story *perfectly*- just the right balance of humor and pathos…and husband-mocking, one of my favorite things (don’t you think it would make a killer Olympic event? You’d medal for sure).
Having met you a couple of times, I know what a bright and with-it gal you are. Trust me- ANYONE could have gone with the flow and assumed all was well re. the visa considering the circumstances under which you and Jason entered the country.
Keep traveling, keep writing and above all, keep being our Jenny!
*kisses*
4:57 pm on August 17th, 2012
Oh jeez. The comments here are nuts. Great story, do the nadia dance ahahaha! Leave her alone jerkoffs.
5:09 pm on August 17th, 2012
It was a good story, but I’m disappointed you didn’t post a photo of your poo paper.
5:19 pm on August 17th, 2012
All of these people read the entire article and then felt the need to criticize? Jesus! The smoking jacket is a Playboy site. I can’t believe she offended your fucking sensitive nature. Dicks!
5:31 pm on August 17th, 2012
omgggg…how uptight are your haters?
5:41 pm on August 17th, 2012
Leave Jenny alone!! She’s everything and on top of that super fucking funny. @JennyM.B…Write a book already!!!
5:47 pm on August 17th, 2012
Actually, this is great prose regardless of “not knowing foreign policy.” I mean, why do you people even give to shits about that anyway? You all must be so cultured… At least, you got arrested on a technicality, and not getting caught trying to sell over priced American underwear to turkish people in restrooms (which I hear you an make a huge profit on, so next time you’re in Turkey you can make a lil extra bail money beforehand.) Funny article, fo sho.
5:48 pm on August 17th, 2012
Jenny, great story and hilariously written. Always love reading your stuff. Wish I could read more. You’re a riot! and I’m really glad you didn’t have any weed on you. Welcome back home xo
6:04 pm on August 17th, 2012
For those idiots who can’t find the funny from a very funny writer you’re missing the whole point. Get a life.
6:09 pm on August 17th, 2012
All these negative people must make you hot Jenny…. Spread your pussy lips.
7:50 pm on August 17th, 2012
Jenny – the solution would have been to morph into a werewolf and shred those turkish cops to pieces!!!!
8:13 pm on August 17th, 2012
I got arrested once for DUI. I wet my pants
8:42 pm on August 17th, 2012
I discovered Jenny earlier this year and follow her on twitter and find her stories hilarious!! From the look of this Jenny you have a lot more fans and friends than haters and jealousy is a curse anyway. Never change and keep sharing because your stories are incredibly entertaining!
9:07 pm on August 17th, 2012
This is one of the great travel columns of all time. Anyone who is going around complaining about visas, international laws and ugly Americans after reading this should be thrown in a. . turkish prison.
12:24 am on August 18th, 2012
Jenny and jason is alright. No one was kidnapped. No one was raped. Everyone got out fine. No rambo rampage was made. Jokes were made to lighten the mood in the situation. It didn’t happen to us readers, SO WHY THE HELL FLAME HER for telling us (fans) what happened when it was none of our business??? We just be thankful. Guys calm down and eat pie.
2:55 am on August 18th, 2012
I follow Jenny online, and I love her writing.
This is similar to the whore story she wrote, when everyone lay down the hate. If people have issue with Jenny (because she’s rich/married to a Hollywood actor/well known/hot/whatever) then no matter what she says, people will use that as an incitement to hate her even more. You can’t win with some people.
If you don’t like the story, then I suggest you don’t read it. The internet is a big place – go and read something else, which doesn’t offend your sensibilities.
Whether Jenny got out of the situation due to status is irrelevant. Some weird shit went down on holiday, and in her usual pretty hilarious way, she wrote about it. Good for her, it’s a well told story.
And kudos for talking openly about eating disorders.
Keep up the good work. The world needs more hilarious women (especially ones who talk about poop).
8:46 am on August 18th, 2012
This is a comedy blog. COMEDY. Do you holier than tho jackholes understand that concept? Do you guys go to the movies with your friends and point out all the impossibilities in the film? Do you have friends, because I am sure you are a super fun to hang out with. We should totally get together sometime and tell little kids they are stupid for believing in Santa.
Seriously, take your heads out of your asses, and get right the fuck over yourselves.
No one is forcing you to read Jenny’s blogs.
Jenny, fuck ‘Em. Keep making us laugh.
