Power Rankings: 10 Sports Stories of the Week Worth Rioting For

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I grew up not far from Canada in Michigan. From what I gathered via years of research, Canadians are incredibly nice people who love their Tim Horton’s and happen to have a lower drinking/gambling age, making Canada the greatest place in the world for about two years.

Turns out these gentle people completely lose their minds when their finger-biting, concussion inducing, goalie-choking team blows the Stanley Cup finals.

However, the rioting in Vancouver brought hockey more attention than anything that actually happened this season. You have you wonder if Gary Bettman is secretly rooting for a lot more cities getting burned down after hockey games (namely, Phoenix, Nashville, Columbus, and Sunrise, Florida).

Here are ten burning sports stories most worth rioting for (click each pic to read the full story):

1. Bruins win the Stanley Cup…

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Finally ending Boston’s championship draught of…three years, leaving people yearning for the glory days of whiney, depressed Boston fans.

2. Vancouver burns down the city…

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Mostly to prove they were capable of torching something without mechanical problems. They sure showed those H&M mannequins how much they love hockey. Unfortunately as boring pasty white human-shaped objects, they are the NHL’s key demographic.

3. Rory McIlroy wins the US Open…

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He’s off to a good start, but there’s plenty of doubters out there. He’s already being called, “Not the next Tiger Woods” by cocktail waitresses around the country.

4. Barack Obama and John Boehner golf…

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Sorry, I can’t get over Boehner’s name. His fancy little pronunciation isn’t fooling anyone.

5. Michael Buble postpones show for Stanley Cup Finals…

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“America, if you care about us, there will be less Michael Buble” was immediately adopted as the NHL’s new slogan.

6. Packers get rings…

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Which were immediately pawned off since the players have no other skills to get them through the lockout.

7. Shaq’s sex tape is erased…

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I think the real losers in all of this are the people who title sex tapes. “Shaq F’s U” is gold.

8. New Mexico football player arrested for baggy pants on an airplane…

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When is the FAA going to stop profiling terrorists?

9. Albert Pujols breaks his arm…

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His ability to stay healthy was the only thing keeping the Cubs from offering him about $50 million more than he deserves. I hear there are some nice condos in the Gold Coast, Al.

10. David Tyree speaks out against gay marriage…

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He said he’d trade his Super Bowl win to stop gay marriage. Unlike the only thing he ever did in his life, he didn’t use his head with this one.

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