This was a huge week for people who love horses. And I’m not talking about Mathew Broderick. The Kentucky Derby was this weekend, providing a thrilling two minutes of animals running around with anorexic hobbits on their back, all while they probably have no idea what’s going on to the delight of rich people in big hats. Alright, so it’s probably the worst sporting event that people actually somehow care about. There’s probably no event less exiting if you aren’t betting on it than the date of Lindsay Lohan’s next rehab stint (I have July 8th).
Here were the odds-on favorites from the last week (click each pic to read full story).
1. Lakers Get Swept by the Mavs
Kobe’s still confident they’ll come back to win the series. Especially after buying the NBA a $4 million diamond ring to forget about it.
2. Animal Kingdom Wins the Kentucky Derby
With 20-1 odds, Animal Kingdom was not expected to place. But no one told that to Animal Kingdom. Because he’s a horse. And can’t understand language. Somewhere, Walt Disney’s frozen head smiles with the free publicity.
3. Phil Jackson’s Career Comes to an End
Just the way he always dreamed – with Joe Smith missing a shot. That’s pretty zen.
4. Rajon Rondo Dislocates Elbow in Game 3, Plays the Rest of the Game Like Def Leppard’s Drummer
It was only fair since the Miami Heat decided to play the game with only four guys on the court by putting Chris Bosh in the lineup. But seriously, the injury looked gross. And he milked it for all he could, stopping just short of doing one-armed push-ups at half court. His six-point performance will go down in the lore of NBA history.
5. Manny Pacquiao Got Paid $20 million to Beat Up an Old Dude
Shane Mosley could hardly even get a punch in. It was sort of like paying $54.99 to watch Happy Gilmore beat up Bob Barker. Actually, that would have been worth the money.
6. Hines Ward Stopped at Gunpoint for Stealing His Own Car
The second most embarrassing thing to happen to him, after being on “Dancing with the Stars.” Ben Roethlisberger is unimpressed.
7. Francisco Liriano and Justin Verlander Throw No-Hitters
Amazingly none of them came against Derek Jeter.
8. Andre Ethier Has His 30-Game Hitting Streak Snapped
It also snapped the 30-game caring-about-Andre-Ethier streak.
9. Bill Simmons/Keith Olbermann Feud
America’s favorite sports…podcaster and America’s favorite left-wing attention whore take to Twitter to talk about how much they hate each other. The winner? Simmons, with his classic “Torrent TV” line. Although the fact that we’re mentioning Olbermann makes him a winner in his eyes.
10. Rashard Mendenhall Sounds Like Kind of a Terrorist
Mendenhall apparently graduated from Carl Everett School of Crazy. I do agree with him, knocking down the World Trade Centers is kind of unbelievable. Yet I’m pretty sure I saw it happen. I think the real question is magnets: How do they work?