Love,
@jennie_ g79
10:30 am on August 19th, 2012
I’m on Jenny’s side but we can ALL come together and agree she’s full on bull iting us on the speaks three languages thing right?
10:36 am on August 19th, 2012
HI WHY ARE YOU SO PRETTY
10:37 am on August 19th, 2012
Oh fuck me, this is why I read this! The hater comments are every bit as hilarious as the article! Good job!
10:39 am on August 19th, 2012
Is the whole thing with your assistant just a joke? You just made that person up right?
10:41 am on August 19th, 2012
Mzeld, Thank you. I always feel like I just look like my dad in a wig. See his photo above.
10:42 am on August 19th, 2012
I’m scared to click on the ad links. Can you just tell us about “The Five Scariest Sex Toys Ever?”
10:42 am on August 19th, 2012
The assistant is real! Her name is Leah. Check out my INSTAGRAM : jennyandteets2 to see pics
10:43 am on August 19th, 2012
Jenny-
How many more blow jobs do you have in you?
-TTB
10:43 am on August 19th, 2012
Also will you just admit you don’t know how to speak three languages. I feel like the lie is keeping us apart.
10:43 am on August 19th, 2012
I have a weird itch in my nethers.
10:43 am on August 19th, 2012
Hi Jenny !
Have you ever been to France ?
If not, why ?! we do love “ugly Americans” ! ahah
And a late happy birthday to your dog
10:45 am on August 19th, 2012
Hi Jenny,
I have a foot fetish and I’m in love with your feet. Would you ever consider, in theory, having your own “foot slave” who would be on call to give you pedicures and rub your feet? I enjoy being ignored and even mistreated.
Hope you don’t think this is too weird! Would love to hear your honest response to such a thing!
10:45 am on August 19th, 2012
Why do you attract so many assholes? You’re so funny and pretty.
10:45 am on August 19th, 2012
Jenny, why are you so awesome? Keep all these assholes in check.
10:46 am on August 19th, 2012
Jenny,
What are you working on next? You should do a smoking jacket read or stand up hour. I’d love to hear you read your stories, like your 50 shades of grey, fucking awesome
10:46 am on August 19th, 2012
Jenny, will you come to western Canada and teach my weird Canadian friends how to be cool?
10:48 am on August 19th, 2012
3 part series of questions:
1. Did you ever think people would be this dickish about a really funny story?
2. How long has your dad had a 6-pack?
3. How hard was it to score hash in Turkey?
10:49 am on August 19th, 2012
I’m so confused about these people. They hate this so much but then they keep reading and commenting? This is not mandatory. This isn’t, like, jury duty. If you hate it there are about one million other websites on the Internet to view. Probably with pictures of cats.
This is a great story. I for one like reading about people who own boats. It gives me something to aspire to.
10:50 am on August 19th, 2012
“Neither Jason or I felt hungry so we declined his generous offer” hahahah
This was hilarious thanks for writing Jenny!!
10:52 am on August 19th, 2012
@Didier I think Jenny lived in France for a while
@Jenny Is it true you are allergic to cats?
10:52 am on August 19th, 2012
Did the club kid cops reek of Drakkar Noir?
10:53 am on August 19th, 2012
@dider You should read her story about her 3rd time here: http://www.thesmokingjacket.com/humor/jenny-mollen Even though it was in Germany, you’ll see that she was in France before. She studied there and speaks fluent (yeah right!) French.
Anyways.
Jenny, warst du mit Jason in Berlin zur American Reunion Premiere? Wenn nicht, wann wirst du das nächste mal nach Deutschland kommen? Jason kennt bestimmt nicht das schöne Heidelberg.
10:53 am on August 19th, 2012
@Tea Bagger — Fuck off
@Ellen — Do you get off on assuming other people are stupid? Again, fuck off.
@Jenny — Who’s your favorite music artist?
10:54 am on August 19th, 2012
So let me get this straight: you speak 3 languages, but you didn’t realize it’s illegal to enter foreign countries without a visa? And what saved you was special consideration from the authorities based on the fact that you happen to be married to an actor? Shouldn’t you now be rededicating your life to saving the other tourists who are still in Turkish prisons because they aren’t married to recognizable people lol?
