Every year, thousands of bright eyed college graduates and delusional middle-aged weirdos pack up their belongings and head off to Hollywood. They all leave with a dream about making it big, most return home defeated. But why should that be you?
Your life altering move to the land of melanoma and medical marijuana dispensaries doesn’t have to end in disaster. Just make a few quick purchases and you’ll be settled in and ready to embark on your career as a
waiter actor faster than you can say “casting couch.” And you can trust us on this matter. We know SO many people in Los Angeles.
Here are five essential purchases for packing up and moving to Hollywood.
Don’t Buy Anything
That’s right, don’t buy a thing. Not yet, anyway. Do you want to flee your oppressive middle class existence for a life of near poverty or would you rather have a little bit of cash in the bank? Right, you’d prefer some cash, so make some. Like right now.
If you already have a job, keep it until the last possible moment and save every dime you can. If you normally eat sushi for lunch, maybe have some shrimp flavored ramen noodles instead. They’re so much cheaper than your typical meal (or your typical glass of dirty river water) that the math required to calculate the savings does not exist. And they’re probably just as tasty. Hello, huge savings account!
Now repeat that process for everything else you enjoy that could potentially be replaced with a cheaper alternative, including friends and lovers, and stockpile the savings. When you have a nice stash on hand (think thousands, not hundreds) it’s time to depart.
Get On the Bus
What, did you think you were going to fly? What are you, some kind of poseur? Watch your movies (any of them) and you’ll clearly see that, for a truly realistic moving to Hollywood experience, you must take the bus. What will become of all those “preying on girls just off the bus” horror stories we always hear about if people just start flying to Hollywood like a cast of goddamn falcons?
Sounds too clichéd for you? Well, so is thinking that your obvious lack of talent will magically disappear once you move to a place where you’re not the only one with fake tits, but you don’t see us calling you out, do you?
Right, so now that you’re off the bus, let’s find you a place to live!
Make Yourself at Home
While your first inclination might be to move in with friends or scan Craigslist for roommates, we recommend hitting the sleaziest motel you can find. Again, we’re trying to keep things authentic here. Struggling entertainers live in sketchy motels, and that’s all there is to it. People have been doing this for years, don’t mess with the fabric of things, kiddo.
We can already hear your protests about how you saved up all that money and now you’re living at Ed’s Motor Lodge and STD Emporium down by the river at the corner of 48th and Shithole* like some kind of third world citizen. We’ll answer that by first pointing out your faulty logic. No matter how bad your new home/motel (homotel?) is, it’s still way too expensive for people in third world countries. They make like three bucks a month during an up economy, you insensitive prick.
And besides, you’re going to need that extra cash for something else.
*Sure, it’s a real place. Google it.
Hey, you used to have a car, what happened to it? That’s right, you sold it so you could get to Hollywood. Couldn’t you have just driven there since you had a car? Nope, because that car was a total jalopy. And now you’re in Los Angeles, where the legal driving age is like 6 because everybody drives, and you have no car of your own.
Depending on what you have saved up to this point, you may not have enough for a car that has all the bells and whistles like rims, tinted windows, functioning a/c, seat belts, etc. But you survived with a broke down beater before you moved, why not just buy another one? You’ll come to appreciate the savings that come with not having a monthly car payment. And sure, it might not be a pretty car, but since when have people in California cared about something like that?
Buy Some Work Clothes
Not to bring everything you know about The Smoking Jacket crashing down upon your head or anything, but we’re going to switch it up and go with a “text first, pictures later” type of format to close things out. And speaking of closing things, it’s time to buy some clothes! (**Editor’s Note: What the hell does that mean?)
Now that you’re in California, it’s time to upgrade that wardrobe. You’re going to spend a lot of time going to auditions, so you want to find fashions that work for work (all apologies to whatever retail chain we lifted that phrase from). But you also want to buy stuff that’s going to fit into whatever other fun and exciting situations that life in Hollywood may offer. We’ve picked out a few good examples to get you started.
Why? Why are you considering wearing this? We threw this in here as kind of a test and now you’re going to dress like that while you work? What are you, some kind of auto show model?
Oh. You gave up acting to pursue a career in car show modeling? Well, congrats on the new gig then! This should work just fine.
Pairing a bow tie with such a dour expression is a bold move, but it absolutely works for our purposes. You can wear an ensemble like this to work, and then throw a jacket over it to hit the red carpet!
Good! This is good! High heels just scream “business woman” and, paired with a weather-inappropriate leather jacket, make it practically impossible for anyone to see you as anything other than a sassy, street-wise lady who knows her way around town. Get it girl!
This is really the ultimate setup. Start dressing like this and you’ll be prepared for whatever the big city throws at you at all times. As pictured, this is perfect for those moments when a last second audition comes through, provided the role being auditioned for involves schizophrenia.
When you’re done with that, all of those layers will come in especially handy if you need to haul a large bottle of grain alcohol around (to your swanky Hollywood parties, no doubt) or conceal your identity by tearing off one of the 18 mildew riddled sweatshirts you’re wearing under that jacket. You’d be concealing your identity to flee the paparazzi, you see. Definitely not because you’ve just robbed a 7/11 for drug money.
Happy shopping and good luck with your move!
In case you hadn’t pieced it together from all the ads on the homepage, this article is brought to you courtesy of the good people behind the upcoming film Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star, in theaters this Friday. Click here for trailers, showtimes, tickets and all of your other movie going needs.