Power Rankings: 10 Sports Stories of the Week that Also Banged a Politician

rice

What can be said about Glen Rice and Sarah Palin that hasn’t been said already? It’s so awesome.

It’s so perfect. Anything I say can’t add to the beauty of it. It’s the Sistine Chapel of sports stories. And it blows any sort of other random hook-up way out of the water. I mean, what would be the contenders? JFK/RFK with Marilyn Monroe? Too obvious. Thomas Jefferson and Sally Heming? Boring. Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinski? I feel asleep typing that.

It’s so perfect on so many levels, the only way it could have been better would be if Glen Rice wasn’t a pretty great player. If this were Cliff Robinson or Otis Thorpe the world would probably stop. I feel like I’m way more excited about this story than Glen Rice probably was making the story. This is the biggest news of probably ever.

Here are the other stories from this week that probably also had sex with Sarah Palin.

1. Glen Rice has a one night stand with Sarah Palin…

 

This is the best thing Michigan’s basketball program has ever done without any sort of boosters involved, presumably.

2. Mayweather beats Ortiz on a sucker punch…

 

Ortiz was going in to hug Mayweather and he knocked him out. The real lesson here is never date Floyd Mayweather.

3. Mariano Rivera sets the saves record…

 

I think it’s time we start putting him in the conversation of the greatest closers ever.

4. Tim Tebow fans buy a billboard supporting him starting…

 

Seriously guys, I don’t think even God would want him to start for his team. I don’t understand why so many people love this clearly not great quarterback and hate a pretty solid quarterback in Kyle Orton. Must be the neck beard. Although Jesus probably had one too, so it’s really unclear.

5. Michael Vick concussed…

 

The Eagles sadly announced they’ll have to put him down. But who didn’t see this coming? If you had to pick a quarterback that was most likely to be concussed, you’d have to go with Vick right? Jay Cutler doesn’t count since his players actually want him concussed.

6. Red Sox collapsing…

 

The Curse of the…um, Mike Cameron strikes again!

7. Jamal Charles likely out for the season…

 

Millions of fantasy owners claim they “didn’t care” about that team anyways.

8. Detroit Tigers clinch division…

 

It was a very small celebration since Justin Verlander is their only player.

9. NFL likely to have HGH testing soon…

 

Who do you have in your “NFL players caught using HGH” pool? I have “The Field.”

10. Manny Pacquiao’s house burglarized…

Great. Just when I thought they couldn’t come up with another “Hangover” movie they go and do this.

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