10:56 am on August 19th, 2012
Fay und Ellen, Ich habe keine annhung warum das hort so unglaublich aus. Ich habe Deutsch gesproken fur die letstes zehn jahr. Francoisich war mein erst zweite sprache. Jezt, benutze Ich meine Deutsch merh oft.
(pls excuse any errors, I speak better than I spell)
10:57 am on August 19th, 2012
Jenny,
Teets Gets Jealous and Kidnapping Caitlyn = fantastic. Anything else like these in the works?
Also, does it bother you that in my head I consider us friends because we spoke on the phone once?
10:58 am on August 19th, 2012
@David W You are a fucking douche bag. If you weren’t such a fucking douche bag you would know that Jenny jokes about having to suck her husband’s dick so much. Thus my joke….dumb fuck.
Please go away douche bag.
10:58 am on August 19th, 2012
Jenny can we be friends?
10:59 am on August 19th, 2012
Jenny, warst du mit Jason in Berlin zur American Reunion Premiere? Wenn nicht, wann wirst du das nächste mal nach Deutschland kommen? Gefällt Jason Deutschland oder hat er noch nicht so viel gesehen?
11:00 am on August 19th, 2012
The part about the nadia dance was funny, but it would have been funnier if they brought out a pie
11:03 am on August 19th, 2012
David, my favorite music artist! Hmm, I like so many different artists. The Stones, Biggie, Nirvana, the pixies remind me of being young and angry.
Arcade Fire, Bloc Party, Damien Rice, Jay Z, Eminem, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Modest Mouse remind me of being a bit older and angry.
Lana Del Rey, THe XX, Justice, Why?, Crystal Castles, Matt and Kim, Salem, LCD sounsystem remind me of being a bit older than that and somewhat content.
11:04 am on August 19th, 2012
Does Jason ever do the Nadia Sexy Dance for you?
11:06 am on August 19th, 2012
Michael, leider waren wir da fur nur ein tag. Hoffentilich nextest jahr werden wir ein hous mieten ergenwo in die naer von Heidelberg. Ich vermisse Deutschland so sehr. Es ist wirklich mein lieblingste!
11:08 am on August 19th, 2012
Didier, J’ai étudié à paris mon sophmore année de collège. Aussi, nous y étions l’année dernière pour une semaine.
11:10 am on August 19th, 2012
Kara, yes there is more to come. I have a full length feature film on it’s way as well as some TV stuff. I also hope to write a book in the near future. Stanb by for deets and teets:) Thank you for your support. I love that you understand the insanity! x Jen
11:12 am on August 19th, 2012
Shelley, I’m so allergic to cats but I always end up putting them on my face anyway!
11:13 am on August 19th, 2012
The mical, my dad has always had the six pack! How annoying , right??
11:13 am on August 19th, 2012
Did you come across any Turkeys while you were in Turkey… I’ve always wanted to know this. Oh, and Nirvana are f**king amazing.
11:14 am on August 19th, 2012
John, Drakkar and Cool Water combined with a splash of Debbie Gibson’s Electric Youth.
11:15 am on August 19th, 2012
Ivy, YES! Amanda, I was in Bamf earlier this year! I looked for you but didn’t see you:(
11:16 am on August 19th, 2012
Musikvorschlag für dich, Casper (@BenniferRostock bei Twitter) an awesome German rap artist!!Try to find his song “Auf und davon” on YouTube or Vimeo. Also check out Kraftklub (@Kraftklub)
11:16 am on August 19th, 2012
The inanity of online “critics” never ceases to amaze me. To willingly read an article or post, that they know they won’t like, just so they can complain is what makes them feel accomplished.
Anyone who follows the funny, beautiful and talented gal that is Jenny Mollen knows exactly what to expect from one of her columns or tweets. It’s why we continue to do so. Multiple times a day she lightens your mood and makes you laugh with her hilarious wit. Rock on Jenny. Don’t let the darkness of online trolls and haters rain on your sunshine path of genius.
11:17 am on August 19th, 2012
Damn funny story. I for one could never go to Turkey, their food smells like b.o. Wait, maybe that’s Indian food. Anyway, I bet Turkey smells like b.o. Ok, I’ve seem to have forgotten my point here, must be the meds. Anyway, very funny story and now I’m hungry for any food that smells like b.o.
