Trolling Guide: 4 Steps for Picking Up in Dive Bars

I LIVE IN A ROUGH NECK OF THE WOODS, right by the railroad tracks, and, obvs, on the wrong side. There are two dives in walking distance from my apartment. The first place has honky tonk nights and it’s expensive for nothing. I nix that place. Unless there’s been a stabbing at the other place.

The other place usually gets me because they give away free beers when the Canadiens score more than two goals a game. The beer is already only two bucks a pint, so making it free = living large, pretty much, but nothing about the joint screams above board, so suck I just back my free beers and leave a lot of 50 cent tips for the nice girls who pour them.

The bar girls from Dive Numero 2 are the same ones who’ve just stopped working upstairs, at the strip joint. They have black-ironed hair and tattoos of roses on their boobs.

The clientele: Scrawny old dudes gawking slack-jawed at slot machines and clusters of blue-collar hipsters (aka veganpunks).

Like ex-strippers? Like a dame who call herself a broad? Get a kick out of a woman who’s got a cigarette laugh? This is your trolling ground.

1. Pick her right

First decide if you want a local or a tourist. Like an old single mom gambler or a hipster single mom with a fairy tattoo on her back. Bonus: Preggars can’t be choosers. Sidle up. Say something. Like, “Hey.”

2. Love up on an old gal

Who needs things like “rules” or “age caps.” If you washed this week your chances of picking up just about anyone are in the 99-99.5 percentile. And dentures come out. Think about it.

3. Throw around some coin

Buy the lady a two-dollar beer. If your Tuesday night girl seems real fancy, get her a three-dollar rum and Coke and a bag of chips from the vending machine. Say, “I bought these Salt ‘n Vinegar for you.”

4. You don’t gotta bring her home

That’s why the bathroom door locks, genius. If you like your face at all, just wait for the dealer to get outta there first. Them’s the rules.


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