Power Rankings: The 10 Best Stories From A Meaningless Week In Sports

bolt main

Sometimes life is great. Sometimes meaning “not very often.” In sports this week, life was stupidly boring. Just horrendously inconsequential. Nothing important happened. At all. This week could have just been skipped and everyone would have been a little better for it.

But that didn’t happen. As they say, sports must go on. Especially after everything was put into perspective by the hurricane/tropical storm thing. It really makes you glad we live in a country where there are sports. That was the message of the hurricane, right?

Here are the top stories from a meaningless week (click each pic to read the full story).

1. I had two fantasy drafts…

story

They went pretty well. Oh, you didn’t ask how they went? Because you don’t care? That makes sense. But I got Danny Amendola in both leagues so I had a great week. What? You don’t even know who that is? Sorry.

2. Lots of games cancelled for a fake hurricane…

hurricane

So there was going to be this hurricane. And then there wasn’t. But a bunch of games were cancelled anyways.

3. Panther’s owner doesn’t want Cam Newton to get tattoos…

cam newton

So the Panthers owner doesn’t want Newton to get any tattoos. He also doesn’t want him to get any interceptions, injuries or arrests, all of which are directly related to tattoos.

4. Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly break-up…

Oh god. What are the most popular baseball player ever and the hottest woman alive going to do now? Probably cry a little. And then lots of other super hot rich people.

jeter

5. Usain Bolt disqualified from World Championship finals for false starts…

bolt

Guys. This is what it’s come to. I didn’t even know there were world championships. I mean, I know they happen because they always show the record at the Olympics but even then it’s kind of hard to see. Thankfully for Usain Bolt, no one actually cares about non-Olympic/not Boston Marathon running, so the fact that Bolt screwed up this completely meaningless event is forgiven.

6. California beats Japan in the Little League World Series…6. California beats Japan in the Little League World Series…

world series

Of all the great traditions in America, exploiting adolescents in some weird form of nationalistic pride is one of the best. But whatever. USA! USA! USA!

7. Jeter plays in most games as a Yankee ever…

jeter [2]

Holy hell, they’ll probably have a ceremony for this too. Playing in lots of games is cool, because that’s, you know, his job. Good job going to work a lot. You did it longer than anyone else who has worked at your company. This is not really something to be excited about. If one day I wake up and have spent more time working than anyone else, I will not be a happy dude. So great job Derek, you showed up a lot.

8. Tiger Woods says he’ll play Frys.com Open…

woods

It’s almost like he’s a golfer and plays golf for a living. A golfer playing golf is not news. Granted, without this ridiculous non-news, we wouldn’t know there was such a thing as the Frys.com Open. So I’m pretty okay with this one actually.

9. Sources: NBA players, owners to meet…

cuban

Sources: NBA players, owners not going to actually solve anything. Sources: But the spread is expected to be delicious.

10. Serena Williams not dwelling on 2009 US Open meltdown…

serena

Other things she’s not dwelling on: Everything else bad that’s happened to her two years ago; the identity of D.B. Cooper.

468X60AD