11:17 am on August 19th, 2012
Come on… Why are you people so uptight about this story? I am Turkish and I personally find the story hilarious although I am not a fan of Midnight Express jokes generally. I think this shows how pathetic our system is and that’s all. We love celebrities and ask them do dances like five-year would do. I think that’s the main problem here.
11:18 am on August 19th, 2012
Michael, Danke Sehr werde Ich bestimmt!
11:19 am on August 19th, 2012
When are you and Chrissy Teigen going to produce something together? You’re both outrageous and gorgeous and tend to accumulate haters easily. Ps These comments people are making take a lot of pointless thinking! All I thought was shit she’s funny not, what a dumb betch bragging about her life
11:21 am on August 19th, 2012
I consider us friends and we havent talked on the phone. Why haven’t you called me yet!
11:22 am on August 19th, 2012
Emine, I fucking adore Turkey! I want to live in Bodrum! Seriously love everything about it. This story was more a comedy of errors. If it took place in the US I truly believe the same shit would happen. People who don’t understand how we got in without a visa have obviously never been on boats. We inquired with the harbor police and our Turkish yacht crew and everyone told us we were fine. It wasn’t until the airport in Istanbul that problems arose.
Thank you everyone for chiming in! I really appreciate the feedback. Also, for the record, I’m not a total arrogant dick in real life. I promise!
11:24 am on August 19th, 2012
Oh, also, can you guys click that you “like” this on facebook? I totally base my self worth on those numbers!
11:25 am on August 19th, 2012
Seriously?! Yay! That totally made my day! Lol we’re friends on FB. I’ll message you there
11:28 am on August 19th, 2012
BEavis, NEVER:(
11:28 am on August 19th, 2012
La Foot, you would hate my feet. They are super flat and my toes are very far apart from each other. Like an inch between each toe.
11:29 am on August 19th, 2012
Laura, I adore Chrissy! We really should do something together! Thanks:0!
11:31 am on August 19th, 2012
https://www.facebook.com/jenny.mollenbiggs?ref=tn_tnmn
11:31 am on August 19th, 2012
I wonder if everyone could post as “Jenny” here….
Not Jenny.
11:32 am on August 19th, 2012
Dear Not Jenny, I think they could. That is actually quite scary!:O
11:32 am on August 19th, 2012
You think you have fun? My wife is trying to cook beans and I’m not wearing pants.
11:37 am on August 19th, 2012
The Chrissy Teigen idea is brilliant. I would pay good money to see something like that. Or to get drunk with the two of you haha. =)
11:42 am on August 19th, 2012
Some people are such assholes with their hater comments. Get. A. Fucking. Grip. People. Don’t like it, don’t read it. Concept is actually very simple. And if you don’t like it guess what…we don’t give a flying fuck. I personally love Jenny and her blogs. So Jenny, haters are gonna hate. Keep on doin you.
11:47 am on August 19th, 2012
I think you are hilarious. I love every one of your stories. Keep writing and I can’t wait for you to put out a book!
12:00 pm on August 19th, 2012
Seriously, these asinine comments are like word vomit all over a funny story.
Nobody is forcing you to read Jenny’s articles- if you don’t like her assholish humor and her amaze bitchiness towards just about everything, then don’t fracking read it!
Instead go read Jennie Garth’s blog or some shit.
12:05 pm on August 19th, 2012
The policy with tourists over there is just a bit messed up.
Couple of friends of mine, took a day trip by boat to Turkey during their Greek vacation some time ago. When they missed their last boat back to Greece in the evening, they were put on a plane home (Netherlands) and had to get their luggage sent back.
Lost one week vacation because of that.
Niederländer sprechen ouch ein bisschen Deutsch. Der Grammatik ist schwierig, aber wir können uns gut verständlich machen.
Really enjoy your sense of humor on Twitter and Instagram, also of Jason and JennyHi5 (naturally).
Keep it up, you seem like cool people!
Greetings.
12:15 pm on August 19th, 2012
Hi Jenny,
I appreciate the reply!
I definitely wouldn’t hate your feet! I see them in the pic above and they’re totally beautiful.
I guess what I was asking was would you enjoy being served and pampered like that. Like when you write your stories, would you enjoy having someone lying under your feet massaging away, there to fetch you drinks and stuff. Or is your personality actually more self sufficient…and the idea of having an fawning slave like assistant actually unappealing?
