Power Rankings: 10 Sports Stories That Are Worse Than the Detroit Lions


After three games, the NFL has three undefeated teams left, two of which are pretty surprising (I think everyone assumed Aaron Rodgers was due for a season-ending injury by now).

As a Lions fan, this is probably the best moment of my NFL fandom. The Lions not only won three games this year, but there have only been three games. Usually when they win their third game, it’s Week 17. So I hope you don’t mind if I gloat for a minute.

The Lions are the best team in the world. Ndamakong Suh has zero long-term suspensions this season. Matthew Stafford is the least injured player in the world. Other than the extreme likelihood of the opposite of all those things happening, this will be the best season of my life.

After the Lions impressive victory when they gave up 20 points in the first half to a horrible Vikings team and then came back and scored 26 points on a horrible Vikings team, the Lions are clearly the team to beat. But that seems impossible. I know it’s too early to talk about 16-0, but the Lions are pretty much for sure going 16-0. Sorry rest of the NFL. Maybe next year.

Here are the 10 stories worse than Detroit from the last week.

1. Lions comeback from being down 20-0

With the Tigers in the playoffs, this is all starting to get annoying. When are great things going to stop happening for this city?

2. Bills beat Patriots

Did you know the Bills’ quarterback went to Harvard? Because everyone else did. Unfortunately, this is all I know about the Bills. Although I just realized the team’s name is referring to a cowboy. What’s not to like about this team?

3. Jay-Z announces Brooklyn Nets are going to be called the Brooklyn Nets

Unlike his recent rap career, he decided to do it in-person and not just phone it in. The name presumably refers to the giant net they’ll have to put around the stadium to keep the crowd safe.

4. Jerome Simpson gets 2.5 pounds of weed mailed to his house

This is really a feel good story in that someone actually still uses the post office.

5. Ozzie Guillen leaves White Sox, joins Marlins

When reached for comment, Ozzie just strung a couple of words together he was vaguely familiar with. He’s going to have a hard time managing the Marlins since the roster has no really horrible players he can put in the lineup everyday.

6. Eli Manning throws for four touchdowns in Giants win


The New York media called the touchdowns “overrated” and “disappointing.”

7. Leo Nunez has been playing under a fake name

Great. And I just learned his name.

8. NBA training camp postponed

This is kinda like what happened with the NFL except the opposite. On the bright side, my friend moved to Italy this year, so there’s a chance I’ll hear whispers of what professional basketball is like in 2011-2012 because it’s not happening here.

9. Manny Ramirez wants to make a comeback

He still has to serve his 100 game unpaid suspension though. Suppose you are the Oakland A’s. Why wouldn’t you sign him for the last 100 games of the season when he can’t play or be paid and make him work as an usher? It’s the new Moneyball.

10. Wayne Simmonds calls Sean Avery a homophobic slur

It was the most insulting thing Avery has been called since “hockey player.”