12:37 pm on August 19th, 2012
LA FOOT, well, my husband is kind of already filling the role of slave in my life. But if things go awry, I’ll be sure to let you know. Thanks, J
12:42 pm on August 19th, 2012
Ha, Ok! Yes, please let me know!
1:09 pm on August 19th, 2012
Jenny, Please just come to Dublin- Ireland … We let everyone and anyone in over here, plus we can get trashed!! … Think of the stories, they’d write themselves!!!
1:31 pm on August 19th, 2012
I know Jenny personally and to anyone who would take offense to this seriously needs to A) get a life and B) notice the website they are currently on. Does “entertainment” mean anything to you? And no one has commented on how effing terrified Jason was – I think that shows some amount of care that he had for the situation. Don’t you? I’m assuming he was even more terrified than what Jenny is even painting in the article.
Jenny – please put a blanket on. I get embarrassed any time I see you in lingerie. –your non-related older brother
1:34 pm on August 19th, 2012
Jenny just wanted to say you are hilarious. I love reading your stories and tweets as well as checking out your pictures on instagram. As I write this I wonder if it is really creepy knowing people are following your every move online? Not talking about myself, I’m actually a pretty cool guy as I’m sure you’ve guessed. If you ever get to South Dakota, well I hope for your sake you never have to come to South Dakota.
2:03 pm on August 19th, 2012
MAX, Thank you for the support! I’ll put a turtle neck on asaptual!
2:04 pm on August 19th, 2012
Clint, if I ever get there I’ll let you know;)
2:24 pm on August 19th, 2012
I look at your Instagram and twitter and pretend my husband and I are BFF with you and Jason. Thank you for making me laugh constantly and proving to assholes like Adam Corrola that woman are funny.
2:51 pm on August 19th, 2012
Excellent post, Jenny! As a former yacht stewardess (and one who fortunately didn’t work on a boat where you couldn’t flush your poo paper), I’ve heard of a lot of similar instances where guests that arrived by boat had trouble flying out of airports over there. And it’s certainly no fault of yours & Jason’s not to have known. If anything, it’s the crew who should have known to make sure you’d gotten Visas. (Perhaps that’s why they work on a yacht where you can’t flush your shit.)
I found your recap of the story hilarious and agree with everyone above who thinks many of your readers need to get their senses of humor in check. Keep the funny reads coming, girl — you’re a riot!
3:10 pm on August 19th, 2012
Holy Flying Finger Dicks! I’ve been faithfully following and enjoying your humor, writing, stories, shorts, and pics since Chelsea Handler gave your Twitter a “must see” plug… And because I “know you” through social media…. This story is straight up…only happen to you kinda gig. Thanks for sharing… cause that’s some funny fckn shiz~! Nadia sexy time dance….shooting bullets at his feet to make him dance faster… HILARIOUS and well-written imagery! And to the tightasses earlier… Turkey isn’t top-of-game when it comes to customs, check-in, visas and such. Look… you’re talking about a place that will take unaccounted “donations to Turkey,” a few “American Pasta Nadia Sexy Time” dances, and they’d probably LOVE free Superbowl t-shirts (of the losing team). Do you see? That’s how loyal they are to their “Customs Protocol.” They have check-ins at port for visa and such…but my guess is that when Jenny & Jason booted off the sea-sh*tter…the Turkish Visa peeps were probably not at their station and not following any protocol…and they probably were off chasing another American for some Jelly shoes, a few friendship bracelets, a pack of Chicklets, and any spare change they may be lucky enough to con. So yeah, they just scored $1,000 and a few “American Pasta” dances as a donation to Turkey for something that was their fault in the first place. Jenny, it may have cost ya…but the story is PRICELESS!
4:36 pm on August 19th, 2012
I pissed my pants reading this. Was told to STFU cause I was laughing so loud. What kind of person reads this and becomes bitter? I only wish those people had a wastebasket full of poopied tissues to wipe their tears…
7:55 pm on August 19th, 2012
jenny, you should never put pussies on your face. didn’t yo momma tell you that!
7:57 pm on August 19th, 2012
Jenny – just to clarify something, if you make midnight express jokes, it means you don’t like Turkey. There’s no in-between for Turkish people. You either like Turkey, so you don’t make midnight express jokes; or you don’t like Turkey (or don’t have any particular feelings) then you see no harm in making midnight express jokes. Try to make a midnight express joke to a Turkish person (no matter how horrifying your experience has been), and then go on making nice comments about his country. I bet that he stopped listening to you a while ago. This is just how it is. Every culture has its own sensitive areas and this is the case for Turkey. Humor or not, I’d see why Turkish people would be offended, and negative comments are probably coming from Turkish people using fake names.
PS: Check Google for midnight express jokes, 99% of jokes are followed by some nasty comments about Turkey. This is obviously not a scientific proof, and yet it supports my point.
9:45 pm on August 19th, 2012
When I first saw the photos on your Instagram I thought you were pulling a prank. Glad you and Jason came out of the whole thing without getting killed/gangbanged/cannibalised/forced to watch the straight-to-DVD American Pie movies.
Next year, plan a more relaxed trip. Come to Canada, even. It’s (relatively) safer here.
9:52 pm on August 19th, 2012
1. Was prepared for the impressively profane/graphic/ridiculous standard you have set in your writing. Was not at all prepared for those comments which followed. Which leads me to:
2. People are out of their mind crazy.
3. Thoroughly enjoyed this recounting, as I do all your pieces. {I tweet you about pretty much everyone one. Stalker? nah. Support base? Hello!}
4. Highlights include: your explanation for why your passport photo didn’t match your current appearance i.e. the bang incident/lesson, the weigh in/ post eating disorder panic attack, “Each day was a new adventure and by adventure I mean every time you wiped poop off your ass, you had to throw it in a wastebasket because the toilets can’t process paper.”
The end.
12:42 am on August 20th, 2012
Arguing on the Internet is like competing in the special Olympics; even if you win, you’re still a fuckin retard. Except if you’re Jenny Mollen, then you own! Loved the story.
Haha, Jenny you are so funny “we’re not that rich”. I love this because I get this. I grew up in Boca and I thought I was “poor”, until I met actually poor people. Just made me chuckle. Love you girl xo
9:20 am on August 20th, 2012
Dear pathetic Haters, why don’t you either get a real life or die of aids?
@Jenny
Gerolsteiner in Glasflaschen ist der real deal!
9:39 am on August 20th, 2012
Midnight Express Jokes offend Turkish people? Maybe I need to rewatch the movie but I always thought of the reference as just meaning: “locked up abroad”. I would have made a Broken Down Palace reference if I were in Thailand, or a Schindler’s List reference if I were in Auschwitz, or a Planet of the Apes reference if I were surrounded by Apes. (which actually has happened btw) Sorry to anyone who was offended.
7:19 pm on August 20th, 2012
BTW the time I was surrounded by Apes was at a Laker game but I definitely am not telling that story to this PC crowd.
8:50 pm on August 20th, 2012
These Apes were definitely Obama supporters even though they were Canadians!
6:39 pm on August 21st, 2012
There is officially an imposter Jenny on this thread! I’m so flattered!!!!!!! Though the Apes were actually Barbary Apes in Gibralter.
6:40 pm on August 21st, 2012
Jenny #136 and #137 aren’t @jennyandteets if you’re curious:)
10:53 am on August 23rd, 2012
Ha…love it. I would pay good money to see the dance Jason did in the station.
Very funny Jenny…don’t stop writing this stuff and screw all the haters.
Form your UK fan.
4:58 pm on August 26th, 2012
All of Jenny’s prediction skills (and intelligence) could not foresee the need for a visa. Did she use the wrong trip adviser? So sad!! The views may have been nice and there’s no doubt there is some humor in her writing. I know this was intended to be funny!
11:32 pm on August 30th, 2012
Lady. You are awesomesauce! Jason too! Love this story!
2:07 pm on August 31st, 2012
This is the least funny, most pompous, self-indulgent piece of garbage thing I ever read. Lady, you are AWFUL.Get a job.
11:52 am on September 2nd, 2012
You think Jason should apologize? Not sure how big this whole thing will get on Twitter and how much “power” those gorps have.. Sears is already apologizing to people there. I just hope he doesn’t get into any professional trouble. I like you a lot and Jason, well since he is married to you I guess I like him too :-p
7:17 pm on September 7th, 2012
I bet you think you are, like, Hunter S. Thompson, or, like, a VICE journalist, huh?? You don’t travel like normal SHEEP travel. You live life on a razor’s EDGE.
Blech. Your writing sucks and you come off as an entitled piece of shit.
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